31st March 2016

Just few hours ago I updated this blog... Funny that I came here again. I must be truly desperate to write right now.

Nothing much.... Just I felt... sad you know that? Like this sadness....I feel like ending everything. Not death. More a like, cut all connection and go to space and explore the interstellar by myself. You read that right.... just... myself.. sorry. I always feel very needy of you, but you hardly are... which makes me an idiot. 

Idiotic is me. Long since I was still small till now, never my idiotic self evaporates over time. I guess I never can...

I saw your pictures from photobooth..... saying you are happy with your friends.... and happy with your year... I honestly feel like... sads when I saw that picture... Looking at how different we are. I really don't want to live anymore. Usually when I see your smiling pictures, I'd like it. But this one.... Sorry... I didn't put a like and... I skip that pic without looking close at your face. Your captions is enough to make me go. I really feel jealous. That's why........

You said you are friendly. I'm friendly too, but none cares. Why? When I asked you' Maybe I'm too dumb or something' through whatsapp, you replied 'idk'. 'IDK'? Is that really your answer at this moment? Since we couldn't skype, I actually wanted you to support me, not by facts and tell me you don't know. I just seek attention so I could think straight.... I thought we always do that? When you sad, I always support you even though I didn't know much about the problem, so that you can get mental support from me.... But today you didn't. You gave me facts that doesn't make me feel better. I know the facts and I want to get away from there awhile and get on to a dream where I can just think about you to make me mentally better..... It's useless isn't it? Like you said 4 years, I'll let you do what ever you think is right, hurts me or not, I can't do anything but accept. Right now, I honestly feel like I'm 100% alone. You might think it's okay, but it's not. Means I can't imagine you to sleep right now. If this happens more, who knows I won't be able to imagine you anymore? 

Maybe I'm just expecting too much? Who knows? I'm extremely mad with your friends inviting you to cc and makes you fatigue. I don't care right now if they didn't know it could happen, it's their fault. I honestly hate people who makes someone skip class. I'm strict in skipping class. I do not tolerate the people I love skipping class because of something. 

Why am I like this? Firstly, I'm jealous till max. Secondly they take you to do something that I can't imagine you doing and lastly, caused you to skip class. 

HAIH!

If you read this right now, most probably you'll tell me 'What to do?' I hate that question from you. You tell me that? You know that you hold the pencil to my script of happiness? Are you going to let this go on normally? Or are you gonna change the story a little? 

honestly...I;m happy you have friends... I'm just jealous... I'm sorry...I'.m.... really sorry... I really feel like crying right now. Soryrryy you have to date someone like me....

loveyou..

30th March 2016

Today.... You went to cyber cafe and play cs. You had that 'syndrome' that people might get when they play cs in cyber cafe. One can play well in cyber cafe if they are used to it though.

When I heard you gonna play, my heart drops down till I get so.... pissed off? I... honestly do not like girls who go cyber cafe play games. It's not hate... more a like... not a preferred girl. Like, I went to cyber cafe many times before and I noticed that I get to addicted to it, spending hundreds to go and play with friends. I feel very.... so into it? Money spend.... that money can be used to buy wifi service and good online games. Therefore I hate it when someone I love goes to a cyber cafe.

I also.... do not like... it when you play these games cause....it's... just not you. You are not that girl who plays this kind of games.... What if you are into it? I just can't imagine you know? When you do something that doesn't suit you, I tend to lost that relationship connection, because in a way I feel like I'm dating someone new. If we are next to each other physically, I don't mind, cause I can be there with you and learn together. Right now, I'm far as hell. Technically if hell is in the bottom of the earth, whereas I'm on the other other side of the world.... means I'm further than hell itself. I can't grow with you easily like this you know that? I really can't.... I'm not strong at all. I accept changes here, but not between us. You said that we are separated for 4 years and that you are going to do alot of stuff without me. I'm fine with that.... just... please... not something that doesn't suit you. My mind just doesn't add up when that happens. I was playing CS just now when you told me you were going to play CS in Cyber Cafe. I got so pissed, my death increases much more than my kill (which is bad). When you do something that doesn't suit you, it's like you change to someone that I don't prefer to date.... You can tell me that I'm not thinking far, but as I understand people in depth,I noticed that there are just things that we have to follow in order to be with them, because YOU really do not want to change that part of them. I can tell you more about this when you read this. But it's up to you of course.  There are of course some things that I just have to accept from you which I wish not change. It's not something that is pleasant, yet I can't change, but I'm okay with that. Isn't that something that people should acknowledge in relationship? You date a person that you feel you can fit in the most(in a way that you feel more happier than sadder if you were to date that person). Of course that one person is not perfect to begin with, no matter who you date, there's always problem in there(mostly are minor problems). And if you notice, we actually adapt those problems. I can give you example, your hate of hearing chewing sound. I personally do not find that a heavy problem for me. But sometimes you went to extreme for that, like when i was chewing my bar when we skyped, you told me you are going to mute your skype. I find it disrespectful for anyone to mute me, because..... why not just off? Don't bother skyping me, but ofcourse I couldn't do that. I have to adapt to that problem of yours and chew with mouth closed. I'm pretty sure that you won't be able to change that, because it is more a like your nature, and I can't do anything about it except to just accept it and change myself. I have problems that I can't change and you just have to adapt. For example is my acceptance to your change. I don't mind you do new stuff, just don't do something that won't benefit you and...... doesn't suit you. I personally find cyber Cafe like a gambling place, go there waste money. I know you hate casinos. I actually was invited to gamble here, but I know you hate it, so I didn't go for it. I feel that it's wrong to do something you don't like me doing.

I honestly do not have strong mental here so.... please... for me... please don't do weird stuff until we get together again k? I know it's 4 years.... but please... do your best so I won't have my mental deteriorate even more....Love you.

11th March 2016

Entery 11th March 2016.

Its been awhile since i update my blog. The last time could have been many months ago. Or could it be a few days ago. Who cares?

Being alone may have been what i have to go through eversince i set foot here in the US. All i can tell is that, i always have bad luck in making and having friends here. I tried to blend in, but it doesn't seem to work properly here. I wonder where i went wrong. I applied in for International Assistant, with reasons of being alone here and they reject me with bullsgit saying 'thank you of applying.... we appreciate.....' Fuck your gentelness people. We do not appricate when we got rejected, don't say that you are happy to meet us, and other bullshits you all says. Other want to have opportunities you all said? Dont fucking bullshit me, i need this to make friends fools. Your college is really is a fucked up place to make friends you know that? Luckly i wasn't as unstable as before, i might do something i might regret definitely if this happened during my unstable time. In this college, i only have one friend... i guess i can say... had in few more weeks... she is the nicest person i have here in the college, i find her the best out of all in friend making. She even agrees on this college being not friendly and bad at judgements in many different ways. She smiles all the time whenever i talk to her, which is makes me confrotable most of the time. But guess what, she's leaving soon. Wont see her for awhile, might be even a long time... or will never be. Fate holds our friendship, i'll just let that go, let the wind blow us without direction, will we oneday meet again? We never know. But i thanked het for being such a nice person with me, i really wished i could know her even more and be even closer as friends. I guess all in all, nothing can be done much with little time.

Im mostly alone here. People always asked me,' you have your girlfriend'. I have. I still have. But she isn't reliable sometimes. When i want to chat her, usually she's busy with her work.... as well sometimes with playing games with her friends... I usually send out signs that i really need her when she's not busy doing her work or rather busy playing games with her friends when i'm really lonely. I could say most of the time she doesnt get my message at all. I do sometime feel ma girl prefers being with her friends that being with me. I know that aint true. But im overly sensitive you know when im all lonely. Still though, if she needs me when im not busy doing school work, i'll get on to her. Name it, games, sports, music and all other things i can do, i'll always prioritize ma girl over them. I dont know how she thinks but, ofcourse what just happened i do predict that she doesn't know when i really need her. What happened was that she was busy playing games with her friends when i texted her, she kindda read my message and went offline, i hate the word, but it can mean she ignored. When i told her that she went offline, she just send me a kiss emoji,thats all, and i honetly feel that doesn't make any fucking sense. So i had to tell her an embedded message if she does notice that i really miss her and needa talk to her, apparently she doesnt get it and said sorry that she is busy playing games. I just raged of ma chat and said imma sleep. Ofcouse thats a bullshit i told her, what im doing now o the prove that i aint sleeping. Im getting all fed up with these problems. If im all lonely, i couldnt imagine her at all, which means my connection to her is damaged. And when i really need her, which is just right few minustes ago, i actually want to fix the damages i feel. I thought i told her hat already, and i thought she's smart to know these, man, i many need to rethink twice.

You know what dawg? Fuck this shit. I might as well be 100% independent and need no contact any shit to make my shit feel better. Im out.