Hi there... It's been a while since I write here. Today you told me that your friends are celebrating your birthday. I honestly feel happy for you while having myself to be very jealous. I mean, imagine to have friends and chat around while celebrating your birthday, isn't that fun? I didn't have that for quite awhile already. I have my birthday celebrated many times in the past compared to you, I guess now it goes other way round.
This summer so far devastated my mental. From unexpected results, to unnecessary stress, to unexpected problems.... There are too many. Let me try to recall the times that made me pissed off.
1. You going out with group of guys to Malacca. From here I learned you are not the type of actually care about my feels? I kindda think you are the type to expect me to be happy when I'm not. I do understand that you have to go adventure, if not you become sad and trapped in the house. You know that going out town with bunch if guys only is what I don't like. Yet you still go without trying to convince me to be happy and make me feel like I'm in part of your trip. When I said about this 'permission' idea, straight away you think that I'm restraining you like a father, when all I want is to receive updates from your adventure and share share your day. I don't get it. Isn't this what normal couple should be doing?
2. Taking wrong classes and high expectation for myself. Took hard class in short quarter is bad (referring to philosophy). Took a bad and hard online class where I sometimes couldn't understand what the question was (not clear). Listening to music especially. How the heck are we supposed to know 'Which one sounds scary'. We have our own perspective, I hear the cello plays creepy sound, but the answer is the violin that plays it. This quarter makes me learn that no matter how hard I learn for certain subjects, as long as my skills are not good enough for that subject, I'm just a sole looser who took the poison candy. I always think of getting perfect results. If I don't I stress like hell. Every week I have to do all those weird listening exercises hoping I could get 100% , which nowadays I seem to have fail at. I guess this is what the meaning of 'don't care about good result' supposed to mean.
3. When I thought that I won't have anymore English exams anymore, behold, IETLS. I really find this a stressing matter. Grammars/Vocab is what I hate, and I have to be tested for that. Just what? Why?
4. You going to Penang. I was so stressed until the day you said you are going with YM. Before knowing that, I already felt so much anger in me. I did mention that you have to ask this 'permission' from me but you take it like a joke. I kind of ignore it because it was out of my thoughts. Why would I even ask you to ask if you don't actually take this properly. What happened is you straight away have the trip without asking me, and when I remind you about it, you asked me if you could go. But before I answer you fully, you potong me and talk about something else, which leads you to have a roadtrip with a guy I don't know. Just wow. I felt much better in the end of course. But you'll be staying by yourself... which I'm still quite worried about.
5. Realizing that most probably no one will care about my birthday this year. Hearing that lemon invited others for your birthday is a good news to me; however like what I mentioned up there, I'm really jealous. You asked me if it's okay to hand feed them, said it's okay, followed by telling you I'm 'skull' inside already. In the end I told you it's just a joke, but I do feel quite numb. Numb means I don't really feel much anymore. Because those things happened to far, I really felt so haih till I don't care. Honestly speaking, why are you sad when I tell you I'm dead inside?
It's a honest statement actually. Why do you have to be sad for a honest statement that I repeat myself over and over again? I don't get it really. You know I have a bad quarter and bad moments, isn't it natural for me to be very sad? Instead of you sad, why not make me happy? I've been waiting for you to actually make me happy when I say that to you.
All these numbs I think is called ignorance. Because honestly I have been very ignorance towards things these days. When you told me that you can't skype, I don't feel sad. When you have things to do that I don't really like, I just say okay and just go. Ofcourse things like going out with guys will still affect me, but if right now, most probably I'll take it as another shit of the summer and move on. Being 'dead inside' seem to make me less sad and makes you more free. So why are you not agree with that? I'm not gonna ask you this, but I'll give you hints as we go along.
For now, I'll just play nice because your birthday is soon.
Love you.
