These days I don't really feel that much of a lonely now. Don't know why. Maybe I know more people? Or is it that you don't spend much time with your friends anymore because of your exams. I always thought because I know more people, but in a way I feel the point 'spend less time with your friend' actually is the main reason. I don't really dig much into this topic anymore, cause I really tried of this problem. Just let it flow away.
In my Grammar class, there are these group of people that acts so similarly like me. When I look at them, it's like looking at the younger me. I can't really tell you much how they act, but just imagine a group of younger me. Ehe. I went to makan pho with them yesterday, wasn't that bad the food. Well, sad thing is that I won't be seeing them much anymore, simply because we won't be in the same class anymore. Well, I never expect a joy that last long, so I guess it's just part of me life to enjoy things temporarily. Temporary, but doesn't mean they have to go permanently. Like the darl, our time together physically was temporary last year, but after we do this, it will be permanent. Right? You think so? ehehe.
Forgot to put this at the beginning. This letter doesn't contain any naughty stuff likey the previous one. I know it's sad, but no can do... cause I have no sexual story right now. ehe.
Right now if you remember, you are in Kuching with your family. To be precise, you are sleeping as I'm typing these. You just went to the old dun and watch some performances for 4 hours. I didn't ask if you enjoyed it though. Most probably you are, ehe.
By the time you receive this letter, most probably it's already past half year anniversary of being together without physical contact. YAYYYY we made it quite far!!! Hehehehe. I ish happy. You happy? If you ish happy for the fact that we survived for more than half a year together without physical contact, draw your happiness here:
You have to show me what ever you draw. This drawing can be 'a pass' if you meet the criteria:
-colored
-got love
-more love
-something cute
-draw yourself in it.
-what does that picture mean to you.
Hehehe. I look forward to your drawing ;)
Let's see... what is there for me to write about....
Darl, since half year already, let's talk about something that we don't feel... quite right about each other? (the matter must still exist)
I don't have much though, we get high doing stuff together, we love each other, we do this and that, we even plan for sex. Hehe. I guess.... maybe....gimmie 4 min.
5 min later. There's one thing that popped in my head. ... So I guess,
WARNING: IF THE DARL IS NOT IN THE MOOD TO LISTEN TO COMPLAINS, OR TOO TIRED TO PROCESS THINGS, IT'S RECOMMENDED NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER AND SAFE IT FOR NEXT TIME READ.
Sound like a heavy warning. XD Hahaha. I really don't like using blog to make emojis like XD. The serif font add edges to the emojis, make it look so.... formal? Hahahaha. Like :D the mouth.... honesly it looks better with edges for that emoji, it emphasizes the smile XD Not 'XD' though, the edges in the 'X' looks so weird. Hahaha. So... let's get started.
As you see, I'm rather a sensitive person who feel like, whatever you have, I have the permission to it (except religious stuff ofcourse) ,vise versa. Sometimes if you don't allow me to have access to it even until future, I would consider myself not loved enough by you. I remember that time when I asked you if I can follow your tumblr? You said tumblr not 'meant' to have anyone to follow you? That is one thing that causes gap up between me and you. We kindda argued or discussed about it, but I don't really want to discuss it further cause the more the reason, the deeper you stab me with that knife. I... simply... don't care if the 'trend' of tumblr is to not have someone follow you? the fact that you put me into that 'trend' feels like as if you just close the door on me. We always talk about something deep, but if this is not resolved, why bother go so far? I've been trying to see how you see, so I can understand you and let go of the matter. But this thing simply.... don't get me anywhere. I'm that type of a person who lets his lover have the access to everything because that's how I show my love, and I want to be treated the same. Do you think I'm that person who easily let someone access his things? Well, you decide based on this fact, 'Even before I feel uncomfortable with Sheldon, I actually don't like him touching my phone, same goes to Jordan and James.'
Usually when I type these things, I would end up with a nice conclusion of how I finally understand one other's perspective, but for this matter with you, it's still a dead end. Why though? I really have no idea why, not even the slightest. I assume this as one of the new thing that I never see in life. Let me try to see how you see, based on this tumblr problem.
1) Naughty posts?
- We've been to naughty... So I think if I see that on your site... It it the same feeling as seeing you posting cat posts? Simply because it doesn't affect me no more.
2) Privacy?
-You have the other tumblr page where you post about your feelings. I was referring to the one with your 'repost' tumblr only. I understand that the other one is more secret ( and you tell me we gonna access it one day together), so I let that go. Kindda like, as long as you say I can access or follow or anything in future with a privacy reason, I just let it go and wait.
3) You just want to keep it with 0 followers?
- This one may be the reason? Do you have followers there tho? I don't know. Even so, am I like 'others' that I'm still not qualified for this? I can't tell. IF I have a blog or tumblr account full of something I like, and may contain a few NSFW....Of course I DO NOT want anyone to follow it. BUT in the case of you, I don't get why I would reject you to follow me. It just doesn't make any sense when I reject you out of it.
4) Trend of not letting anyone you know to follow you?
- Let me imagine if my deviantart have such a trend... I have few followers but no one I know. I have the account for years, making me used to it (of not having anyone I know to follow). I honestly feel that it will be weird if my friends beg me to follow. I would tell them over and over again 'No'. But for you, I just can't find the reason for me to say no. Because you my lover, you have the access to anything (not my blog tho). The blog is special case, because I want you read it with you in future. As I recall, you didn't mention anything about... letting me follow your tumblr anytime in future. All I remember is 'no'.
I really can't find it darl, for that one particular issue. I really can't see it. I can't see how I won't let you access anything of me. The one and most obvious reason out is 'not enough love'. But I don't really think that's the problem at all. There's is just something you need to shed light upon for me to understand you. Explain to me nicely, I'll listen and try my best to understand you in anyway. You are one special and naisu girl, some things you really need to explain to me okay?
This thing came out because I was thinking about you bear doll. Just recently I joked that I if he is your 'daughter'.... erh?... erh?....erh?.... you said... that doll is he.... but you call him your daughter?.... I'm pretty sure I did not hear wrong.... so.. is it guy a girl?... Half also can la. haha.
So I joked around and say that if he/she is your daughter, means it is also mine. Then you strictly replied, no. Because he/she is yours and not shared to me at all. Well, one thing first, I don't have any intention to take over your doll in any angle. You said you gonna murder me if I take it from you. The way you pronounce your 'murder' sounds... cold? I don't know, maybe my life is not as important as your doll? Hahaha. It sounds like as if I can just to hell with it than I can even hug or touch the doll. Maybe my death is not much compare to that? Who knows? You always surprise me a lot anyway. I'm not here to argue if I can have the doll la, it's just your reply for that, sounds like, as if our relationship is temporary in the case with your doll. Maybe it's just morning that why I sensitive? I'm fully awake right now and still think about your replies. What you said doesn't sound like play play, doesn't sound normal basically. Which in a way... I'm.. kindda scared? You'll tell me it's nothing... but I can actually relate your behavioral change to something... supernatural? I may sound off... but when you said something about 'aura', I kind of... not wanting to play or joke around anymore? I notice your behavior changes suddenly from that... like... I don't know.....
Let's out the 'supernatural' thing away. Well.. when you say you gonna murder me if I hug it or take it away ( my take it away mean just hug it infront of you, not running away with a car), sounds like.... you really did creep me out. Honestly speaking, I do not like the word murder to be joked around us. I really feel like, in just that instance, our tonnes of happy memory got dissolved just by one small act. That's human ofcourse...Just one misunderstood, all the happy memories are in danger. But one happy memory would not dissolve all the other sad memories. Imagine our plans of the future, the happy happy plans, like going around the world, live together and stuff, got corroded by that one matter..... I'm trying to detect if I'm overthinking. But if I overthink, I do give out some symptoms. Most likely is fear and the wants to discuss it badly. I'm in none, I'm really calm, but just... felt weird.
Talk about your doll only, I just thought that if you would share that with me, it means to me that you really have your childhood accepted me. Some lovers, they are happy couples, but either one or both conceals their childhood, for their childself do not accept the other person yet, or may never. If you would share the doll with me, I would feel... like your younger self would accept me? It would really make me happy you know that? I'm not sure if you understand about this childhood thing. If it doesn't, think about it further, want to discuss about it? We can discuss about it right after you read this. I give example, if I don't accept you to my childhood, I will tell you that I'll never want to show you my hometown. Just like that. My present self accepted you, what about the past?
You might wonder why is this important to me tho? Why do I want you to give me the access to everything? Simple, my goal in relationship is to love one another COMPLETELY. When I say completely, means everything. I want to prove myself that perfect relationship does exist, and it is now up to you to prove it to me. If you want me to have my life ended one day with no such believe, that's fine by me, but happy or not, the answer is obvious. Why I search for such relationship tho? What benefit would it bring to us? Well, one thing, we can cross out 'being uncomfortable in any way' out of the problems that every married or not married couples always face. Many couples always feel like, 'oh I can't show this to him, I can't let him know this, I cant' blah blah blah'. I want to eradicate that problem from us. I want us to get comfortable in everything. You many not ever experience this because, firstly, I'm your first and will be the final guy you'll be with in your life, and lastly, I actually let you access a lot of things almost immediately because I don't want you to feel sad and uncomfortable with me.
So about that tumblr and doll thing, I honestly still feel incomplete with you. Until then, I'll just keep this matter in my closed case. I'll open it when the time is right. Darl, sometimes I don't feel fair because it's hard for me to say no to you, but it is easy for you to say no to me. You asked me before, 'Why am I not tired of you?'. Sometimes.... I really am. Like sometimes how you treat me differently ( in a way I don't really like) when I gave you the obvious signs that I want you to treat me like how I treat you? I always give you many signs that I want you to treat me the same as how I treat you in some things. Like accessibility, I always give you sign that I let you have access anything of me, and I would like you to do the same, but instead you didn't. I'm not referring to private parts because one day in far future, it's something that we will definitely do. I'm only referring to your doll and your tumblr for now. I guess until the day you say 'You can', I'll finally be able to feel more at ease. 98.9% at ease is not 100% for me. I want to strive for 'perfect'.
So darl. That's all to it now. I'm going back to sleep. Darl, what I really want to tell you is that... I want you to give me ways so I can access everything of you, instead of 'murder', 'no' and 'reason of no and no, without telling me any possible way to overcome it.' It's really, in a way for other couples as nothing, but in our relationship, I'm still going to make a stand for myself. Whether you like it or not... it's really my policy to make everything perfect between us. And so far we have been doing good, and I wish to make it even better for both of us. There's a saying, 'Something may require scars, to make a better future.' Simply means, even though we don't like to do it, we still have to do it IF we want to archive something better.
So, love you lots darl. Please give me your opinion nicely to me darl. Don't scold me okay? Don't say bad about me okay? Please don't say my remark is childish... you other approach if you think it is, because saying my remark is childish makes me a person who is scared to give opinions. :( These are my opinions (some facts) about us....No marah ye? Ehe. As you can see the obvious mark here, it shows that I'm really scared of you after giving my opinions.... I actually always do this to you, so.... I don't know if you already know it or not. We discuss it nicely ye? So that we can avoid biased remarks.. Love you lots. Be safe me love. Stay healthy. Byee~
Below are actually some thing I always want to archive long ago when we still new in relationship. Please cross out the one that you already let me in.
1) I have the access to your full body.
2) I can sleep with you.
3) I can have the access to your room (your permission)
4) I have access to any of your tumblr or blog.
5) Whatever you make, crochet or sewing or anything like that. I want a copy for myself.
6) I can hug Charlie.
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The darl ish sign here if he still loves darl alot. The darl ish sign here ONLY if all the above is crossed, and also loved the darl.
