Hazard: Stubborn and selfish.
Hello. I find it funny though, everytime I write this blog thing, it's always about me feelings sad or unhappy about us.
Today's one is nothing in particular. Simple matter, me releasing gas on times of indigestion. From this though, I begin to recall something about you. You do not wish to change your traumatic things for me.
You keep repeating to tell me that you will never ever want to learn. To be honest, I find it a very disgusting statement. I couldn't tell you straight in face because I might hurt your feelings or whatso ever. I however, respect your feelings about this.
What saddens me is the fact that there are things that you won't even do for me. I can just imagine myself being in a condition that you don't like, instead of helping, you run away from me. If I were you, I wouldn't mind because I love you. But of course, that is if you were me. What makes me even sad for today is when you told me "I hated you for that" when I have been telling you to make me happy. Is it fun I ask you? Repeating something about hate between us? Is it so traumatic that you can just say something like that to me?
This is all my fault anyway. I expected too much of lovers sometimes. I always expect the people that I love to treat me the same as how I treat them. You have your own choice and you made your stand. But even me, I wouldn't spew out "I hated you for that", " Don't make me hated you for that again". Why do you need to repeat yourself?....
You told me with a serious face, which makes me feel really shocked. How could you? I have some things that I hated you for before. After learning that we should not ever talk about something we hated about, so what I did is to learn and change it as much as I can. I always try my best to eliminate something that I find hateful into something ignorable. When you get that from me, you complain it to me, when I get it, I prefer to just change by myself without trying to argue most of the time. From my blurred perspective right now, I feel like I always change what I don't like about you all the time, making you feel like there's nothing I dislike for. But when there's something that you dislike me for, you straight tell me not to do, instead of doing what I do.
To how certain extend do you love me? That's the real question for now. Really. Till to the point of trauma only? Not beyond that? Not like what I expected?
Actually, you are fine. I think is because I always idealizing you as my "perfect" girl. I want to feel happy in this life for assuming that you are my new "perfect" girl. All these things really taught me something. I never believed the fact that lovers cannot love and accept each other 100%, but I guess, I have to put it down as a new fact. In addition to that, I can also assume that, you won't be there with me at a complete 100% of my time; for 0.000001% you are going to let your believe out and push me away. Of course I won't tell you this. I'm sick of having to skype you with me having to feel like this everytime. If you sad, I get the blames. Why is it that it is easy for you to open you mouth but not me?.... You know I really cannot make you sad..
If you want to know how I can change my thinking of hate towards you into something ignorable, this is what I usually think: Life is already susah. Why need to put more factors of susah into life again? We can minimize it, but not eradicate it.
To think about it now. I think the main thing that I'm sad of is realizing that you can't always be there with me under certain condition that is applied to me.
P.S. I was happy in skype until you repeat "I hated you for that", I close eyes and acted smile. Actually you destroyed my smile and I felt even worst.
