27th Sep 2016. 12:59 AM

So, you finally came back from Penang trip and we skyped for the first time in weeks. Eventhough I was doing my work, I don't mind giving the time up to skype with you. Hey, happy mind makes us more motivated right?

I'm happy to see you again, and so do you. You have so many untold and forgotten stories that isn't shared to me yet. Due to exams and etc. Like how much you are closer with your friends now, without updating me little minor stuffs like you did before makes me feel distant from you. It's like... I really feel like I don't know the now you, which really disturbs me. I really wished that you can tell me small things in your days eventhough they are boring. I really want to keep up with your life, you know that? For example, I really wish that you can send me all of your snap stories, as it makes me feel special. I guess, it's very hard for you to do it right? Having the need to click my name everytime you send a story. It's already obvious from the start when I request for that, you told me to just look up your own story. This is where I always notice the difference in between us. I can admit that I'm the type to really do what ever you tell me to do that helps you to feel better or happier so that our relationship from your perspective is always good. If I'm really a heavy snapchat user and you request me to send you everything that I send, I will never say no. I'm used to make people happy by doing more work, and making people happy seems to make me even happier. You are like this as well right? Then why simple things like what I requested cannot be fulfilled? I admit that I'm the type of person who desires special attention in order to feel happy about our relationship. I know I'm special to you. But... right now, because of all the degrading of good relationship perspective from me I really need your special attention. To be honest, I really scared to ask you this. Later you say I'm spoilt and come to hate the me who is just seeking attention for love. And then you sad, and then our conversation becomes dull and haih. I already have enough workload from school, so I really don' want to deal with this.

Our first skype.... Expected nice and relaxing skype with you, but you keep singing that apple pen blah blah pineapple pen, which is rather annoying for me. But oh wells, darl is darl. I just wondered though, what if I said "I'm going to mute you if you sing again", something you always tell me when I'm annoying. Will you be sads?

I was honestly felt really excited to tell you about my day... Because telling someone about my day is really something that I rarely talk to others but like to do. I only have a few people who I talk about my days with darl. But guess what, halfway you slept. Honestly, in my point of view, telling someone story and fall asleep without notice is extremely rude. I love you okay? But still, please treat my boring story some respect. If you sleepy, tell me you are sleepy and may not be able to hear my full story. I'll rather hear that rather than wasting my voice to no one.

Well... I would rate this first skype horrible. As if I really want to erase this memory and start over again.

Love you.

P.s. from what i feel right now. I wished i hadnt skyped you today....

7th September 2016

Dear darl.

I do not have much right now. I just told you i'm going to sleep, but in actual fact I don't. These days we don't skype as much, which makes me feel a bit detached in feelings. It's just I feel so not updated by your days, even thought it's all full of studies only. 

I really remember that you told me about watching train to bushan together, but in the end you watch with your sister and others; cause you say I wanted to watch with you, but you did not mention about agreeing to me. However that is false. You were the one who introduced me to this movie, I don't recall getting you into these kind of movies at all. LET'S SAY what you said was true, even so, why don't you agree straight with me? I don't get it, really. We don't have much activities to do together, and when this can be one, you did not agree to it. The last time we watch movie together 'Me before you' was horribly distracted by the police and parties. I really want to watch movies with you... don't you know that?... That activity could atleast cover up the feeling of watching movie together with you. 

Sometimes I wonder if you do exactly know what I'm really feeling. People who are close tend to say they know one another, but they don't. Their thinkings had already been taken to a level where they are being superior of one to another. It's funny isn't it, if someone says "I know you are thinking about.........", but in actual fact the other partner doesn't even have the slight idea of what the "close" partner just mentioned. It is relatively common in people who thinks they dominated over the another. And when the true fact comes, the person will get into denial, saying the facts are lies.

So, let me ask you, just now in skype, you know I'm sad like this :< Are you sure it's like that? Or is it like this :| actually (disappointed to a level where each individual won't argue to anything). That's why I call it a night. I don't want to argue with you. I see no point, really. You'll still go to watch that movie, and you keep to your own senses that I feel is false and deny to what ever statement I'm going to say. It's not your fault, it's human nature, we follow our senses. My senses are telling me to end call you to avoid argument, so that you can enjoy your night. All this lonely man hope is for you to not always trust your senses directly, always doubt. Rene Descartes, a philosopher, mentioned "We cannot trust our senses, as they are influenced by factors." Therefore he mentioned that we have to doubt every memories we had and make sure they are correct by consulting someone we can trust before saying it out loud. 

The train movie? Be it good or bad, I won't watch the movie. Thank you. 

P.S. I honestly been thinking why most of the time you go to cinema, I always be the one here feeling sad. Is it worth it?