Hello darl. Writing this cause I misu. Darl ish having flu, wish i could be there to jaga darl.
Me love, when you shared to your girl friends about this cute angmo guy, I began to have this one thinking. You still share guys in social media and praise them? It's not wrong, it's just I really didn't think you would still do. I know like how guys always share sexy girls around their social things, but I though after relationship, all of that has to stop? Cause like me, I don't share girls no more after I had you. I also have never seen any women that are married sharing those pictures in their social media. (Actually, one of the requirement that I have for my girl is the type that not to post random people and say they are cute or handsome) I really don't feel right at all actually. Like it feels to say there's someone better than me. I know that in our relationship, we are free to talk about the truth. But when I actually wished you to praise me more and say something like 'he is not much la' or anything that would make me feel better than that guy, you didn't. (I actually wanted to click 'hide post' on that share, but scare if it would hide everything else you are going to share).
I'm not writing this because I very jealous or something, it's just I really expect you to be like who I am alittle. I know you love me yea? But there's some actions that if you take, you must properly face the consequences. For me, IF I ever post a sexy girl, if you complain or say something, I'll always praise you as you are better than her. I actually said "I'm not as cute as him." And instead of you telling me "you are always better", you said "you are who you are." You really have to learn how to use 'white lie' sometimes. I think you start to share hot guys because you said your 5 guy friends always post random girls, and in which, you may have gotten influenced by them. I actually had never seen you sharing a random guy and act as those normal girls and start to call them handsome and cute. If those 5 guys really did influenced you, I really am getting vexed by them. I say that cause I don't know them, and they always do something that make me jelly and sads and much of those events where you told me to get used to them.
This is my confession actually... I actually expects you to treat me like how I treat you. I know the moments where it can make you feel abit sad, and I always try my best to remove it instead of defending it, instead of saying that it is normal to do such thing. I don't find anything 'normal' that includes making you jelly or sads. I really wish you could just understand the fact that I'm very weak hearted when far away from you, instead of telling me to get used to you all the time. I easily feel sads from small changes and stuffs you know that? If this happens when I'm next to you, I'll be just meh and bully you abit. Atleast for now.... can you just.... always praise me more, instead of telling me 'you are yourself', which automatically will make myself to hate myself more.
I'm not like who I am before, remember that. I'll be back to my old self when we start living together. Honestly though, I may not be high maintenance person in terms of cash, BUT I AM IN TERMS OF EMOTIONAL AND FEELS. Maybe that's new to you. Can't always expect me to change all the time.
Love you.
Monday 27 June 2016
Sunday 26 June 2016
26th June 2016
Hello darl. It's been a few days since I happy happy. Today many bad stuff happened to me. For example, I got lost when trying to find Target, and also I missed many buses. But since these days we happy happy skyped, I actually feel to sadness nor anger. All I did was laugh normally and told myself better up next time, just like what I would do if you are next to me.
So then... We discussed about vaping today... You did get me right at non-containing nicotine vape. But... how are you going to try? Is there any girl friends that you know vapes? Do you accept vape by other guys? :/ I'm not very happy when that happens... Other thing is... I told you that if you do, I'll do as well. And if mine contains nicotine.... I might die darl. Also... Like I said... What if our children see? I don't want our family to be the smokey smokey type actually. Later they start to some cigaratte and waste money on those.... I really don't want our children to be like that darl.. :( Like my whole father side lineage, none of them smokes (even drinks). I just feel not happy to break that trend.... Not to mention that you REALLY DON'T suit doing these kind of things. It's really.... frustrating in a way for me to see you do such thing. I know is harmless... but it's really... not cool. Imagine I'm doing something harmless to my body, but the action itself is not cool... What would you feel?
You always say me that if you get the opportunity, then you get, eventhough I against. I don't get it darl.... Why? Why can't you just don't do it for me. Done. I always do that you know? What ever you don't like me doing, I always change without you telling me to. Do you feel is right to actually do something that I don't like you doing? Does it really not affect you? Let's say if I have a trip to Mexico and you tell me you are not happy with it because it is dangerous, I'll definitely decline the trip. Why? Is it love? Well, it's because when I know I'm doing something that the people I love not happy me doing, I would not enjoy it at all. It just hurts for me to continue doing something that would not make my people happy, eventhough I have the permission to. Even if you allow me to go for a dangerous trip, I'll decline the trip until you feel relaxed and happy about it. If you are not going to be happy, then I'll just drop the case. It's easy for me to sacrifice any thing for you. What about you? I don't doubt you or anything. I just feel so...indifferent? I really don't get why you would continue doing something even though I told you I'm not happy about it. I know you like to try new stuff... But... Is it worth my sadness? In this matter, even if I allow, I'll always be not happy inside, no matter how much you debate or discuss with me. These kind of thing is a COMPLETE FULLS STOP. Please darl... I know it doesn't harm you, but IT CAN harm me and my future dreams, as well as the view I have on you....
Well... In relationship, you should understand that sometimes you have to drop some of your bucketlist stuff and dreams for your lover in order to have a stable relationship ESPECIALLY long distance. If I'm next to you, the chances of allowing you to vape is actually higher because I'm there with you. So darl... in the end is your choice... I'm not sure I'm being childish or what... It's just what I really wanna say you know? One thing, if you ever do and put it as a secret for yourself, I'll really hate you for that. We are together as one, if you dare to put something to separate that 'one' I'll really.... will be very disappointed in you. I trust that you don't put any secrets between us oke? And your choice to vape is depending on yourself, but please don't always expect me to go your way. I'll always follow your decision, but in these kind of matter, no.
Love you.
So then... We discussed about vaping today... You did get me right at non-containing nicotine vape. But... how are you going to try? Is there any girl friends that you know vapes? Do you accept vape by other guys? :/ I'm not very happy when that happens... Other thing is... I told you that if you do, I'll do as well. And if mine contains nicotine.... I might die darl. Also... Like I said... What if our children see? I don't want our family to be the smokey smokey type actually. Later they start to some cigaratte and waste money on those.... I really don't want our children to be like that darl.. :( Like my whole father side lineage, none of them smokes (even drinks). I just feel not happy to break that trend.... Not to mention that you REALLY DON'T suit doing these kind of things. It's really.... frustrating in a way for me to see you do such thing. I know is harmless... but it's really... not cool. Imagine I'm doing something harmless to my body, but the action itself is not cool... What would you feel?
You always say me that if you get the opportunity, then you get, eventhough I against. I don't get it darl.... Why? Why can't you just don't do it for me. Done. I always do that you know? What ever you don't like me doing, I always change without you telling me to. Do you feel is right to actually do something that I don't like you doing? Does it really not affect you? Let's say if I have a trip to Mexico and you tell me you are not happy with it because it is dangerous, I'll definitely decline the trip. Why? Is it love? Well, it's because when I know I'm doing something that the people I love not happy me doing, I would not enjoy it at all. It just hurts for me to continue doing something that would not make my people happy, eventhough I have the permission to. Even if you allow me to go for a dangerous trip, I'll decline the trip until you feel relaxed and happy about it. If you are not going to be happy, then I'll just drop the case. It's easy for me to sacrifice any thing for you. What about you? I don't doubt you or anything. I just feel so...indifferent? I really don't get why you would continue doing something even though I told you I'm not happy about it. I know you like to try new stuff... But... Is it worth my sadness? In this matter, even if I allow, I'll always be not happy inside, no matter how much you debate or discuss with me. These kind of thing is a COMPLETE FULLS STOP. Please darl... I know it doesn't harm you, but IT CAN harm me and my future dreams, as well as the view I have on you....
Well... In relationship, you should understand that sometimes you have to drop some of your bucketlist stuff and dreams for your lover in order to have a stable relationship ESPECIALLY long distance. If I'm next to you, the chances of allowing you to vape is actually higher because I'm there with you. So darl... in the end is your choice... I'm not sure I'm being childish or what... It's just what I really wanna say you know? One thing, if you ever do and put it as a secret for yourself, I'll really hate you for that. We are together as one, if you dare to put something to separate that 'one' I'll really.... will be very disappointed in you. I trust that you don't put any secrets between us oke? And your choice to vape is depending on yourself, but please don't always expect me to go your way. I'll always follow your decision, but in these kind of matter, no.
Love you.
Tuesday 21 June 2016
21st June 2016
So... you were deciding weather or not should you go to Malacca with your 5 guys friend. Honestly I really don't want you to go, since all of them are guys. In the end... I guess you can't read me. I really wished to just skype and make myself feel better. I honestly feel very sads right now. My friends are going back to China and have fun.... Whereas me, I just stuck here alone. My plan of skyping you day and night is ruined.You know that all I want now is really just attention whole day? Just 1-2 days do this with me..... But everytime we can, you busy with assignment, or the most coincidental moment of holiday which you have to go out with your friends. I'm laughing right now. Because everything goes shit.I really feel like going nowhere right now. Darl.... you know i'm still not happy with you going out with 5 guys right? Why did you just accept so quickly before planning ahead ...? And consider about my feelings....I really am disappointed with you right now. What ever decision I gave you, you always give me the opposite answer. How amusing. Bye darl. For I'm leaving my city.
21st June 2016
Well... hello darl. Nothing much to say... Just, I'm not in that very good mood though.
These days we skyped less cause you were busy. I'm fine with that actually, but I feel darl doesn't show me much affection as before.
I'm having my 2 weeks holiday now and I've been waiting for this moment to skype you as much as we can without having to look at the clock every single minute. Did you know? When I Skyped you during school days, I always cannot put my skype on fullscreen? I do that because I always watch the clock at my taskbar so I won't be late for class. It is not comfortable to not skype you in fullscreen you know that? But now when we can, darl ish busy. Not your fault tho... I'm just saying cause you know how much I hate when things I planned doesn't really work out.
Today, you told me first thing in the morning that you want to relax and told me to wait another 30 min. I was like.... is it.... not relaxing for you to skype me? I really donno though. You told me that you ish lazy to go and move around? (from your room to living room) that's why you wanna relax by watching youtube in your room? You told me something like that. You know? This may sound bad, but.... I actually never wanted to skype you in the morning. Now now, don't get alll worked up ye? I have reasons behind everything. It's just.... everytime I wake up at 8 in the morning, I really wish I could just not open my tired eyes you know? It's really pain for me to wake up by my alarm and text you and check your availability. Sometimes when you don't reply fast or messages got only 1 tick, I had to quickly move my legs down the floor and walk to computer eventhough I hate it. Try one day.... no no no. A MONTH, wake up at 8 just to skype me. You'll feel the pain. So much pain that Skyping < Sleeping. But I always have to fight my sleepy side just to see you. My one and only motivation to wake up early and being tired everyday is the hope that darl would cheer me up. But truth to be told, it's not always guaranteed that you'll always make me happy. Sometimes I'm happy, and sometimes I sads because of what you expect me to be. I can't be very talkative all the time darl... So sometimes you've gotta be the one that talks alot in the convo... Every morning I always put the bet on you making me happy, you know that? So now you know.... how to ruin my day and make me sien of skyping you in the morning. You may have the want to relax at that time, but just to tell you, every morning I have to fight that similar feelings just to see you.
Darl said tomorrow you gonna go Malacca. I was sad. You know why? I wanted to have a fun and proper Skype with you. Most of these days, you browse browse stuff while skyping me, making me speechless. Even sometimes when I talk to you, halfway you just cut me off and go do something else. That's why today you said I ish quiet. I am tired darl. I am tired in the morning, and become more tired because when I use my morning energy to wake up and set up computer, and talk to you, you don't seem to appreciate it. Right now I'm kidda saying that it's your fault, but if it is really my fault to be quiet, please tell me, I would love to settle this problem in anyway peaceful. I'm that kind of person who would let the people I love to put the blame on me, so that problem solved faster. But sometimes I do fear that one person would think that it's always my fault in the end. And I'm afraid that you'll be that person. I'm really not good in saying who's right and who's wrong you know.... especially towards the people I love. It feels bad to say they wrong... because in the end I would exaggerate it and make them feel worst. In addition to the problems we have, you don;t remember this but, I asked you "Where you know?" 3 times and you did not answer my question. You were busy with your going Malacca group.... I find it weird le... Because for me, I respect every thing someone said/typed and I would go scroll up to check if missed anything. Other reason why I learned to respect what people text me is also because I rarely get any text. I appreciate any words that are given to me. If someone give me lots of questions in separate speech bubbles or in one big speech bubble, I would read everything and make sure I answered everything. In order to ask someone a question, a trust is given. Why would you ask questions to someone who won't answer? Haih. This happened before when you told me you only answer my last question. Until now, when I want to ask you questions, I prefer to ask you one by one, which I find it sien. I mean it is easier to I ask you in one go, and you answer me in one go. That's all....
Back to what happened... Even when you chat other groups or other people, if you gonna switch convo back to me, won't you see the notification that I replied you? I don't know you, but I do see that. When I switch back from different convos, even if I want to repost something to you, I would still check what you said or ask, and reply them all before I repost or start a new topic; so that I can still read what you typed. That's what you do as well, I asked you stuff, you repost me something from other convo, and usually you ignored what I typed above and start new stuff. Haih. Maybe that's the reason why I hate to text you while you text others.
Today you told me you going Malacca and you noticed that I said something dodgy and followed by a "ttyl". You told me that I'm being secretive, but I denied. The truth is, I am not feeling happy right now. I'm not happy with everything right now. Even your half day trip to Malacca. Because of those things that are happening between us, I actually wanted to isolate myself. Oh, I said I was gonna make strawberry sauce... which ofcourse I lied. I didn't want to tell you that straight cause later you no mood. Then is all my fault again. Sometimes I felt like I'm restrained to tell you some truth about what I feel. In the end you no mood, then it's my fault.... You know what? Yes, I am tired of thing right now. So... love you lots. Nights.
These days we skyped less cause you were busy. I'm fine with that actually, but I feel darl doesn't show me much affection as before.
I'm having my 2 weeks holiday now and I've been waiting for this moment to skype you as much as we can without having to look at the clock every single minute. Did you know? When I Skyped you during school days, I always cannot put my skype on fullscreen? I do that because I always watch the clock at my taskbar so I won't be late for class. It is not comfortable to not skype you in fullscreen you know that? But now when we can, darl ish busy. Not your fault tho... I'm just saying cause you know how much I hate when things I planned doesn't really work out.
Today, you told me first thing in the morning that you want to relax and told me to wait another 30 min. I was like.... is it.... not relaxing for you to skype me? I really donno though. You told me that you ish lazy to go and move around? (from your room to living room) that's why you wanna relax by watching youtube in your room? You told me something like that. You know? This may sound bad, but.... I actually never wanted to skype you in the morning. Now now, don't get alll worked up ye? I have reasons behind everything. It's just.... everytime I wake up at 8 in the morning, I really wish I could just not open my tired eyes you know? It's really pain for me to wake up by my alarm and text you and check your availability. Sometimes when you don't reply fast or messages got only 1 tick, I had to quickly move my legs down the floor and walk to computer eventhough I hate it. Try one day.... no no no. A MONTH, wake up at 8 just to skype me. You'll feel the pain. So much pain that Skyping < Sleeping. But I always have to fight my sleepy side just to see you. My one and only motivation to wake up early and being tired everyday is the hope that darl would cheer me up. But truth to be told, it's not always guaranteed that you'll always make me happy. Sometimes I'm happy, and sometimes I sads because of what you expect me to be. I can't be very talkative all the time darl... So sometimes you've gotta be the one that talks alot in the convo... Every morning I always put the bet on you making me happy, you know that? So now you know.... how to ruin my day and make me sien of skyping you in the morning. You may have the want to relax at that time, but just to tell you, every morning I have to fight that similar feelings just to see you.
Darl said tomorrow you gonna go Malacca. I was sad. You know why? I wanted to have a fun and proper Skype with you. Most of these days, you browse browse stuff while skyping me, making me speechless. Even sometimes when I talk to you, halfway you just cut me off and go do something else. That's why today you said I ish quiet. I am tired darl. I am tired in the morning, and become more tired because when I use my morning energy to wake up and set up computer, and talk to you, you don't seem to appreciate it. Right now I'm kidda saying that it's your fault, but if it is really my fault to be quiet, please tell me, I would love to settle this problem in anyway peaceful. I'm that kind of person who would let the people I love to put the blame on me, so that problem solved faster. But sometimes I do fear that one person would think that it's always my fault in the end. And I'm afraid that you'll be that person. I'm really not good in saying who's right and who's wrong you know.... especially towards the people I love. It feels bad to say they wrong... because in the end I would exaggerate it and make them feel worst. In addition to the problems we have, you don;t remember this but, I asked you "Where you know?" 3 times and you did not answer my question. You were busy with your going Malacca group.... I find it weird le... Because for me, I respect every thing someone said/typed and I would go scroll up to check if missed anything. Other reason why I learned to respect what people text me is also because I rarely get any text. I appreciate any words that are given to me. If someone give me lots of questions in separate speech bubbles or in one big speech bubble, I would read everything and make sure I answered everything. In order to ask someone a question, a trust is given. Why would you ask questions to someone who won't answer? Haih. This happened before when you told me you only answer my last question. Until now, when I want to ask you questions, I prefer to ask you one by one, which I find it sien. I mean it is easier to I ask you in one go, and you answer me in one go. That's all....
Back to what happened... Even when you chat other groups or other people, if you gonna switch convo back to me, won't you see the notification that I replied you? I don't know you, but I do see that. When I switch back from different convos, even if I want to repost something to you, I would still check what you said or ask, and reply them all before I repost or start a new topic; so that I can still read what you typed. That's what you do as well, I asked you stuff, you repost me something from other convo, and usually you ignored what I typed above and start new stuff. Haih. Maybe that's the reason why I hate to text you while you text others.
Today you told me you going Malacca and you noticed that I said something dodgy and followed by a "ttyl". You told me that I'm being secretive, but I denied. The truth is, I am not feeling happy right now. I'm not happy with everything right now. Even your half day trip to Malacca. Because of those things that are happening between us, I actually wanted to isolate myself. Oh, I said I was gonna make strawberry sauce... which ofcourse I lied. I didn't want to tell you that straight cause later you no mood. Then is all my fault again. Sometimes I felt like I'm restrained to tell you some truth about what I feel. In the end you no mood, then it's my fault.... You know what? Yes, I am tired of thing right now. So... love you lots. Nights.
Thursday 9 June 2016
9th June 2016
Hello. Just now seemed like I made you mad. I just had a tiring and haih day... All I wanted to do is to get alot of attention. Darl always play phone and stuff.... Then I acted that I sads (I was too tried to play drama) and wanted to get your reactions. I always want you to spoil me you know? Like when I very demanding, I expect you to act properly and show that you lovey. We didn't skyped this morning, that's why I ish very misu and such. Well, I always thought you understand what to do when I change my act, I guess you don't. In the end you geram me. I feel so wrong and so WTF of myself. Just wanna get you off that phone or your Facebook, but in the end I kena. Might as well I don't seek attention from anyone anymore lol. I also realized that we get into this when I act In want attention. Maybe I should not be clingy to you AT ALL. Or maybe I expected too much from you?
Or maybe I'm just a loser. Can't be a chooser.
Love you.
Or maybe I'm just a loser. Can't be a chooser.
Love you.
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