14th October 2016

Hazard: Stubborn and selfish.

Hello. I find it funny though, everytime I write this blog thing, it's always about me feelings sad or unhappy about us.

Today's one is nothing in particular. Simple matter, me releasing gas on times of indigestion. From this though, I begin to recall something about you. You do not wish to change your traumatic things for me.

You keep repeating to tell me that you will never ever want to learn. To be honest, I find it a very disgusting statement. I couldn't tell you straight in face because I might hurt your feelings or whatso ever. I however, respect your feelings about this.

What saddens me is the fact that there are things that you won't even do for me. I can just imagine myself being in a condition that you don't like, instead of helping, you run away from me. If I were you, I wouldn't mind because I love you. But of course, that is if you were me. What makes me even sad for today is when you told me "I hated you for that" when I have been telling you to make me happy. Is it fun I ask you? Repeating something about hate between us? Is it so traumatic that you can just say something like that to me?

This is all my fault anyway. I expected too much of lovers sometimes. I always expect the people that I love to treat me the same as how I treat them. You have your own choice and you made your stand. But even me, I wouldn't spew out "I hated you for that", " Don't make me hated you for that again". Why do you need to repeat yourself?....

You told me with a serious face, which makes me feel really shocked. How could you? I have some things that I hated you for before. After learning that we should not ever talk about something we hated about, so what I did is to learn and change it as much as I can. I always try my best to eliminate something that I find hateful into something ignorable. When you get that from me, you complain it to me, when I get it, I prefer to just change by myself without trying to argue most of the time. From my blurred perspective right now, I feel like I always change what I don't like about you all the time, making you feel like there's nothing I dislike for. But when there's something that you dislike me for, you straight tell me not to do, instead of doing what I do.

To how certain extend do you love me? That's the real question for now. Really. Till to the point of trauma only? Not beyond that? Not like what I expected?

Actually, you are fine. I think is because I always idealizing you as my "perfect" girl. I want to feel happy in this life for assuming that you are my new "perfect" girl. All these things really taught me something. I never believed the fact that lovers cannot love and accept each other 100%, but I guess, I have to put it down as a new fact. In addition to that, I can also assume that, you won't be there with me at a complete 100% of my time; for 0.000001% you are going to let your believe out and push me away. Of course I won't tell you this. I'm sick of having to skype you with me having to feel like this everytime. If you sad, I get the blames. Why is it that it is easy for you to open you mouth but not me?.... You know I really cannot make you sad..

If you want to know how I can change my thinking of hate towards you into something ignorable, this is what I usually think:  Life is already susah. Why need to put more factors of susah into life again? We can minimize it, but not eradicate it.

To think about it now. I think the main thing that I'm sad of is realizing that you can't always be there with me under certain condition that is applied to me.

P.S. I was happy in skype until you repeat "I hated you for that", I close eyes and acted smile. Actually you destroyed my smile and I felt even worst.

27th Sep 2016. 12:59 AM

So, you finally came back from Penang trip and we skyped for the first time in weeks. Eventhough I was doing my work, I don't mind giving the time up to skype with you. Hey, happy mind makes us more motivated right?

I'm happy to see you again, and so do you. You have so many untold and forgotten stories that isn't shared to me yet. Due to exams and etc. Like how much you are closer with your friends now, without updating me little minor stuffs like you did before makes me feel distant from you. It's like... I really feel like I don't know the now you, which really disturbs me. I really wished that you can tell me small things in your days eventhough they are boring. I really want to keep up with your life, you know that? For example, I really wish that you can send me all of your snap stories, as it makes me feel special. I guess, it's very hard for you to do it right? Having the need to click my name everytime you send a story. It's already obvious from the start when I request for that, you told me to just look up your own story. This is where I always notice the difference in between us. I can admit that I'm the type to really do what ever you tell me to do that helps you to feel better or happier so that our relationship from your perspective is always good. If I'm really a heavy snapchat user and you request me to send you everything that I send, I will never say no. I'm used to make people happy by doing more work, and making people happy seems to make me even happier. You are like this as well right? Then why simple things like what I requested cannot be fulfilled? I admit that I'm the type of person who desires special attention in order to feel happy about our relationship. I know I'm special to you. But... right now, because of all the degrading of good relationship perspective from me I really need your special attention. To be honest, I really scared to ask you this. Later you say I'm spoilt and come to hate the me who is just seeking attention for love. And then you sad, and then our conversation becomes dull and haih. I already have enough workload from school, so I really don' want to deal with this.

Our first skype.... Expected nice and relaxing skype with you, but you keep singing that apple pen blah blah pineapple pen, which is rather annoying for me. But oh wells, darl is darl. I just wondered though, what if I said "I'm going to mute you if you sing again", something you always tell me when I'm annoying. Will you be sads?

I was honestly felt really excited to tell you about my day... Because telling someone about my day is really something that I rarely talk to others but like to do. I only have a few people who I talk about my days with darl. But guess what, halfway you slept. Honestly, in my point of view, telling someone story and fall asleep without notice is extremely rude. I love you okay? But still, please treat my boring story some respect. If you sleepy, tell me you are sleepy and may not be able to hear my full story. I'll rather hear that rather than wasting my voice to no one.

Well... I would rate this first skype horrible. As if I really want to erase this memory and start over again.

Love you.

P.s. from what i feel right now. I wished i hadnt skyped you today....

7th September 2016

Dear darl.

I do not have much right now. I just told you i'm going to sleep, but in actual fact I don't. These days we don't skype as much, which makes me feel a bit detached in feelings. It's just I feel so not updated by your days, even thought it's all full of studies only. 

I really remember that you told me about watching train to bushan together, but in the end you watch with your sister and others; cause you say I wanted to watch with you, but you did not mention about agreeing to me. However that is false. You were the one who introduced me to this movie, I don't recall getting you into these kind of movies at all. LET'S SAY what you said was true, even so, why don't you agree straight with me? I don't get it, really. We don't have much activities to do together, and when this can be one, you did not agree to it. The last time we watch movie together 'Me before you' was horribly distracted by the police and parties. I really want to watch movies with you... don't you know that?... That activity could atleast cover up the feeling of watching movie together with you. 

Sometimes I wonder if you do exactly know what I'm really feeling. People who are close tend to say they know one another, but they don't. Their thinkings had already been taken to a level where they are being superior of one to another. It's funny isn't it, if someone says "I know you are thinking about.........", but in actual fact the other partner doesn't even have the slight idea of what the "close" partner just mentioned. It is relatively common in people who thinks they dominated over the another. And when the true fact comes, the person will get into denial, saying the facts are lies.

So, let me ask you, just now in skype, you know I'm sad like this :< Are you sure it's like that? Or is it like this :| actually (disappointed to a level where each individual won't argue to anything). That's why I call it a night. I don't want to argue with you. I see no point, really. You'll still go to watch that movie, and you keep to your own senses that I feel is false and deny to what ever statement I'm going to say. It's not your fault, it's human nature, we follow our senses. My senses are telling me to end call you to avoid argument, so that you can enjoy your night. All this lonely man hope is for you to not always trust your senses directly, always doubt. Rene Descartes, a philosopher, mentioned "We cannot trust our senses, as they are influenced by factors." Therefore he mentioned that we have to doubt every memories we had and make sure they are correct by consulting someone we can trust before saying it out loud. 

The train movie? Be it good or bad, I won't watch the movie. Thank you. 

P.S. I honestly been thinking why most of the time you go to cinema, I always be the one here feeling sad. Is it worth it? 

5th August 2016

Hi there... It's been a while since I write here. Today you told me that your friends are celebrating your birthday. I honestly feel happy for you while having myself to be very jealous. I mean, imagine to have friends and chat around while celebrating your birthday, isn't that fun? I didn't have that for quite awhile already. I have my birthday celebrated many times in the past compared to you, I guess now it goes other way round.

This summer so far devastated my mental. From unexpected results, to unnecessary stress, to unexpected problems.... There are too many. Let me try to recall the times that made me pissed off.

1. You going out with group of guys to Malacca. From here I learned you are not the type of actually care about my feels? I kindda think you are the type to expect me to be happy when I'm not. I do understand that you have to go adventure, if not you become sad and trapped in the house. You know that going out town with bunch if guys only is what I don't like. Yet you still go without trying to convince me to be happy and make me feel like I'm in part of your trip. When I said about this 'permission' idea, straight away you think that I'm restraining you like a father, when all I want is to receive updates from your adventure and share share your day. I don't get it. Isn't this what normal couple should be doing?

2. Taking wrong classes and high expectation for myself. Took hard class in short quarter is bad (referring to philosophy). Took a bad and hard online class where I sometimes couldn't understand what the question was (not clear). Listening to music especially. How the heck are we supposed to know 'Which one sounds scary'. We have our own perspective, I hear the cello plays creepy sound, but the answer is the violin that plays it. This quarter makes me learn that no matter how hard I learn for certain subjects, as long as my skills are not good enough for that subject, I'm just a sole looser who took the poison candy. I always think of getting perfect results. If I don't I stress like hell. Every week I have to do all those weird listening exercises hoping I could get 100% , which nowadays I seem to have fail at.  I guess this is what the meaning of 'don't care about good result' supposed to mean.

3. When I thought that I won't have anymore English exams anymore, behold, IETLS. I really find this a stressing matter. Grammars/Vocab is what I hate, and I have to be tested for that. Just what? Why?

4. You going to Penang. I was so stressed until the day you said you are going with YM. Before knowing that, I already felt so much anger in me. I did mention that you have to ask this 'permission' from me but you take it like a joke. I kind of ignore it because it was out of my thoughts. Why would I even ask you to ask if you don't actually take this properly. What happened is you straight away have the trip without asking me, and when I remind you about it, you asked me if you could go. But before I answer you fully, you potong me and talk about something else, which leads you to have a roadtrip with a guy I don't know. Just wow.  I felt much better in the end of course. But you'll be staying by yourself... which I'm still quite worried about.

5. Realizing that most probably no one will care about my birthday this year. Hearing that lemon invited others for your birthday is a good news to me; however like what I mentioned up there, I'm really jealous. You asked me if it's okay to hand feed them, said it's okay, followed by telling you I'm 'skull' inside already. In the end I told you it's just a joke, but I do feel quite numb. Numb means I don't really feel much anymore. Because those things happened to far, I really felt so haih till I don't care. Honestly speaking, why are you sad when I tell you I'm dead inside?

It's a honest statement actually. Why do you have to be sad for a honest statement that I repeat myself over and over again? I don't get it really. You know I have a bad quarter and bad moments, isn't it natural for me to be very sad? Instead of you sad, why not make me happy? I've been waiting for you to actually make me happy when I say that to you.

All these numbs I think is called ignorance. Because honestly I have been very ignorance towards things these days. When you told me that you can't skype, I don't feel sad. When you have things to do that I don't really like, I just say okay and just go. Ofcourse things like going out with guys will still affect me, but if right now, most probably I'll take it as another shit of the summer and move on. Being 'dead inside' seem to make me less sad and makes you more free. So why are you not agree with that? I'm not gonna ask you this, but I'll give you hints as we go along.

For now, I'll just play nice because your birthday is soon.

Love you.

1st July 2016

Hi darl. Something just opened my mind today after we discuss about a certain topic. So it goes like this. I asked you if I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you. Instead of you going in lovely like how I always want, you said 'Maybe.' You then added on 'Fall out of love', 'Disappointed in you' and 'death'.

Talking about if I 'gone', you said that you are going to one day find someone new and then you are going to do more stuff with him than with me; which I always thought you know that I do not like to discuss about. I always then imagine you with someone else, which pisses me a lot.

I always thought our relationship is that special, where we literally can't find a perfect love anymore after that. I'd most probably find someone, but will not experience the love like ever again. Basically I do stuff just to continue my generation, not love. I believe that every thing that I got until today comes from the lord himself. I'm pretty sure that he build me life up to today. I felt so much happiness for these years that I really can tell everything is all planned by himself. Just imagine to topple very thing off, what would have become of me? Love is the problem that I always had since young, but now it seem to progress very well. If that happens to go down, don't expect me to go the same. REMEMBER, my mental state is not very strong. Everyone's significant affects me as long as I'm living; whereas my significance only affects others as long as I'm breathing. You keep mentioning that I'll forget about you someday if something were to happen. Truth to be told, that is you, not me.  You say we all the same, yes , we are MOSTLY, the same. There are things that we are not the same because of our mental properties. I can see something you can't see, and vice versa.

I REALLY always thought we are that couple that is very perfect, where if I asked you if we are going to be forever, your answer will always be 'yes', not 'maybe' or 'depends'. I HATE THOSE PERSPECTIVES. One of my motto is, "It will happen if you say 'yes', and no when you say 'no' or 'maybe'." I hate to continue this, but it's really what's in my head right now. How much of not a significant I am to you, as someone that can to be forgotten one day. It's not your fault, people always say to move on. I moved on from many thing, but never forget the feelings and passions. I can't blame you for who you are anyway.

I wrote alot because I remember that you told me if I'm gone, you'll live alone with cat. I actually took that very serious :/ I always thought our love is that strong. So much of everything that I thought you won't fall of someone else. I guess all those feelings are fake? Just a sugarcoat to this merely stereotypical relationship that can be seen everywhere?  

I really feel.... rather disappointed. Not in you, but in this world overall. How much my existent won't be seen after I'm gone. I just... always have this thought of our relationship being so clingy to each other... Until those became a fact in me.

Can you just..... be that girl who just say yes to make me feel better? I'm thousands of miles away from you, don't say some 'truths' or anything to break my picture of this relationship.... Can you just say yes to everything I say for now? You can shoot me all the truth when we meet again yea? Haih, that's the one thing I'm kindda still disappointed in you.

ONE THING, DON'T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT YOUR IMAGINARY MR A AND MR B DOING STUFF WITH YOU. I DON'T CARE IF THEY ARE IMAGINARY, DOING STUFF WITH YOU MEANS DOING STUFF WITH YOU. I still don't get it though.Why do you have to add on the conversation at that moment with 'doing more far things'.

I guess my mom was right after all, she said if one day you leave me, you'll go on like I'm forgotten.

Unlike me who won't feel the same.

Love you.

27th June 2016

Hello darl. Writing this cause I misu. Darl ish having flu, wish i could be there to jaga darl.

Me love, when you shared to your girl friends about this cute angmo guy, I began to have this one thinking. You still share guys in social media and praise them? It's not wrong, it's just I really didn't think you would still do. I know like how guys always share sexy girls around their social things, but I though after relationship, all of that has to stop? Cause like me, I don't share girls no more after I had you. I also have never seen any women that are married sharing those pictures in their social media. (Actually, one of the requirement that I have for my girl is the type that not to post random people and say they are cute or handsome)  I really don't feel right at all actually. Like it feels to say there's someone better than me. I know that in our relationship, we are free to talk about the truth. But when I actually wished you to praise me more and say something like 'he is not much la' or anything that would make me feel better than that guy, you didn't. (I actually wanted to click 'hide post' on that share, but scare if it would hide everything else you are going to share).

I'm not writing this because I very jealous or something, it's just I really expect you to be like who I am alittle. I know you love me yea? But there's some actions that if you take, you must properly face the consequences. For me, IF I ever post a sexy girl, if you complain or say something, I'll always praise you as you are better than her. I actually said "I'm not as cute as him." And instead of you telling me "you are always better", you said "you are who you are."  You really have to learn how to use 'white lie' sometimes. I think you start to share hot guys because you said your 5 guy friends always post random girls, and in which, you may have gotten influenced by them. I actually had never seen you sharing a random guy and act as those normal girls and start to call them handsome and cute. If those 5 guys really did influenced you, I really am getting vexed by them. I say that cause I don't know them, and they always do something that make me jelly and sads and much of those events where you told me to get used to them.

This is my confession actually... I actually expects you to treat me like how I treat you. I know the moments where it can make you feel abit sad, and I always try my best to remove it instead of defending it, instead of saying that it is normal to do such thing. I don't find anything 'normal' that includes making you jelly or sads. I really wish you could just understand the fact that I'm very weak hearted when far away from you, instead of telling me to get used to you all the time. I easily feel sads from small changes and stuffs you know that? If this happens when I'm next to you, I'll be just meh and bully you abit. Atleast for now.... can you just.... always praise me more, instead of telling me 'you are yourself', which automatically will make myself to hate myself more.

I'm not like who I am before, remember that. I'll be back to my old self when we start living together. Honestly though, I may not be high maintenance person in terms of cash, BUT I AM IN TERMS OF EMOTIONAL AND FEELS. Maybe that's new to you. Can't always expect me to change all the time.

Love you.

26th June 2016

Hello darl. It's been a few days since I happy happy. Today many bad stuff happened to me. For example, I got lost when trying to find Target, and also I missed many buses. But since these days we happy happy skyped, I actually feel to sadness nor anger. All I did was laugh normally and told myself better up next time, just like what I would do if you are next to me.

So then... We discussed about vaping today... You did get me right at non-containing nicotine vape. But... how are you going to try? Is there any girl friends that you know vapes? Do you accept vape by other guys? :/ I'm not very happy when that happens... Other thing is... I told you that if you do, I'll do as well. And if mine contains nicotine.... I might die darl. Also... Like I said... What if our children see? I don't want our family to be the smokey smokey type actually. Later they start to some cigaratte and waste money on those.... I really don't want our children to be like that darl.. :( Like my whole father side lineage, none of them smokes (even drinks). I just feel not happy to break that trend.... Not to mention that you REALLY DON'T suit doing these kind of things. It's really.... frustrating in a way for me to see you do such thing. I know is harmless... but it's really... not cool. Imagine I'm doing something harmless to my body, but the action itself is not cool... What would you feel?

You always say me that if you get the opportunity, then you get, eventhough I against. I don't get it darl.... Why? Why can't you just don't do it for me. Done. I always do that you know? What ever you don't like me doing, I always change without you telling me to. Do you feel is right to actually do something that I don't like you doing? Does it really not affect you? Let's say if I have a trip to Mexico and you tell me you are not happy with it because it is dangerous, I'll definitely decline the trip. Why? Is it love? Well, it's because when I know I'm doing something that the people I love not happy me doing, I would not enjoy it at all. It just hurts for me to continue doing something that would not make my people happy, eventhough I have the permission to. Even if you allow me to go for a dangerous trip, I'll decline the trip until you feel relaxed and happy about it. If you are not going to be happy, then I'll just drop the case. It's easy for me to sacrifice any thing for you. What about you? I don't doubt you or anything. I just feel so...indifferent? I really don't get why you would continue doing something even though I told you I'm not happy about it. I know you like to try new stuff... But... Is it worth my sadness? In this matter, even if I allow, I'll always be not happy inside, no matter how much you debate or discuss with me. These kind of thing is a COMPLETE FULLS STOP. Please darl... I know it doesn't harm you, but IT CAN harm me and my future dreams, as well as the view I have on you....

Well... In relationship, you should understand that sometimes you have to drop some of your bucketlist stuff and dreams for your lover in order to have a stable relationship ESPECIALLY long distance. If I'm next to you,  the chances of allowing you to vape is actually higher because I'm there with you. So darl... in the end is your choice... I'm not sure I'm being childish or what... It's just what I really wanna say you know? One thing, if you ever do and put it as a secret for yourself, I'll really hate you for that. We are together as one, if you dare to put something to separate that 'one' I'll really.... will be very disappointed in you. I trust that you don't put any secrets between us oke? And your choice to vape is depending on yourself, but please don't always expect me to go your way. I'll always follow your decision, but in these kind of matter, no.

Love you.

21st June 2016

So... you were deciding weather or not should you go to Malacca with your 5 guys friend. Honestly I really don't want you to go, since all of them are guys. In the end... I guess you can't read me. I really wished to just skype and make myself feel better. I honestly feel very sads right now. My friends are going back to China and have fun.... Whereas me, I just stuck here alone. My plan of skyping you day and night is ruined.You know that all I want now is really just attention whole day? Just 1-2 days do this with me..... But everytime we can, you busy with assignment, or the most coincidental moment of holiday which you have to go out with your friends. I'm laughing right now. Because everything goes shit.I really feel like going nowhere right now. Darl.... you know i'm still not happy with you going out with 5 guys right? Why did you just accept so quickly before planning ahead ...?  And consider about my feelings....I really am disappointed with you right now. What ever decision I gave you, you always give me the opposite answer. How amusing. Bye darl. For I'm leaving my city.

21st June 2016

Well... hello darl. Nothing much to say... Just, I'm not in that very good mood though.

These days we skyped less cause you were busy. I'm fine with that actually, but I feel darl doesn't show me much affection as before.

I'm having my 2 weeks holiday now and I've been waiting for this moment to skype you as much as we can without having to look at the clock every single minute. Did you know? When I Skyped you during school days, I always cannot put my skype on fullscreen? I do that because I  always watch the clock at my taskbar so I won't be late for class. It is not comfortable to not skype you in fullscreen you know that?  But now when we can, darl ish busy. Not your fault tho... I'm just saying cause you know how much I hate when things I planned doesn't really work out.

Today, you told me first thing in the morning that you want to relax and told me to wait another 30 min. I was like.... is it.... not relaxing for you to skype me? I really donno though. You told me that you ish lazy to go and move around? (from your room to living room) that's why you wanna relax by watching youtube in your room? You told me something like that. You know? This may sound bad, but.... I actually never wanted to skype you in the morning. Now now, don't get alll worked up ye? I have reasons behind everything. It's just.... everytime I wake up at 8 in the morning, I really wish I could just not open my tired eyes you know? It's really pain for me to wake up by my alarm and text you and check your availability. Sometimes when you don't reply fast or messages got only 1 tick, I had to quickly move my legs down the floor and walk to computer eventhough I hate it. Try one day.... no no no. A  MONTH, wake up at 8 just to skype me. You'll feel the pain. So much pain that Skyping < Sleeping. But I always have to fight my sleepy side just to see you. My one and only motivation to wake up early and being tired everyday is the hope that darl would cheer me up. But truth to be told, it's not always guaranteed that you'll always make me happy. Sometimes I'm happy, and sometimes I sads because of what you expect me to be. I can't be very talkative all the time darl... So sometimes you've gotta be the one that talks alot in the convo... Every morning I always put the bet on you making me happy, you know that? So now you know.... how to ruin my day and make me sien of skyping you in the morning. You may have the want to relax at that time, but just to tell you, every morning I have to fight that similar feelings just to see you.

Darl said tomorrow you gonna go Malacca. I was sad. You know why? I wanted to have a fun and proper Skype with you. Most of these days, you browse browse stuff while skyping me, making me speechless. Even sometimes when I talk to you, halfway you just cut me off and go do something else. That's why today you said I ish quiet. I am tired darl. I am tired in the morning, and become more tired because when I use my morning energy to wake up and set up computer, and talk to you, you don't seem to appreciate it. Right now I'm kidda saying that it's your fault, but if it is really my fault to be quiet, please tell me, I would love to settle this problem in anyway peaceful. I'm that kind of person who would let the people I love to put the blame on me, so that problem solved faster. But sometimes I do fear that one person would think that it's always my fault in the end. And I'm afraid that you'll be that person. I'm really not good in saying who's right and who's wrong you know.... especially towards the people I love. It feels bad to say they wrong... because in the end I would exaggerate it and make them feel worst. In addition to the problems we have, you don;t remember this but, I asked you "Where you know?" 3 times and you did not answer my question. You were busy with your going Malacca group.... I find it weird le... Because for me, I respect every thing someone said/typed and I would go scroll up to check if missed anything. Other reason why I learned to respect what people text me is also because I rarely get any text. I appreciate any words that are given to me. If someone give me lots of questions in separate speech bubbles or in one big speech bubble, I would read everything and make sure I answered everything. In order to ask someone a question, a trust is given. Why would you ask questions to someone who won't answer? Haih. This happened before when you told me you only answer my last question. Until now, when I want to ask you questions, I prefer to ask you one by one, which I find it sien. I mean it is easier to I ask you in one go, and you answer me in one go. That's all....

Back to what happened... Even when you chat other groups or other people, if you gonna switch convo back to me, won't you see the notification that I replied you? I don't know you, but I do see that. When I switch back from different convos, even if I want to repost something to you, I would still check what you said or ask, and reply them all before I repost or start a new topic; so that I can still read what you typed. That's what you do as well, I asked you stuff, you repost me something from other convo, and usually you ignored what I typed above and start new stuff. Haih. Maybe that's the reason why I hate to text you while you text others.


Today you told me you going Malacca and you noticed that I said something dodgy and followed by a "ttyl". You told me that I'm being secretive, but I denied. The truth is, I am not feeling happy right now. I'm not happy with everything right now. Even your half day trip to Malacca. Because of those things that are happening between us, I actually wanted to isolate myself. Oh, I said I was gonna make strawberry sauce... which ofcourse I lied. I didn't want to tell you that straight cause later you no mood. Then is all my fault again. Sometimes I felt like I'm restrained to tell you some truth about what I feel. In the end you no mood, then it's my fault.... You know what? Yes, I am tired of thing right now. So... love you lots. Nights.

9th June 2016

Hello. Just now seemed like I made you mad. I just had a tiring and haih day... All I wanted to do is to get alot of attention. Darl always play phone and stuff.... Then I acted that I sads (I was too tried to play drama) and wanted to get your reactions. I always want you to spoil me you know? Like when I very demanding, I expect you to act properly and show that you lovey. We didn't skyped this morning, that's why I ish very misu and such. Well, I always thought you understand what to do when I change my act, I guess you don't. In the end you geram me. I feel so wrong and so WTF of myself. Just wanna get you off that phone or your Facebook, but in the end I kena. Might as well I don't seek attention from anyone anymore lol. I also realized that we get into this when I act In want attention. Maybe I should not be clingy to you AT ALL. Or maybe I expected too much from you?

Or maybe I'm just a loser. Can't be a chooser.

Love you.

21st May 2016

Hello the darl. It's so long since I wrote this letter thingy to you. This quarter really busy... Quiz after quiz...Exams after exams......I no likey no more. Me wanna just give it up and place my head on your lap and pat pat me and say "good boy". Hehehe

These days I don't really feel that much of a lonely now. Don't know why. Maybe I know more people? Or is it that you don't spend much time with your friends anymore because of your exams.  I always thought because I know more people, but in a way I feel the point 'spend less time with your friend' actually is the main reason. I don't really dig much into this topic anymore, cause I really tried of this problem. Just let it flow away. 

In my Grammar class, there are these group of people that acts so similarly like me. When I look at them, it's like looking at the younger me. I can't really tell you much how they act, but just imagine a group of younger me. Ehe. I went to makan pho with them yesterday, wasn't that bad the food. Well, sad thing is that I won't be seeing them much anymore, simply because we won't be in the same class anymore. Well, I never expect a joy that last long, so I guess it's just part of me life to enjoy things temporarily. Temporary, but doesn't mean they have to go permanently. Like the darl, our time together physically was temporary last year, but after we do this, it will be permanent. Right? You think so? ehehe.

Forgot to put this at the beginning. This letter doesn't contain any naughty stuff likey the previous one. I know it's sad, but no can do... cause I have no sexual story right now. ehe. 

Right now if you remember, you are in Kuching with your family. To be precise, you are sleeping as I'm typing these. You just went to the old dun and watch some performances for 4 hours. I didn't ask if you enjoyed it though. Most probably you are, ehe.

By the time you receive this letter, most probably it's already past half year anniversary of being together without physical contact. YAYYYY we made it quite far!!! Hehehehe. I ish happy. You happy? If you ish happy for the fact that we survived for more than half a year together without physical contact, draw your happiness here:

You have to show me what ever you draw. This drawing can be 'a pass' if you meet the criteria: 

-colored

-got love

-more love

-something cute

-draw yourself in it.

-what does that picture mean to you.

Hehehe. I look forward to your drawing ;)

Let's see... what is there for me to write about....

Darl, since half year already, let's talk about something that we don't feel... quite right about each other? (the matter must still exist)

I don't have much though, we get high doing stuff together, we love each other, we do this and that, we even plan for sex. Hehe. I guess.... maybe....gimmie 4 min. 

5 min later. There's one thing that popped in my head. ... So I guess, 

WARNING: IF THE DARL IS NOT IN THE MOOD TO LISTEN TO COMPLAINS, OR TOO TIRED TO PROCESS THINGS, IT'S RECOMMENDED NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER AND SAFE IT FOR NEXT TIME READ.

Sound like a heavy warning. XD Hahaha. I really don't like using blog to make emojis like XD. The serif font add edges to the emojis, make it look so.... formal? Hahahaha. Like :D the mouth.... honesly it looks better with edges for that emoji, it emphasizes the smile XD Not 'XD' though, the edges in the 'X' looks so weird. Hahaha.  So... let's get started.

As you see, I'm rather a sensitive person who feel like, whatever you have, I have the permission to it (except religious stuff ofcourse) ,vise versa. Sometimes if you don't allow me to have access to it even until future, I would consider myself not loved enough by you. I remember that time when I asked you if I can follow your tumblr? You said tumblr not 'meant' to have anyone to follow you? That is one thing that causes gap up between me and you. We kindda argued or discussed about it, but I don't really want to discuss it further cause the more the reason, the deeper you stab me with that knife. I... simply... don't care if the 'trend' of tumblr is to not have someone follow you? the fact that you put me into that 'trend' feels like as if you just close the door on me. We always talk about something deep, but if this is not resolved, why bother go so far? I've been trying to see how you see, so I can understand you and let go of the matter. But this thing simply.... don't get me anywhere. I'm that type of a person who lets his lover have the access to everything because that's how I show my love, and I want to be treated the same. Do you think I'm that person who easily let someone access his things? Well, you decide based on this fact, 'Even before I feel uncomfortable with Sheldon, I actually don't like him touching my phone, same goes to Jordan and James.' 

Usually when I type these things, I would end up with a nice conclusion of how I finally understand one other's perspective, but for this matter with you, it's still a dead end. Why though? I really have no idea why, not even the slightest. I assume this as one of the new thing that I never see in life. Let me try to see how you see, based on this tumblr problem.

1) Naughty posts? 

- We've been to naughty... So I think if I see that on your site... It it the same feeling as seeing you posting cat posts? Simply because it doesn't affect me no more.

2) Privacy?

-You have the other tumblr page where you post about your feelings. I was referring  to the one with your 'repost' tumblr only. I understand that the other one is more secret ( and you tell me we gonna access it one day together), so I let that go. Kindda like, as long as you say I can access or follow or anything in future with a privacy reason, I just let it go and wait. 

3) You just want to keep it with 0 followers?

- This one may be the reason? Do you have followers there tho? I don't know. Even so, am I like 'others' that I'm still not qualified for this? I can't tell. IF I have a blog or tumblr account full of something I like, and may contain a few NSFW....Of course I DO NOT want anyone to follow it. BUT in the case of you, I don't get why I would reject you to follow me. It just doesn't make any sense when I reject you out of it. 

4) Trend of not letting anyone you know to follow you? 

- Let me imagine if my deviantart have such a trend... I have few followers but no one I know. I have the account for years, making me used to it (of not having anyone I know to follow). I honestly feel that it will be weird if my friends beg me to follow. I would tell them over and over again 'No'. But for you, I just can't find the reason for me to say no. Because you my lover, you have the access to anything (not my blog tho). The blog is special case, because I want you read it with you in future. As I recall, you didn't mention anything about... letting me follow your tumblr anytime in future. All I remember is 'no'.

I really can't find it darl, for that one particular issue. I really can't see it. I can't see how I won't let you access anything of me. The one and most obvious reason out is 'not enough love'. But I don't really think that's the problem at all. There's is just something you need to shed light upon for me to understand you. Explain to me nicely, I'll listen and try my best to understand you in anyway. You are one special and naisu girl, some things you really need to explain to me okay? 

This thing came out because I was thinking about you bear doll. Just recently I joked that I if he is your 'daughter'.... erh?... erh?....erh?.... you said... that doll is he.... but you call him your daughter?.... I'm pretty sure I did not hear wrong.... so.. is it guy a girl?... Half also can la. haha.

So I joked around and say that if he/she is your daughter, means it is also mine. Then you strictly replied, no. Because he/she is yours and not shared to me at all. Well, one thing first, I don't have any intention to take over your doll in any angle. You said you gonna murder me if I take it from you. The way you pronounce your 'murder' sounds... cold? I don't know, maybe my life is not as important as your doll? Hahaha. It sounds like as if I can just to hell with it than I can even hug or touch the doll. Maybe my death is not much compare to that? Who knows? You always surprise me a lot anyway. I'm not here to argue if I can have the doll la, it's just your reply for that, sounds like, as if our relationship is temporary in the case with your doll. Maybe it's just morning that why I sensitive? I'm fully awake right now and still think about your replies. What you said doesn't sound like play play, doesn't sound normal basically. Which in a way... I'm.. kindda scared? You'll tell me it's nothing... but I can actually relate your behavioral change to something... supernatural? I may sound off... but when you said something about 'aura', I kind of... not wanting to play or joke around anymore? I notice your behavior changes suddenly from that... like... I don't know.....

Let's out the 'supernatural' thing away. Well.. when you say you gonna murder me if I hug it or take it away ( my take it away mean just hug it infront of you, not running away with a car), sounds like.... you really did creep me out. Honestly speaking, I do not like the word murder to be joked around us. I really feel like, in just that instance, our tonnes of happy memory got dissolved just by one small act. That's human ofcourse...Just one misunderstood, all the happy memories are in danger. But one happy memory would not dissolve all the other sad memories. Imagine our plans of the future, the happy happy plans, like going around the world, live together and stuff, got corroded by that one matter..... I'm trying to detect if I'm overthinking. But if I overthink, I do give out some symptoms. Most likely is fear and the wants to discuss it badly. I'm in none, I'm really calm, but just... felt weird.

Talk about your doll only, I just thought that if you would share that with me, it means to me that you really have your childhood accepted me. Some lovers, they are happy couples, but either one or both conceals their childhood, for their childself do not accept the other person yet, or may never. If you would share the doll with me, I would feel... like your younger self would accept me? It would really make me happy you know that? I'm not sure if you understand about this childhood thing. If it doesn't, think about it further, want to discuss about it? We can discuss about it right after you read this. I give example, if I don't accept you to my childhood, I will tell you that I'll never want to show you my hometown. Just like that. My present self accepted you, what about the past? 

You might wonder why is this important to me tho? Why do I want you to give me the access to everything? Simple, my goal in relationship is to love one another COMPLETELY. When I say completely, means everything. I want to prove myself that perfect relationship does exist, and it is now up to you to prove it to me. If you want me to have my life ended one day with no such believe, that's fine by me, but happy or not, the answer is obvious. Why I search for such relationship tho? What benefit would it bring to us? Well, one thing, we can cross out 'being uncomfortable in any way' out of the problems that every married or not married couples always face. Many couples always feel like, 'oh I can't show this to him, I can't let him know this, I cant' blah blah blah'. I want to eradicate that problem from us. I want us to get comfortable in everything. You many not ever experience this because, firstly, I'm your first and will be the final guy you'll be with in your life, and lastly, I actually let you access a lot of things almost immediately because I don't want you to feel sad and uncomfortable with me. 

So about that tumblr and doll thing, I honestly still feel incomplete with you. Until then, I'll just keep this matter in my closed case. I'll open it when the time is right. Darl, sometimes I don't feel fair because it's hard for me to say no to you, but it is easy for you to say no to me. You asked me before, 'Why am I not tired of you?'. Sometimes.... I really am. Like sometimes how you treat me differently ( in a way I don't really like) when I gave you the obvious signs that I want you to treat me like how I treat you? I always give you many signs that I want you to treat me the same as how I treat you in some things. Like accessibility, I always give you sign that I let you have access anything of me, and I would like you to do the same, but instead you didn't. I'm not referring to private parts because one day in far future, it's something that we will definitely do. I'm only referring to your doll and your tumblr for now. I guess until the day you say 'You can', I'll finally be able to feel more at ease. 98.9% at ease is not 100% for me. I want to strive for 'perfect'. 

So darl. That's all to it now. I'm going back to sleep. Darl, what I really want to tell you is that... I want you to give me ways so I can access everything of you, instead of 'murder', 'no' and 'reason of no and no, without telling me any possible way to overcome it.' It's really, in a way for other couples as nothing, but in our relationship, I'm still going to make a stand for myself. Whether you like it or not... it's really my policy to make everything perfect between us. And so far we have been doing good, and I wish to make it even better for both of us. There's a saying, 'Something may require scars, to make a better future.' Simply means, even though we don't like to do it, we still have to do it IF we want to archive something better.  

So, love you lots darl. Please give me your opinion nicely to me darl. Don't scold me okay? Don't say bad about me okay? Please don't say my remark is childish... you other approach if you think it is, because saying my remark is childish makes me a person who is scared to give opinions. :( These are my opinions (some facts) about us....No marah ye? Ehe. As you can see the obvious mark here, it shows that I'm really scared of you after giving my opinions.... I actually always do this to you, so.... I don't know if you already know it or not. We discuss it nicely ye? So that we can avoid biased remarks.. Love you lots. Be safe me love. Stay healthy. Byee~

 Below are actually some thing I always want to archive long ago when we still new in relationship. Please cross out the one that you already let me in.  

1) I have the access to your full body.

2) I can sleep with you.

3) I can have the access to your room (your permission)

4) I have access to any of your tumblr or blog.

5) Whatever you make, crochet or sewing or anything like that. I want a copy for myself. 

6) I can hug Charlie.

________________________________                                 ________________________________

The darl ish sign here if he still loves darl alot.          The darl ish sign here ONLY if all the above is                                                                                        crossed, and also loved the darl.

11th April 2016 (5 min after previous post)

Darl. you told me that you are going to climb hill and view the sunrise.... and you didn't tell me prior time because you forgot.... I really hate it when you suddenly go out for trip like that you know?..

Not hate in bad way... just... ask me permission please.. make me feel that I'm in that trip as well... So that I can feel like you tagged me along in a way. Haih. I know you didn't know any about this, but I'll definitely tell you soon. I just felt if you just do that, I won't like any picture that you are going to gimmie. That's just who I am. I just.... want in a way tag me along with you. You just told me the day before going whereas you planned it for a week already. This time I really feel very detached from your trip. I guess... Don't expect me to be very happy about this matter.

I actually thought I were the type to ask permission just to make me feel in part with you....

I'm not that type to randomly inviting myself.

I know that I ish very cham person... but... haih

I know you feel like... why should you even do that? Asking permission and stuff? Why can't I just feel like always invited by you?

I'm not that simple darl.... Sorry. Guys are actually complicated, but we don't make matter bizarre.

By doing so... I can really feel that journey with you.

Love you.

11th April 2016

Hello darl. Well.. Shocking news that you scored zero for you midterm... I studied very hard and I knew it that. I hate the teacher for giving you minor topics :( But I guess the lecturers decide students' fate...

I know darl going to be very busy studying for finals. Sokay, I got the reasons so I'll just let it be if we couldn't chat alot. I'm happy that everyone even your lecturer still supports you. Like how everyone believe you can do your finals well. I believe in you too, I 100% believe in you that you can pass the exam with good mark :)  I'll try not to be a burden and treat you nicely.

Sometimes, eventhough you are stressed, please don't reply me coldly. I know I did that to you before, but not that I notice I have been like that I'll try to be better. So darl, just give me little motivational words and I'll be fine. If you reply me coldly in the morning, you'll kill my day. Just say nice things with hearts, I'll be extremely happy already.

Well.. You have been clingy with me for awhile now and I truly enjoy those moments. But I guess that will have to be put aside for now until your exam.... Promise that you'll be like this again after finals, then I'll feel in peace. Sometimes I do fear the moment where you... didn't get very clingy on me until you really lost feelings.... These days you really like full of feel on me, which I'm extremely happy about. So... Please don't lose it yea?

I support you in anyway.

Love, The Darl.

2nd April 2016

Hello my love!!! Happy 1 year 4 month anniversary~~ Hehe.

It's not been 4 months since we last physically contact each other. It is on the 10th of December that it was the last time we physically hold each other.... 8 more days then XD Basically it's 3 months 22 days? I feel like dying already right now... Dying to have you next to me right now. Really miss you right now. You know like how I said every anniversary we have to discuss about what we don't like about one another and fix it? So.... I'll try to go along with problems I have and... hopefully you tell me about mine also? And most important.... we can do something about it instead of just getting sien of it and push it aside for another time. Hahahaha.

We have come quite a long way, but there's still a long journey ahead of us that we have to face before meeting again. But I'm sure if both of us stay strong, we can go through it. I don't like to say that I'm strong at all. Look at me. So mentally damaged already... I'm still level 1 in living here, whereas darl is level 25 in Kajang. Sometimes I wonder how can I improve myself from not being so clingy on you. It's hard to control myself. I'm that type to either care about someone, or not. It's hard for me to be in between or 75% care and  25% not. I have been like this for many ages, changing it would take more than myself to do. It's even harder for me to not be very clingy on you. I love you a lot, that's my only reason. But that one reason is more than enough for me to give my ultimate care. Of course... you don't really need my care as much as I do. Looky you, so independent. Me le? Need you all the time, if not I become sads and no motivation. Remember the saying that 'Guys get motivated when they feel needed'? That is very true you know? Remember that day when you were so sweet in skype? I felt so motivated the whole day. Why can't you be like that every time we skype??? Huhuhu. Sometimes you were very cold you know? :( I don't likey when you are cold with me... It's really demotivating my day... Darl expects me to be happy here, but if there is no good motivation in the morning, how? Darl told me that some days you'll be cold and some days sweet. That makes me wonder. Why not sweet everyday so I can be very happy everyday? I find it very funny when darl told me that. Because my type of person is like... if I know there's a way to make you happy, I'll do my best in it. I'm not going to wait for the day I my mood sweet sweet baru I be sweet with you. I'll try to remove all my no moods and replace them to sweet sweet if that can make darl happy. I always want to be happy everytime I skype you so you can sleep well. Hehe. But of course there are days when we are quite 'bend' so it wasn't really a pleasant skype. So darl, just a request from me, can you be more sweet with me? Please control your 'cold' sometimes yea(especially in my morning XD )? I'm much more fragile here than in back in Kuching, so any cold replies actually can ruin my day. Please think about texting me something sweet yea? If it is not necessary to be cold... please don't. Some times I just want to show you that I care, but you replied my coldly. I don't know if I ever coldly texted you these past months without a cause.... but if I do, you should tell me. DON'T let me be the guy you don't likey. Sometimes I wonder, is it because I don't get enough attention in the morning that's why the whole day I always miss you badly and became very clingy? Let's try be sweet sweet most of the time? See if it can help. Hehe. So, all in all,  please be sweet for my morning? Be clingy with me, show me that you need me, it will really fuel up my day. :)  (Hopefully you won't take this as a childish request... I really mean it *Kisu* )


Hmm... by the Valentine letter reached you in 2 months... So basically this letter should reach you around 6th months anniversary. Yayyyy 1.5 years anniversary XD But that still mean we just go through 1/8 of 4 years T___T HUHUHU But who cares, I'm just going to imagine that moment when we reunited. Will be lovely. Hehe. I wonder what we gonna do ho? I hold hand sure high and....yeah... already XD So please take it slow or I die inside.

Last night we watched Gravity Falls if you remember. The last special episode and final episode. I rate it 10/10 :) Actually that part where Uncle Stan was shot with the memory gun to eliminate Bill, I was kind of expecting that Uncles Stan would lost his memory permanently. It would mean sadder ending, but I thought it would be better that the writer would put some hints on the ending that Uncle Stan actually remembers a few things, which would makes us the watcher to decide whether or not he actually completely lost his memories. I mean, I still accept that ending, maybe the original ending is still better for you la. Haha. I really love to see how Uncle Stan and his brother in the end goes adventure together like what they dream of when they were still kids. Feels to 100% when it reaches the ending. One ticket to Feeladelphia please. If darl got any cartoon or shows that is both funny and feel like that, please share me? We watch together :)

You know.... Last night we supposed to... do that after watching? But you had to sleep cause need to print and pass up uni work... also cause your sister is there... :( I actually feel quite sad cause our plan didn't go finish. I ish the type to always want to follow the schedule, so was kindda weird that we didn't do what was planned. Honestly... I was also.... maybe..... sexually frustrated? XD If a guy had a plan to do something sexy with their love one, and if it doesn't go well, the guys can get very sexually frustrated. Haha. I don't know for girls la.... But for guys yes. Ehe. Wasn't anyone's fault last night, so I kind of let it go. I hope we do it soon ;) I love to see you.... do that... Ehe..


I really really really miss miss miss you right now me love..... Like... very miss. I wonder if there's a word that is can express my miss level towards you. I misser you? XD hahahahaha. Darl, to think about it, I'm not doubting la, but I wonder if there is a time when I say 'I miss you' to you but.... you either ignore it or it just goes in you head and doesn't react to it anymore? I say that cause I feel like.... I scare that I kept on saying it to you until you feel like it means nothing already. I can't really remember the name of that effect when you keep on repeating the same word or sentence in your head until that word/sentence just doesn't make any sense to you anymore. I fear of that you know? When I say that I miss you, I always mean it. How could I lie from the situation I have right now? I really miss you all the time, until I see you again hehe.

By the time darl receives this letter.... Darl already back to uni from vacation week. I hope darl will enjoy the weeks of vacation in Kuching. Darl told me darl gonna go puri/permai/damai with friends? Darl must replay all those memories of me there when we were together  ok? MUST! Ehe. Darl, to think about it.... This morning you told me you planned going to Perak or Kedah with your sis, Kent, Jia Ying and someone else? I was... shocked when you told me straight that you are going to places. Plus it was planned like... a week ago and I just know now? :( That reminds me of some occasions that you plan to go with friends outside town, but you told me only when I asked what you were texting with your friends. First thing first, don't get the wrong yea? It's not about you going out....It's more a like... I just... Or always... Expects darl to kind of ask me permission first? I definitely let you out one, it's just.... I don't really like when darl just go adventure without asking me permission... I somehow felt very left out in a way. I mean I'm already left out in terms of not physically following.... It's just I always imagine people in relationship always ask each other permission to go out somewhere special, basically it's something that couples always do? If it is something to do with work or a compulsory uni trip or going back Kuching, I don't mind if you go without asking me. But just... when with friends?... I really prefer darl to ask me permission. It really will make me feel happy with that one question you know? I asked myself why? Why do I need you to ask me permission before you go? Maybe since I can't follow you adventure physically, in a way asking for my permission is equivalent to you inviting me in to your adventure mentally? I honestly feel like, even though you are going to take pictures for me, I might feel sad instead of happy when looking at the pictures. I suppose to be happy to see you adventure, but I sad cause I felt very left out. Can we try that darl? I really want to be the guy that smiles when he sees his lover having fun adventuring. Maybe from there I won't feel very sads and jelly whenever you go out adventuring with your friends. Also, if you ask for my permission, at least... I feel like you do care about how I feel having you in that trip. I don't really know the word to describe that feels.It's just that feels when you care about my feelings in some things. Not only talking about vacation with friends, but others as well... Maybe any outdoor events? I won't say no to whatever you want to attend, unless it requires you to do something obscene or any thing is inappropriate, which I know you won't join. You can ask me in a way like 'Can I go?' or 'Should I go?.' But usually when you asked me 'Should I go', mostly the final decision is whatever the opposite of what I suggest  :| So.... I'll stick to 'Can I go?'. Just a question can make me happy me love. Remember that I have learnt to think about how you would feel in the decisions I make?  So... don't worry about my answer, I always support the darl. I guess, another request if that's fine? Ask for my permission in trips or outdoor events please? So I can really feel both love and adventure connection between us :)

What a long letter... There are some thing that are still 'bend' from us. For example when you told me that you feel kindda 'don't care' about my problem here? I feel... very... not sad, but sick when I heard you said that. It's really depressing.... I mean... It's like you gave up hope in me. No matter what problems we have.. I won't give up or ignore. I hate that attitude when I start to ignore our problems, thinking that it is a dead end. If there is nothing can be done... I guess it's just left with patience, instead of ignoring or giving it up. I know you have been patient for awhile already. Haih. I'm quite serious about this matter cause this problem can slowly damage our relationship over time.... Right now I just train myself to be more.... calm and positive? Whenever I'm in tight condition, I remember that the lord always push our limits in order for us to learn something or to be even better in it. From there, I can feel better for myself and slowly I can see myself improve. So darl... sorry to make you feel sads because of me some times. Just.... please don't give up hope on me.. I'll try my best even more. I'll push my limits.

Right now darl ish resting. Darl playing ipad and left our whatsapp conversation. I said that I miss you alotttttttttttt.... sooooooo whyyy darlll stilll wannttt tooo leaveee emeeeeee HUHUHUHU. It's a sign that I need you rightt nowwww..... But I guess since you want to study and also you no mood from the haircut that you had.... I guess you do need some time alone for now. Please cheer up okay? It's not that bad. Still love you lots.

Darl. I have been writing for hours now. Imma gonna end this letter. So.... Love you lots :) Happy 4th months anniversary. Yayyyyyyyyy celebrationnnnnn :))))))) Loveeee darl alott. Very ish in love with the darl. Please don't get mad at me for asking many requests... :( It's just how I think can help me feel better, which in the end you'll definitely get less stressful times with me. I really wanna do stuff to the darl badly. Still sexually frustrated cause we didn't get to do it last night.... I actually keep on telling you that I wanna see you is because... I want to do that...the thing we supposed to do last night... But see you no mood and stuff.... Maybe I'll just go watch some vids and do it myself tomorrow.. Or now? Hehehe. Kisu. Love love. See you soon my love~




The Darl Signs here to give love. (´ ,,•ω•,,)っ⌒♡          (´,,•ω•,,)♡The Darl signs here to receive love.




____________________________________                   ___________________________________









This letter can be turned into a one time contract of the darl can do anything to the darl for one day if the above is signed by both the darl only.

31st March 2016

Just few hours ago I updated this blog... Funny that I came here again. I must be truly desperate to write right now.

Nothing much.... Just I felt... sad you know that? Like this sadness....I feel like ending everything. Not death. More a like, cut all connection and go to space and explore the interstellar by myself. You read that right.... just... myself.. sorry. I always feel very needy of you, but you hardly are... which makes me an idiot. 

Idiotic is me. Long since I was still small till now, never my idiotic self evaporates over time. I guess I never can...

I saw your pictures from photobooth..... saying you are happy with your friends.... and happy with your year... I honestly feel like... sads when I saw that picture... Looking at how different we are. I really don't want to live anymore. Usually when I see your smiling pictures, I'd like it. But this one.... Sorry... I didn't put a like and... I skip that pic without looking close at your face. Your captions is enough to make me go. I really feel jealous. That's why........

You said you are friendly. I'm friendly too, but none cares. Why? When I asked you' Maybe I'm too dumb or something' through whatsapp, you replied 'idk'. 'IDK'? Is that really your answer at this moment? Since we couldn't skype, I actually wanted you to support me, not by facts and tell me you don't know. I just seek attention so I could think straight.... I thought we always do that? When you sad, I always support you even though I didn't know much about the problem, so that you can get mental support from me.... But today you didn't. You gave me facts that doesn't make me feel better. I know the facts and I want to get away from there awhile and get on to a dream where I can just think about you to make me mentally better..... It's useless isn't it? Like you said 4 years, I'll let you do what ever you think is right, hurts me or not, I can't do anything but accept. Right now, I honestly feel like I'm 100% alone. You might think it's okay, but it's not. Means I can't imagine you to sleep right now. If this happens more, who knows I won't be able to imagine you anymore? 

Maybe I'm just expecting too much? Who knows? I'm extremely mad with your friends inviting you to cc and makes you fatigue. I don't care right now if they didn't know it could happen, it's their fault. I honestly hate people who makes someone skip class. I'm strict in skipping class. I do not tolerate the people I love skipping class because of something. 

Why am I like this? Firstly, I'm jealous till max. Secondly they take you to do something that I can't imagine you doing and lastly, caused you to skip class. 

HAIH!

If you read this right now, most probably you'll tell me 'What to do?' I hate that question from you. You tell me that? You know that you hold the pencil to my script of happiness? Are you going to let this go on normally? Or are you gonna change the story a little? 

honestly...I;m happy you have friends... I'm just jealous... I'm sorry...I'.m.... really sorry... I really feel like crying right now. Soryrryy you have to date someone like me....

loveyou..

30th March 2016

Today.... You went to cyber cafe and play cs. You had that 'syndrome' that people might get when they play cs in cyber cafe. One can play well in cyber cafe if they are used to it though.

When I heard you gonna play, my heart drops down till I get so.... pissed off? I... honestly do not like girls who go cyber cafe play games. It's not hate... more a like... not a preferred girl. Like, I went to cyber cafe many times before and I noticed that I get to addicted to it, spending hundreds to go and play with friends. I feel very.... so into it? Money spend.... that money can be used to buy wifi service and good online games. Therefore I hate it when someone I love goes to a cyber cafe.

I also.... do not like... it when you play these games cause....it's... just not you. You are not that girl who plays this kind of games.... What if you are into it? I just can't imagine you know? When you do something that doesn't suit you, I tend to lost that relationship connection, because in a way I feel like I'm dating someone new. If we are next to each other physically, I don't mind, cause I can be there with you and learn together. Right now, I'm far as hell. Technically if hell is in the bottom of the earth, whereas I'm on the other other side of the world.... means I'm further than hell itself. I can't grow with you easily like this you know that? I really can't.... I'm not strong at all. I accept changes here, but not between us. You said that we are separated for 4 years and that you are going to do alot of stuff without me. I'm fine with that.... just... please... not something that doesn't suit you. My mind just doesn't add up when that happens. I was playing CS just now when you told me you were going to play CS in Cyber Cafe. I got so pissed, my death increases much more than my kill (which is bad). When you do something that doesn't suit you, it's like you change to someone that I don't prefer to date.... You can tell me that I'm not thinking far, but as I understand people in depth,I noticed that there are just things that we have to follow in order to be with them, because YOU really do not want to change that part of them. I can tell you more about this when you read this. But it's up to you of course.  There are of course some things that I just have to accept from you which I wish not change. It's not something that is pleasant, yet I can't change, but I'm okay with that. Isn't that something that people should acknowledge in relationship? You date a person that you feel you can fit in the most(in a way that you feel more happier than sadder if you were to date that person). Of course that one person is not perfect to begin with, no matter who you date, there's always problem in there(mostly are minor problems). And if you notice, we actually adapt those problems. I can give you example, your hate of hearing chewing sound. I personally do not find that a heavy problem for me. But sometimes you went to extreme for that, like when i was chewing my bar when we skyped, you told me you are going to mute your skype. I find it disrespectful for anyone to mute me, because..... why not just off? Don't bother skyping me, but ofcourse I couldn't do that. I have to adapt to that problem of yours and chew with mouth closed. I'm pretty sure that you won't be able to change that, because it is more a like your nature, and I can't do anything about it except to just accept it and change myself. I have problems that I can't change and you just have to adapt. For example is my acceptance to your change. I don't mind you do new stuff, just don't do something that won't benefit you and...... doesn't suit you. I personally find cyber Cafe like a gambling place, go there waste money. I know you hate casinos. I actually was invited to gamble here, but I know you hate it, so I didn't go for it. I feel that it's wrong to do something you don't like me doing.

I honestly do not have strong mental here so.... please... for me... please don't do weird stuff until we get together again k? I know it's 4 years.... but please... do your best so I won't have my mental deteriorate even more....Love you.

11th March 2016

Entery 11th March 2016.

Its been awhile since i update my blog. The last time could have been many months ago. Or could it be a few days ago. Who cares?

Being alone may have been what i have to go through eversince i set foot here in the US. All i can tell is that, i always have bad luck in making and having friends here. I tried to blend in, but it doesn't seem to work properly here. I wonder where i went wrong. I applied in for International Assistant, with reasons of being alone here and they reject me with bullsgit saying 'thank you of applying.... we appreciate.....' Fuck your gentelness people. We do not appricate when we got rejected, don't say that you are happy to meet us, and other bullshits you all says. Other want to have opportunities you all said? Dont fucking bullshit me, i need this to make friends fools. Your college is really is a fucked up place to make friends you know that? Luckly i wasn't as unstable as before, i might do something i might regret definitely if this happened during my unstable time. In this college, i only have one friend... i guess i can say... had in few more weeks... she is the nicest person i have here in the college, i find her the best out of all in friend making. She even agrees on this college being not friendly and bad at judgements in many different ways. She smiles all the time whenever i talk to her, which is makes me confrotable most of the time. But guess what, she's leaving soon. Wont see her for awhile, might be even a long time... or will never be. Fate holds our friendship, i'll just let that go, let the wind blow us without direction, will we oneday meet again? We never know. But i thanked het for being such a nice person with me, i really wished i could know her even more and be even closer as friends. I guess all in all, nothing can be done much with little time.

Im mostly alone here. People always asked me,' you have your girlfriend'. I have. I still have. But she isn't reliable sometimes. When i want to chat her, usually she's busy with her work.... as well sometimes with playing games with her friends... I usually send out signs that i really need her when she's not busy doing her work or rather busy playing games with her friends when i'm really lonely. I could say most of the time she doesnt get my message at all. I do sometime feel ma girl prefers being with her friends that being with me. I know that aint true. But im overly sensitive you know when im all lonely. Still though, if she needs me when im not busy doing school work, i'll get on to her. Name it, games, sports, music and all other things i can do, i'll always prioritize ma girl over them. I dont know how she thinks but, ofcourse what just happened i do predict that she doesn't know when i really need her. What happened was that she was busy playing games with her friends when i texted her, she kindda read my message and went offline, i hate the word, but it can mean she ignored. When i told her that she went offline, she just send me a kiss emoji,thats all, and i honetly feel that doesn't make any fucking sense. So i had to tell her an embedded message if she does notice that i really miss her and needa talk to her, apparently she doesnt get it and said sorry that she is busy playing games. I just raged of ma chat and said imma sleep. Ofcouse thats a bullshit i told her, what im doing now o the prove that i aint sleeping. Im getting all fed up with these problems. If im all lonely, i couldnt imagine her at all, which means my connection to her is damaged. And when i really need her, which is just right few minustes ago, i actually want to fix the damages i feel. I thought i told her hat already, and i thought she's smart to know these, man, i many need to rethink twice.

You know what dawg? Fuck this shit. I might as well be 100% independent and need no contact any shit to make my shit feel better. Im out.

21st February 2016

Hey love.... How are you doing? I feel.... lonely in many ways.

Darling. Last night you went to last day of school orientation. I was so shocked that you went meeting your friends without me getting informed. You told me that informed me the day before, but that doesn't seem to click in my head. I was kindda sads that I tried to text you about whats going on, but you didn't reply me for hours later. In this moment I really feel... drifted away from you? Like, I don't know where you are, I don't know what you doing, it just really hurts me to not knowing what you doing. 

I send in vows to you, expecting you to reply around my sleeping time, but you only told me what you were doing. You told me that you only read the last sentence. Then what's the point of the rest that I typed? ;( This actually doesn't happened once, but many times everysince I met you. When every I gave you lots of questions or minor questions that I expect you to answer, you only answer what's at the last. It really hurts me when you do that. Maybe I should make a list of things I don't likey to happen.

1) Ignored my messages/read only last message

2) Completely forgot vows 

3) Didn't want to promise me things you feel like you can't hold

4) When I chat you trough skype and suddenly you look away and talk to someone.

I really hate it as well when you are out with our friends and you forget about me. That reason alone can shed me into tears. Making myself hating your friends and wished that your friends would go away. I'm just too selfish in that. But of course I don't want you to be alone there, or else you'll be sad. 

So then after that 2 messages, I asked for vows. You didn't reply. Until 5 am in morning here then you replied. Lucky I slept, if not I'll be waiting for you :( We have been doing this many times already, so please, this is not something we can forget yea? Sometimes I think about things in your point of view to accept what happened, but this time.... maybe because I'm lacked of friends here so I can't feel like how you feel. Imagine my life here, no friends, no go out makan, no go out karaoke, no go out sporting with friends....... I REALLY ONLY HAVE YOU , you know that you are really the only reason why I can still stand up and walk? If you just left me like that, it's just like you were helping a blind man walking, and suddenly you left him alone. That's what I felt last night which causes me to assume that I have nobody, from there then I can sleep.... When something like this happens, I can't imagine being with you on bed. It's like, if something causes us to drift apart by just alittle, I straight away feel that I don't deserve to imagine you. Which.... is bad..

Darling. You didn't wanna pinky promise me. Why? Scare you can't keep promise? Scare that I would hate you? What is there to be afraid of? I might put it aside if it is religious problem though, so please tell me tomorrow okay? Darl, is it that.... it is because you scare you broke promise and then I get mad? I tell you something, I don't. If you break this promise, I will still forgive you in future. My idea about promising is more like.... so you can be more aware of things? So that you are more alert to things you didn't do correctly? All is done so that you'd remember to avoid the problem. If you couldn't make promises like this to me, you'll definitely make me very sad. We are together forever right? A simple promise is what every forever couples do, please keep that in mind. But of course you still expect me to feel sad if you break the promise. Either way, think about it, if you don't make promise, I sad. If you make promise and breaks it, I also sad. If you promise and decide to change alittle in this problem, I'm super happy. I want to learn things little by little, even if I promise you now, I actually still expects you to break it one day, because I know you are a forgetful person and the fact that everybody makes mistakes. But ofcourse I'll be even happier if you keep the promise very long. You have the choice.

Darling,one thing I dislike is that, I don't like it when I talk to you in skype about some matter I feel serious, suddenly you broke it up without telling me to pause or anything, just suddenly talk to someone else or doing your phone. I honestly find that.... rude? Eventhough we are doing online calls, I still wish that keep the ethics of normal face to face conversation. If you need to talk with someone, tell me stop first, don't let me continue talk when you talking to someone else.

Sometimes you I might be asking you the same questions over and over again. Why? Because sometimes that answer can make me feel happy, or make me feel more assured. I know it is annoying, but it is up to you if you want to make me happy or rest assured. I don't like asking same questions twice, but when I do, that means I'm serious. If you don't I'll be sad, if you just say 'yes', I'll be very happy. That is when I'm seeking for attention though. If I'm in serious condition, I really really need you to listen to what I'm saying and just say 'yes', don't nod, me, say 'yes'. Just a simple word can make me feel better, my love. If you decide to keep quiet and expects yourself to answer the same question twice, well, more a like, you want me feel better, or not? Of course, the answer is in yourself. 

Lastly..... I think about something very... sekia problem? I don't know la, but sometimes I do drag you to sleep late. Why I do this? I know that I shouldn't drag your sleeping time, but when I do, What does that mean? It actually means that I want you to make me feel better before I leave you. Remember about my EMERGENCY rule? When you don't feel enough talking to me and desperately need to talk to me, just tell me that it's emergency, I'll understand, and I'll calmly chat with you longer until you feel better. Why I do this? It's because I never like leaving my darling in a bad condition, and I know it can lead to bad depressions which can damage our relationship.  It's similar to the scene of why do I cook a meal longer than expected? Cause if it not cooked enough, I can get bad tummy ache later. I love to prevent any future problems so I wouldn't regret. So, what I'm trying to say is, sometimes I expects you to do the same as what I do to you. But.... you hardly seem to leave me in better condition before you sleep? I don't know... If I were you though, I wouldn't be able to sleep. Sometimes I'm just way too childish... Please forgive me.

All in all. I know that you are still my perfect girl. No one can beat you in being my best girl. I love you always. Remember that we are in the chapter of 'The challenges,' so problems like this are all already expected to occur. My good self is happy that you didn't get my life scenario here where I don't have close friends and stuff. I actually wouldn't mind to take the sad role. Because if you were me.... I definitely know that you can't stand it, and your mental state may start to deteriorate slightly which can damage our relationship. How I know it can damage our relationship? Because I can feel it. If we completely switch roles, like you get tumi role and I get the joan role.Let's play the role now. Currently you are in your room looking around the ceilings and realize that you have no close friends and  all lonely in a country that is thousands of miles away from family and tumi. Your daily life is just computer and surfing. Your tumi have alot of friends, go out for movies, go out on steam boat with friends and cool activities with friends. Whereas you, no close friends, the clubs you joined mostly inactive, most international people are all sohai,all your friends in class may not be permanent as they may separate from you,you never go for movies with anyone, karaoke with friends never exist in your life here and never go out with friends even to makan. Not to mention you have to wake up every morning at 6 30 just to have the chance to see tumi. You are mostly bored and lonely, and want to chat with tumi, but tumi is getting more and more busier everyday, so lesser attention from tumi. And one night you were waiting for tumi to give report of how he is doing in coffee shop, and suddenly tumi snap that tumi is with his friends somewhere, having fun. You asked him what happen, but he doesn't reply until you wanna sleep. You send him vows and tell tumi to report back ASAP. But tumi only report, no vows, because only read last message. You may want to wait, because you feel very lonely and separated from your tumi because you have no idea that he was planning to go somewhere to see his friends.You felt like he didn't inform you, which causes you to feel slightly drifted away. But it's getting late and you feel sads that tumi no vow you that night, so you decided to make yourself feel as a 'meant to be' lonely person, which in the end you can sleep,but this time without imagining tumi sleeping beside you, not to mention if he existed in your life.  Until 5 in the morning baru tumi say something, saying that he forgotten about the vows completely. You were to depressed of that fact tumi can forget about something that is done daily. You wanted to promise with tumi so tumi won't do it again, but tumi refuses. 

*End of role*

 So you see, surely you can go into deep depression from that. It's like you only have me, and few times your tumi just 'poof' and gone, making you even more sad and lonely. To think about it....yea... I really do not mind talking this role for you. Thank god you have fun life there, compared to here. Lucky I stay patient so far, thinking that out relationship is still okay, just most of the challenges are on me, so I'm the one that holds the future of our relationship. Of course the darl have the role to take care of me. If you abandon that role, this relationship can be severely damaged, as well as myself, mentally. In conclusion.... Let's stay strong together and fight the future challenges ahead of us. Remember, if you truly love me, you always have time for me, no matter how busy you are. Love you.

From: The Darl.

17th February 2016

Hello darl!! It's been awhile since I wrote this letter for the darl. hehe.

So darl. My letter doesn't seem to reach you yet. :( I'm super sads if the letter doesn't reach you... Or lost somewhere in the world.... I ish sads. But I guess I have to keep doing until it really reaches your place. Hopefully this letter reaches to you though.

It's already 2 months 7 days since we have seen each other. We miss each other and still love one another. Hehe. I still love the darl very the much of course. Darl, remember if the darl needs to contact me, just contact me ok? Don't care I sleep or what ok? I really want to maintain our good relationship.

Darl, so on the 14th of February, you know what you gave me? A nice and delicious cheese packet for valentine. It looks so delicious hehe. I really wanna send you something for your birthday, but I really need to make the address clear in case if that is the problem with my letter. You know what else you bought for me? A FREAKING COCK RING!!!!!!! REMEMBERRRR?????????
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Our relationship so deep until buy a sex toy???????? XDDDDDDDDDD HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

I really love you so much. You are so full of surprise. Hahahaha.

Darling. The darl seem to be doing well in KL? Have good friends, do fun competition together and stuff... You told me that if I were there with you, you'll challenge me. Tell you though.... I really cannot challenge certain games certain people. I'll most probably make myself lose for you. Why? You told me you'll be angry and sad if I do that. But I really tell you, there are really people out there, who are too empathetic until they feel bad for winning with some people. 4 years ago, I challenge touhou game with sheldon. He always beat me and I rarely win. But overtime I gain the skill to vs him. There were few times where I fought him and won few stages, but in the end when I win, I don't feel right at all. Some people do have the feeling of anger if they lose a game with someone they always beat. I cannot say 100% that he is, but I never wanted to test it. I really am the person who wants to remove any possible slight unhappiness in my friends. But I do know that even if he was such a person, we wouldn't get into any argument. But still..... I really sensitive in other people's feeling. Like..... I became them for few moments? I don't know myself either. If I win, I don't feel happy, if I lose, people think I'm a loser. This sheldon case however, I be happy if I win him, only IF from the beginning our skill is about the same. For your case however, is different. It's just I love you so much. I know it is a game. But the feeling of beating someone I love super much is just not.... registered in me. Like, I feel happier if I can see them win. If I win, I might be happy, but for that moment only, after that, I forget all about it. But to see someone I really love dearly wins, I always feel happy thinking about it and I can keep on praising him or her for that victory. So.... what a bummer? Hehe. Sorry... I actually have been like this since kinddy. This is about real life competition, but other stuff maybe I'm different? It is funny that when I enter into a competition, I really show no mercy in other competitors. Like I don't care if my opponent has practiced more than me, or having to win that competition  is his/her dream, if I beat them, I'll still be proud of myself. Unless if I see them cry infront of me, I might feel bad for that. But once I don't see them, I forget everything and start bragging myself. That's who I am during competition. Sorry if I can't challenge you in few things. I hate to win and lose when challenging someone like you. As you can see, I hate losing with someone I love and yet I prefer that than winning. Might as well don't do right? But if you really insist me.... I guess.... I'll challenge you. I'm happy or not, I'll do what you tell me, since I tell you about myself already.

So darl, here a kisu, *kisu* please don't hate me for that yea. I know you accept me for who I am, but that doesn't mean I can go wildly on myself. I'm too full of empathy, maybe I should throw some away. As if I can do that. hahahaha. Yea.... to be honest, I hate being empathy towards people. It's so strong that sometimes it becomes my weakness. Mew.

 Always love the darl. *hugs* Hope I can see you soon. You might see me as a baboon on the day I see you again. Hahaha. Love you.

From: The Darl

1st February 2016

Dear The Darl.

Hello me love. Right now is 11:45pm, 15 more minutes will be the 2nd of February. It is out 1 year 2 months Anniversary!!!! Yayyyy!!!! We have survived 2 months without physical any each other's physical contact. Hehe.

Right now me wanted to sleep but I realized that it's been awhile I didn't update this letter blog.

I have sent you a letter. It is red and full of stamps on the top right corner. I don't want to risk the chance of them giving me back the letter for the reason of not having enough stamp. I really hope I put your address properly though. I really don't want that letter to go to someone else, plus the letter contains a valentine card from me.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FORGOT TO WRITE THE 'WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE' THING' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I CREE!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are automatically mine right? XD I don't have to ask that? Hehe. I just want some romantic words. Kisu. So yea, I hope the letter can reach you safely. Right now my main priority is not about the time it takes to reach you, but rather it reach to you or not. Hopefully yea? I wonder where is the letter now. Must be cold... and dark.... lost..... hungry. hahaha.

Darling. Me ish misu you the much. Always remember I love you a lot yea? If we are in bed together right now...... I surely gila and attack you XD hahahahaha. I wanna let go all my temptation on you ;)

I have a plan for your birthday though. Do you wonder the other reasons why I want to work? Is because I want to buy you a razer headset. Hehe. That's my plan now la. See how it change later. But I'l try my best to get you something.

For the coming letters I'm going to send you. I'll try to put in a maple leaf. Sadly tho, I never see any laminating services here.... I'll try find again and give you a book mark of maple leaf. Hehe.

I don't really have much though. I feel like doing the tumblr questions on you. And the questions I think is good to copy from the one you wrote in your journal.

I'm going to follow the 'Flower asks'. So here we go.

Daisy: How old were you when you had your first kiss.

-18 years old with my cute Joan

Carnation: If you were given a concert ticket, who would you wanna see?

-Daft Punk (Duuuh)

Jasmine: What color looks best on you?

-Black, something dark, but I dislike maroon though.

Allium: The best thing you can cook?

-Grilled salmon,fried egg,grilled minced meat and tasteless broccoli XD

Calla Lily: What song do you want to be played of your funeral?

-I don't know... Sad song? Roaring Tides 2? Town, flow of time, people? I don't really know sad songs Haha. Maybe Daft Punk also can, the whole entire 2007 Concert.

Poinsettia: Favorite Holiday dish?

-Grill fish using burning coal, with sambal, lime, apply turmeric and correct herbs for an hour( I suddenly forgot the word for letting the taste absorb in naturally by leaving it for sometimes), wrapped with banana leaf and large glass of sugar cane :D

Daffodil:  What is the most thoughtful present you ever received?

-The journal my love wrote for 1 year

Oxlip: Will you ever get in long distance relationship?

-DUHHH! RIGHT NOW?!!! XD

Rose: Are you extremely in love with someone right now?

-Very, in love

Peony: What is your favorite hot beverage?

-Sweet Hot chocolate

Tulip: For your birthday, what kind of cake do you ask for?

-Sweet Tiramisu cake

Myrtle: Do you like going on airplanes?

-Only when got installed personal TV and free entertainments.

Hibiscus: Do you play an instrument?

-Piano

Hydrangea: Starbucks order?

-Zen tea for tea, for coffee.... I don't have any preference. I like their green tea as well.

Queen Anne's Lace: Do you rather crave a pumpkin or wrap a present?

-Wrap a present... I never tried crave a pumpkin XD

Magnolia: Favorite kind of candy?

-I don't really take candies actually. hehe

Aster: Would you rather be hot or cold.

-Cold, but now that I live in cold country, I want warm XD

Marigold: Do you listen to what's on the radio?

-No, most radio's taste is shit. Mine is the best. HAHAHAHA

Heliconia: Do you like it when it rains?

-Yes, when I'm at home, and no college. XD

Azalea: What is the movie you cried after watching?

-Papa, can you hear me sing? It's a cina movie. Old style, but sad.

Dandelion: Do you think you are important?

-Yes.

That's all to it. Love you lots darl. It's already 2nd February 2016. HAPPY 1 YEAR 2 MONTHS ANNIVERSARY MY LOVE!!!!!!!!

From: The darl.