21st May 2016

Hello the darl. It's so long since I wrote this letter thingy to you. This quarter really busy... Quiz after quiz...Exams after exams......I no likey no more. Me wanna just give it up and place my head on your lap and pat pat me and say "good boy". Hehehe

These days I don't really feel that much of a lonely now. Don't know why. Maybe I know more people? Or is it that you don't spend much time with your friends anymore because of your exams.  I always thought because I know more people, but in a way I feel the point 'spend less time with your friend' actually is the main reason. I don't really dig much into this topic anymore, cause I really tried of this problem. Just let it flow away. 

In my Grammar class, there are these group of people that acts so similarly like me. When I look at them, it's like looking at the younger me. I can't really tell you much how they act, but just imagine a group of younger me. Ehe. I went to makan pho with them yesterday, wasn't that bad the food. Well, sad thing is that I won't be seeing them much anymore, simply because we won't be in the same class anymore. Well, I never expect a joy that last long, so I guess it's just part of me life to enjoy things temporarily. Temporary, but doesn't mean they have to go permanently. Like the darl, our time together physically was temporary last year, but after we do this, it will be permanent. Right? You think so? ehehe.

Forgot to put this at the beginning. This letter doesn't contain any naughty stuff likey the previous one. I know it's sad, but no can do... cause I have no sexual story right now. ehe. 

Right now if you remember, you are in Kuching with your family. To be precise, you are sleeping as I'm typing these. You just went to the old dun and watch some performances for 4 hours. I didn't ask if you enjoyed it though. Most probably you are, ehe.

By the time you receive this letter, most probably it's already past half year anniversary of being together without physical contact. YAYYYY we made it quite far!!! Hehehehe. I ish happy. You happy? If you ish happy for the fact that we survived for more than half a year together without physical contact, draw your happiness here:

You have to show me what ever you draw. This drawing can be 'a pass' if you meet the criteria: 

-colored

-got love

-more love

-something cute

-draw yourself in it.

-what does that picture mean to you.

Hehehe. I look forward to your drawing ;)

Let's see... what is there for me to write about....

Darl, since half year already, let's talk about something that we don't feel... quite right about each other? (the matter must still exist)

I don't have much though, we get high doing stuff together, we love each other, we do this and that, we even plan for sex. Hehe. I guess.... maybe....gimmie 4 min. 

5 min later. There's one thing that popped in my head. ... So I guess, 

WARNING: IF THE DARL IS NOT IN THE MOOD TO LISTEN TO COMPLAINS, OR TOO TIRED TO PROCESS THINGS, IT'S RECOMMENDED NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER AND SAFE IT FOR NEXT TIME READ.

Sound like a heavy warning. XD Hahaha. I really don't like using blog to make emojis like XD. The serif font add edges to the emojis, make it look so.... formal? Hahahaha. Like :D the mouth.... honesly it looks better with edges for that emoji, it emphasizes the smile XD Not 'XD' though, the edges in the 'X' looks so weird. Hahaha.  So... let's get started.

As you see, I'm rather a sensitive person who feel like, whatever you have, I have the permission to it (except religious stuff ofcourse) ,vise versa. Sometimes if you don't allow me to have access to it even until future, I would consider myself not loved enough by you. I remember that time when I asked you if I can follow your tumblr? You said tumblr not 'meant' to have anyone to follow you? That is one thing that causes gap up between me and you. We kindda argued or discussed about it, but I don't really want to discuss it further cause the more the reason, the deeper you stab me with that knife. I... simply... don't care if the 'trend' of tumblr is to not have someone follow you? the fact that you put me into that 'trend' feels like as if you just close the door on me. We always talk about something deep, but if this is not resolved, why bother go so far? I've been trying to see how you see, so I can understand you and let go of the matter. But this thing simply.... don't get me anywhere. I'm that type of a person who lets his lover have the access to everything because that's how I show my love, and I want to be treated the same. Do you think I'm that person who easily let someone access his things? Well, you decide based on this fact, 'Even before I feel uncomfortable with Sheldon, I actually don't like him touching my phone, same goes to Jordan and James.' 

Usually when I type these things, I would end up with a nice conclusion of how I finally understand one other's perspective, but for this matter with you, it's still a dead end. Why though? I really have no idea why, not even the slightest. I assume this as one of the new thing that I never see in life. Let me try to see how you see, based on this tumblr problem.

1) Naughty posts? 

- We've been to naughty... So I think if I see that on your site... It it the same feeling as seeing you posting cat posts? Simply because it doesn't affect me no more.

2) Privacy?

-You have the other tumblr page where you post about your feelings. I was referring  to the one with your 'repost' tumblr only. I understand that the other one is more secret ( and you tell me we gonna access it one day together), so I let that go. Kindda like, as long as you say I can access or follow or anything in future with a privacy reason, I just let it go and wait. 

3) You just want to keep it with 0 followers?

- This one may be the reason? Do you have followers there tho? I don't know. Even so, am I like 'others' that I'm still not qualified for this? I can't tell. IF I have a blog or tumblr account full of something I like, and may contain a few NSFW....Of course I DO NOT want anyone to follow it. BUT in the case of you, I don't get why I would reject you to follow me. It just doesn't make any sense when I reject you out of it. 

4) Trend of not letting anyone you know to follow you? 

- Let me imagine if my deviantart have such a trend... I have few followers but no one I know. I have the account for years, making me used to it (of not having anyone I know to follow). I honestly feel that it will be weird if my friends beg me to follow. I would tell them over and over again 'No'. But for you, I just can't find the reason for me to say no. Because you my lover, you have the access to anything (not my blog tho). The blog is special case, because I want you read it with you in future. As I recall, you didn't mention anything about... letting me follow your tumblr anytime in future. All I remember is 'no'.

I really can't find it darl, for that one particular issue. I really can't see it. I can't see how I won't let you access anything of me. The one and most obvious reason out is 'not enough love'. But I don't really think that's the problem at all. There's is just something you need to shed light upon for me to understand you. Explain to me nicely, I'll listen and try my best to understand you in anyway. You are one special and naisu girl, some things you really need to explain to me okay? 

This thing came out because I was thinking about you bear doll. Just recently I joked that I if he is your 'daughter'.... erh?... erh?....erh?.... you said... that doll is he.... but you call him your daughter?.... I'm pretty sure I did not hear wrong.... so.. is it guy a girl?... Half also can la. haha.

So I joked around and say that if he/she is your daughter, means it is also mine. Then you strictly replied, no. Because he/she is yours and not shared to me at all. Well, one thing first, I don't have any intention to take over your doll in any angle. You said you gonna murder me if I take it from you. The way you pronounce your 'murder' sounds... cold? I don't know, maybe my life is not as important as your doll? Hahaha. It sounds like as if I can just to hell with it than I can even hug or touch the doll. Maybe my death is not much compare to that? Who knows? You always surprise me a lot anyway. I'm not here to argue if I can have the doll la, it's just your reply for that, sounds like, as if our relationship is temporary in the case with your doll. Maybe it's just morning that why I sensitive? I'm fully awake right now and still think about your replies. What you said doesn't sound like play play, doesn't sound normal basically. Which in a way... I'm.. kindda scared? You'll tell me it's nothing... but I can actually relate your behavioral change to something... supernatural? I may sound off... but when you said something about 'aura', I kind of... not wanting to play or joke around anymore? I notice your behavior changes suddenly from that... like... I don't know.....

Let's out the 'supernatural' thing away. Well.. when you say you gonna murder me if I hug it or take it away ( my take it away mean just hug it infront of you, not running away with a car), sounds like.... you really did creep me out. Honestly speaking, I do not like the word murder to be joked around us. I really feel like, in just that instance, our tonnes of happy memory got dissolved just by one small act. That's human ofcourse...Just one misunderstood, all the happy memories are in danger. But one happy memory would not dissolve all the other sad memories. Imagine our plans of the future, the happy happy plans, like going around the world, live together and stuff, got corroded by that one matter..... I'm trying to detect if I'm overthinking. But if I overthink, I do give out some symptoms. Most likely is fear and the wants to discuss it badly. I'm in none, I'm really calm, but just... felt weird.

Talk about your doll only, I just thought that if you would share that with me, it means to me that you really have your childhood accepted me. Some lovers, they are happy couples, but either one or both conceals their childhood, for their childself do not accept the other person yet, or may never. If you would share the doll with me, I would feel... like your younger self would accept me? It would really make me happy you know that? I'm not sure if you understand about this childhood thing. If it doesn't, think about it further, want to discuss about it? We can discuss about it right after you read this. I give example, if I don't accept you to my childhood, I will tell you that I'll never want to show you my hometown. Just like that. My present self accepted you, what about the past? 

You might wonder why is this important to me tho? Why do I want you to give me the access to everything? Simple, my goal in relationship is to love one another COMPLETELY. When I say completely, means everything. I want to prove myself that perfect relationship does exist, and it is now up to you to prove it to me. If you want me to have my life ended one day with no such believe, that's fine by me, but happy or not, the answer is obvious. Why I search for such relationship tho? What benefit would it bring to us? Well, one thing, we can cross out 'being uncomfortable in any way' out of the problems that every married or not married couples always face. Many couples always feel like, 'oh I can't show this to him, I can't let him know this, I cant' blah blah blah'. I want to eradicate that problem from us. I want us to get comfortable in everything. You many not ever experience this because, firstly, I'm your first and will be the final guy you'll be with in your life, and lastly, I actually let you access a lot of things almost immediately because I don't want you to feel sad and uncomfortable with me. 

So about that tumblr and doll thing, I honestly still feel incomplete with you. Until then, I'll just keep this matter in my closed case. I'll open it when the time is right. Darl, sometimes I don't feel fair because it's hard for me to say no to you, but it is easy for you to say no to me. You asked me before, 'Why am I not tired of you?'. Sometimes.... I really am. Like sometimes how you treat me differently ( in a way I don't really like) when I gave you the obvious signs that I want you to treat me like how I treat you? I always give you many signs that I want you to treat me the same as how I treat you in some things. Like accessibility, I always give you sign that I let you have access anything of me, and I would like you to do the same, but instead you didn't. I'm not referring to private parts because one day in far future, it's something that we will definitely do. I'm only referring to your doll and your tumblr for now. I guess until the day you say 'You can', I'll finally be able to feel more at ease. 98.9% at ease is not 100% for me. I want to strive for 'perfect'. 

So darl. That's all to it now. I'm going back to sleep. Darl, what I really want to tell you is that... I want you to give me ways so I can access everything of you, instead of 'murder', 'no' and 'reason of no and no, without telling me any possible way to overcome it.' It's really, in a way for other couples as nothing, but in our relationship, I'm still going to make a stand for myself. Whether you like it or not... it's really my policy to make everything perfect between us. And so far we have been doing good, and I wish to make it even better for both of us. There's a saying, 'Something may require scars, to make a better future.' Simply means, even though we don't like to do it, we still have to do it IF we want to archive something better.  

So, love you lots darl. Please give me your opinion nicely to me darl. Don't scold me okay? Don't say bad about me okay? Please don't say my remark is childish... you other approach if you think it is, because saying my remark is childish makes me a person who is scared to give opinions. :( These are my opinions (some facts) about us....No marah ye? Ehe. As you can see the obvious mark here, it shows that I'm really scared of you after giving my opinions.... I actually always do this to you, so.... I don't know if you already know it or not. We discuss it nicely ye? So that we can avoid biased remarks.. Love you lots. Be safe me love. Stay healthy. Byee~

 Below are actually some thing I always want to archive long ago when we still new in relationship. Please cross out the one that you already let me in.  

1) I have the access to your full body.

2) I can sleep with you.

3) I can have the access to your room (your permission)

4) I have access to any of your tumblr or blog.

5) Whatever you make, crochet or sewing or anything like that. I want a copy for myself. 

6) I can hug Charlie.

________________________________                                 ________________________________

The darl ish sign here if he still loves darl alot.          The darl ish sign here ONLY if all the above is                                                                                        crossed, and also loved the darl.

11th April 2016 (5 min after previous post)

Darl. you told me that you are going to climb hill and view the sunrise.... and you didn't tell me prior time because you forgot.... I really hate it when you suddenly go out for trip like that you know?..

Not hate in bad way... just... ask me permission please.. make me feel that I'm in that trip as well... So that I can feel like you tagged me along in a way. Haih. I know you didn't know any about this, but I'll definitely tell you soon. I just felt if you just do that, I won't like any picture that you are going to gimmie. That's just who I am. I just.... want in a way tag me along with you. You just told me the day before going whereas you planned it for a week already. This time I really feel very detached from your trip. I guess... Don't expect me to be very happy about this matter.

I actually thought I were the type to ask permission just to make me feel in part with you....

I'm not that type to randomly inviting myself.

I know that I ish very cham person... but... haih

I know you feel like... why should you even do that? Asking permission and stuff? Why can't I just feel like always invited by you?

I'm not that simple darl.... Sorry. Guys are actually complicated, but we don't make matter bizarre.

By doing so... I can really feel that journey with you.

Love you.

11th April 2016

Hello darl. Well.. Shocking news that you scored zero for you midterm... I studied very hard and I knew it that. I hate the teacher for giving you minor topics :( But I guess the lecturers decide students' fate...

I know darl going to be very busy studying for finals. Sokay, I got the reasons so I'll just let it be if we couldn't chat alot. I'm happy that everyone even your lecturer still supports you. Like how everyone believe you can do your finals well. I believe in you too, I 100% believe in you that you can pass the exam with good mark :)  I'll try not to be a burden and treat you nicely.

Sometimes, eventhough you are stressed, please don't reply me coldly. I know I did that to you before, but not that I notice I have been like that I'll try to be better. So darl, just give me little motivational words and I'll be fine. If you reply me coldly in the morning, you'll kill my day. Just say nice things with hearts, I'll be extremely happy already.

Well.. You have been clingy with me for awhile now and I truly enjoy those moments. But I guess that will have to be put aside for now until your exam.... Promise that you'll be like this again after finals, then I'll feel in peace. Sometimes I do fear the moment where you... didn't get very clingy on me until you really lost feelings.... These days you really like full of feel on me, which I'm extremely happy about. So... Please don't lose it yea?

I support you in anyway.

Love, The Darl.

2nd April 2016

Hello my love!!! Happy 1 year 4 month anniversary~~ Hehe.

It's not been 4 months since we last physically contact each other. It is on the 10th of December that it was the last time we physically hold each other.... 8 more days then XD Basically it's 3 months 22 days? I feel like dying already right now... Dying to have you next to me right now. Really miss you right now. You know like how I said every anniversary we have to discuss about what we don't like about one another and fix it? So.... I'll try to go along with problems I have and... hopefully you tell me about mine also? And most important.... we can do something about it instead of just getting sien of it and push it aside for another time. Hahahaha.

We have come quite a long way, but there's still a long journey ahead of us that we have to face before meeting again. But I'm sure if both of us stay strong, we can go through it. I don't like to say that I'm strong at all. Look at me. So mentally damaged already... I'm still level 1 in living here, whereas darl is level 25 in Kajang. Sometimes I wonder how can I improve myself from not being so clingy on you. It's hard to control myself. I'm that type to either care about someone, or not. It's hard for me to be in between or 75% care and  25% not. I have been like this for many ages, changing it would take more than myself to do. It's even harder for me to not be very clingy on you. I love you a lot, that's my only reason. But that one reason is more than enough for me to give my ultimate care. Of course... you don't really need my care as much as I do. Looky you, so independent. Me le? Need you all the time, if not I become sads and no motivation. Remember the saying that 'Guys get motivated when they feel needed'? That is very true you know? Remember that day when you were so sweet in skype? I felt so motivated the whole day. Why can't you be like that every time we skype??? Huhuhu. Sometimes you were very cold you know? :( I don't likey when you are cold with me... It's really demotivating my day... Darl expects me to be happy here, but if there is no good motivation in the morning, how? Darl told me that some days you'll be cold and some days sweet. That makes me wonder. Why not sweet everyday so I can be very happy everyday? I find it very funny when darl told me that. Because my type of person is like... if I know there's a way to make you happy, I'll do my best in it. I'm not going to wait for the day I my mood sweet sweet baru I be sweet with you. I'll try to remove all my no moods and replace them to sweet sweet if that can make darl happy. I always want to be happy everytime I skype you so you can sleep well. Hehe. But of course there are days when we are quite 'bend' so it wasn't really a pleasant skype. So darl, just a request from me, can you be more sweet with me? Please control your 'cold' sometimes yea(especially in my morning XD )? I'm much more fragile here than in back in Kuching, so any cold replies actually can ruin my day. Please think about texting me something sweet yea? If it is not necessary to be cold... please don't. Some times I just want to show you that I care, but you replied my coldly. I don't know if I ever coldly texted you these past months without a cause.... but if I do, you should tell me. DON'T let me be the guy you don't likey. Sometimes I wonder, is it because I don't get enough attention in the morning that's why the whole day I always miss you badly and became very clingy? Let's try be sweet sweet most of the time? See if it can help. Hehe. So, all in all,  please be sweet for my morning? Be clingy with me, show me that you need me, it will really fuel up my day. :)  (Hopefully you won't take this as a childish request... I really mean it *Kisu* )


Hmm... by the Valentine letter reached you in 2 months... So basically this letter should reach you around 6th months anniversary. Yayyyy 1.5 years anniversary XD But that still mean we just go through 1/8 of 4 years T___T HUHUHU But who cares, I'm just going to imagine that moment when we reunited. Will be lovely. Hehe. I wonder what we gonna do ho? I hold hand sure high and....yeah... already XD So please take it slow or I die inside.

Last night we watched Gravity Falls if you remember. The last special episode and final episode. I rate it 10/10 :) Actually that part where Uncle Stan was shot with the memory gun to eliminate Bill, I was kind of expecting that Uncles Stan would lost his memory permanently. It would mean sadder ending, but I thought it would be better that the writer would put some hints on the ending that Uncle Stan actually remembers a few things, which would makes us the watcher to decide whether or not he actually completely lost his memories. I mean, I still accept that ending, maybe the original ending is still better for you la. Haha. I really love to see how Uncle Stan and his brother in the end goes adventure together like what they dream of when they were still kids. Feels to 100% when it reaches the ending. One ticket to Feeladelphia please. If darl got any cartoon or shows that is both funny and feel like that, please share me? We watch together :)

You know.... Last night we supposed to... do that after watching? But you had to sleep cause need to print and pass up uni work... also cause your sister is there... :( I actually feel quite sad cause our plan didn't go finish. I ish the type to always want to follow the schedule, so was kindda weird that we didn't do what was planned. Honestly... I was also.... maybe..... sexually frustrated? XD If a guy had a plan to do something sexy with their love one, and if it doesn't go well, the guys can get very sexually frustrated. Haha. I don't know for girls la.... But for guys yes. Ehe. Wasn't anyone's fault last night, so I kind of let it go. I hope we do it soon ;) I love to see you.... do that... Ehe..


I really really really miss miss miss you right now me love..... Like... very miss. I wonder if there's a word that is can express my miss level towards you. I misser you? XD hahahahaha. Darl, to think about it, I'm not doubting la, but I wonder if there is a time when I say 'I miss you' to you but.... you either ignore it or it just goes in you head and doesn't react to it anymore? I say that cause I feel like.... I scare that I kept on saying it to you until you feel like it means nothing already. I can't really remember the name of that effect when you keep on repeating the same word or sentence in your head until that word/sentence just doesn't make any sense to you anymore. I fear of that you know? When I say that I miss you, I always mean it. How could I lie from the situation I have right now? I really miss you all the time, until I see you again hehe.

By the time darl receives this letter.... Darl already back to uni from vacation week. I hope darl will enjoy the weeks of vacation in Kuching. Darl told me darl gonna go puri/permai/damai with friends? Darl must replay all those memories of me there when we were together  ok? MUST! Ehe. Darl, to think about it.... This morning you told me you planned going to Perak or Kedah with your sis, Kent, Jia Ying and someone else? I was... shocked when you told me straight that you are going to places. Plus it was planned like... a week ago and I just know now? :( That reminds me of some occasions that you plan to go with friends outside town, but you told me only when I asked what you were texting with your friends. First thing first, don't get the wrong yea? It's not about you going out....It's more a like... I just... Or always... Expects darl to kind of ask me permission first? I definitely let you out one, it's just.... I don't really like when darl just go adventure without asking me permission... I somehow felt very left out in a way. I mean I'm already left out in terms of not physically following.... It's just I always imagine people in relationship always ask each other permission to go out somewhere special, basically it's something that couples always do? If it is something to do with work or a compulsory uni trip or going back Kuching, I don't mind if you go without asking me. But just... when with friends?... I really prefer darl to ask me permission. It really will make me feel happy with that one question you know? I asked myself why? Why do I need you to ask me permission before you go? Maybe since I can't follow you adventure physically, in a way asking for my permission is equivalent to you inviting me in to your adventure mentally? I honestly feel like, even though you are going to take pictures for me, I might feel sad instead of happy when looking at the pictures. I suppose to be happy to see you adventure, but I sad cause I felt very left out. Can we try that darl? I really want to be the guy that smiles when he sees his lover having fun adventuring. Maybe from there I won't feel very sads and jelly whenever you go out adventuring with your friends. Also, if you ask for my permission, at least... I feel like you do care about how I feel having you in that trip. I don't really know the word to describe that feels.It's just that feels when you care about my feelings in some things. Not only talking about vacation with friends, but others as well... Maybe any outdoor events? I won't say no to whatever you want to attend, unless it requires you to do something obscene or any thing is inappropriate, which I know you won't join. You can ask me in a way like 'Can I go?' or 'Should I go?.' But usually when you asked me 'Should I go', mostly the final decision is whatever the opposite of what I suggest  :| So.... I'll stick to 'Can I go?'. Just a question can make me happy me love. Remember that I have learnt to think about how you would feel in the decisions I make?  So... don't worry about my answer, I always support the darl. I guess, another request if that's fine? Ask for my permission in trips or outdoor events please? So I can really feel both love and adventure connection between us :)

What a long letter... There are some thing that are still 'bend' from us. For example when you told me that you feel kindda 'don't care' about my problem here? I feel... very... not sad, but sick when I heard you said that. It's really depressing.... I mean... It's like you gave up hope in me. No matter what problems we have.. I won't give up or ignore. I hate that attitude when I start to ignore our problems, thinking that it is a dead end. If there is nothing can be done... I guess it's just left with patience, instead of ignoring or giving it up. I know you have been patient for awhile already. Haih. I'm quite serious about this matter cause this problem can slowly damage our relationship over time.... Right now I just train myself to be more.... calm and positive? Whenever I'm in tight condition, I remember that the lord always push our limits in order for us to learn something or to be even better in it. From there, I can feel better for myself and slowly I can see myself improve. So darl... sorry to make you feel sads because of me some times. Just.... please don't give up hope on me.. I'll try my best even more. I'll push my limits.

Right now darl ish resting. Darl playing ipad and left our whatsapp conversation. I said that I miss you alotttttttttttt.... sooooooo whyyy darlll stilll wannttt tooo leaveee emeeeeee HUHUHUHU. It's a sign that I need you rightt nowwww..... But I guess since you want to study and also you no mood from the haircut that you had.... I guess you do need some time alone for now. Please cheer up okay? It's not that bad. Still love you lots.

Darl. I have been writing for hours now. Imma gonna end this letter. So.... Love you lots :) Happy 4th months anniversary. Yayyyyyyyyy celebrationnnnnn :))))))) Loveeee darl alott. Very ish in love with the darl. Please don't get mad at me for asking many requests... :( It's just how I think can help me feel better, which in the end you'll definitely get less stressful times with me. I really wanna do stuff to the darl badly. Still sexually frustrated cause we didn't get to do it last night.... I actually keep on telling you that I wanna see you is because... I want to do that...the thing we supposed to do last night... But see you no mood and stuff.... Maybe I'll just go watch some vids and do it myself tomorrow.. Or now? Hehehe. Kisu. Love love. See you soon my love~




The Darl Signs here to give love. (´ ,,•ω•,,)っ⌒♡          (´,,•ω•,,)♡The Darl signs here to receive love.




____________________________________                   ___________________________________









This letter can be turned into a one time contract of the darl can do anything to the darl for one day if the above is signed by both the darl only.

31st March 2016

Just few hours ago I updated this blog... Funny that I came here again. I must be truly desperate to write right now.

Nothing much.... Just I felt... sad you know that? Like this sadness....I feel like ending everything. Not death. More a like, cut all connection and go to space and explore the interstellar by myself. You read that right.... just... myself.. sorry. I always feel very needy of you, but you hardly are... which makes me an idiot. 

Idiotic is me. Long since I was still small till now, never my idiotic self evaporates over time. I guess I never can...

I saw your pictures from photobooth..... saying you are happy with your friends.... and happy with your year... I honestly feel like... sads when I saw that picture... Looking at how different we are. I really don't want to live anymore. Usually when I see your smiling pictures, I'd like it. But this one.... Sorry... I didn't put a like and... I skip that pic without looking close at your face. Your captions is enough to make me go. I really feel jealous. That's why........

You said you are friendly. I'm friendly too, but none cares. Why? When I asked you' Maybe I'm too dumb or something' through whatsapp, you replied 'idk'. 'IDK'? Is that really your answer at this moment? Since we couldn't skype, I actually wanted you to support me, not by facts and tell me you don't know. I just seek attention so I could think straight.... I thought we always do that? When you sad, I always support you even though I didn't know much about the problem, so that you can get mental support from me.... But today you didn't. You gave me facts that doesn't make me feel better. I know the facts and I want to get away from there awhile and get on to a dream where I can just think about you to make me mentally better..... It's useless isn't it? Like you said 4 years, I'll let you do what ever you think is right, hurts me or not, I can't do anything but accept. Right now, I honestly feel like I'm 100% alone. You might think it's okay, but it's not. Means I can't imagine you to sleep right now. If this happens more, who knows I won't be able to imagine you anymore? 

Maybe I'm just expecting too much? Who knows? I'm extremely mad with your friends inviting you to cc and makes you fatigue. I don't care right now if they didn't know it could happen, it's their fault. I honestly hate people who makes someone skip class. I'm strict in skipping class. I do not tolerate the people I love skipping class because of something. 

Why am I like this? Firstly, I'm jealous till max. Secondly they take you to do something that I can't imagine you doing and lastly, caused you to skip class. 

HAIH!

If you read this right now, most probably you'll tell me 'What to do?' I hate that question from you. You tell me that? You know that you hold the pencil to my script of happiness? Are you going to let this go on normally? Or are you gonna change the story a little? 

honestly...I;m happy you have friends... I'm just jealous... I'm sorry...I'.m.... really sorry... I really feel like crying right now. Soryrryy you have to date someone like me....

loveyou..

30th March 2016

Today.... You went to cyber cafe and play cs. You had that 'syndrome' that people might get when they play cs in cyber cafe. One can play well in cyber cafe if they are used to it though.

When I heard you gonna play, my heart drops down till I get so.... pissed off? I... honestly do not like girls who go cyber cafe play games. It's not hate... more a like... not a preferred girl. Like, I went to cyber cafe many times before and I noticed that I get to addicted to it, spending hundreds to go and play with friends. I feel very.... so into it? Money spend.... that money can be used to buy wifi service and good online games. Therefore I hate it when someone I love goes to a cyber cafe.

I also.... do not like... it when you play these games cause....it's... just not you. You are not that girl who plays this kind of games.... What if you are into it? I just can't imagine you know? When you do something that doesn't suit you, I tend to lost that relationship connection, because in a way I feel like I'm dating someone new. If we are next to each other physically, I don't mind, cause I can be there with you and learn together. Right now, I'm far as hell. Technically if hell is in the bottom of the earth, whereas I'm on the other other side of the world.... means I'm further than hell itself. I can't grow with you easily like this you know that? I really can't.... I'm not strong at all. I accept changes here, but not between us. You said that we are separated for 4 years and that you are going to do alot of stuff without me. I'm fine with that.... just... please... not something that doesn't suit you. My mind just doesn't add up when that happens. I was playing CS just now when you told me you were going to play CS in Cyber Cafe. I got so pissed, my death increases much more than my kill (which is bad). When you do something that doesn't suit you, it's like you change to someone that I don't prefer to date.... You can tell me that I'm not thinking far, but as I understand people in depth,I noticed that there are just things that we have to follow in order to be with them, because YOU really do not want to change that part of them. I can tell you more about this when you read this. But it's up to you of course.  There are of course some things that I just have to accept from you which I wish not change. It's not something that is pleasant, yet I can't change, but I'm okay with that. Isn't that something that people should acknowledge in relationship? You date a person that you feel you can fit in the most(in a way that you feel more happier than sadder if you were to date that person). Of course that one person is not perfect to begin with, no matter who you date, there's always problem in there(mostly are minor problems). And if you notice, we actually adapt those problems. I can give you example, your hate of hearing chewing sound. I personally do not find that a heavy problem for me. But sometimes you went to extreme for that, like when i was chewing my bar when we skyped, you told me you are going to mute your skype. I find it disrespectful for anyone to mute me, because..... why not just off? Don't bother skyping me, but ofcourse I couldn't do that. I have to adapt to that problem of yours and chew with mouth closed. I'm pretty sure that you won't be able to change that, because it is more a like your nature, and I can't do anything about it except to just accept it and change myself. I have problems that I can't change and you just have to adapt. For example is my acceptance to your change. I don't mind you do new stuff, just don't do something that won't benefit you and...... doesn't suit you. I personally find cyber Cafe like a gambling place, go there waste money. I know you hate casinos. I actually was invited to gamble here, but I know you hate it, so I didn't go for it. I feel that it's wrong to do something you don't like me doing.

I honestly do not have strong mental here so.... please... for me... please don't do weird stuff until we get together again k? I know it's 4 years.... but please... do your best so I won't have my mental deteriorate even more....Love you.

11th March 2016

Entery 11th March 2016.

Its been awhile since i update my blog. The last time could have been many months ago. Or could it be a few days ago. Who cares?

Being alone may have been what i have to go through eversince i set foot here in the US. All i can tell is that, i always have bad luck in making and having friends here. I tried to blend in, but it doesn't seem to work properly here. I wonder where i went wrong. I applied in for International Assistant, with reasons of being alone here and they reject me with bullsgit saying 'thank you of applying.... we appreciate.....' Fuck your gentelness people. We do not appricate when we got rejected, don't say that you are happy to meet us, and other bullshits you all says. Other want to have opportunities you all said? Dont fucking bullshit me, i need this to make friends fools. Your college is really is a fucked up place to make friends you know that? Luckly i wasn't as unstable as before, i might do something i might regret definitely if this happened during my unstable time. In this college, i only have one friend... i guess i can say... had in few more weeks... she is the nicest person i have here in the college, i find her the best out of all in friend making. She even agrees on this college being not friendly and bad at judgements in many different ways. She smiles all the time whenever i talk to her, which is makes me confrotable most of the time. But guess what, she's leaving soon. Wont see her for awhile, might be even a long time... or will never be. Fate holds our friendship, i'll just let that go, let the wind blow us without direction, will we oneday meet again? We never know. But i thanked het for being such a nice person with me, i really wished i could know her even more and be even closer as friends. I guess all in all, nothing can be done much with little time.

Im mostly alone here. People always asked me,' you have your girlfriend'. I have. I still have. But she isn't reliable sometimes. When i want to chat her, usually she's busy with her work.... as well sometimes with playing games with her friends... I usually send out signs that i really need her when she's not busy doing her work or rather busy playing games with her friends when i'm really lonely. I could say most of the time she doesnt get my message at all. I do sometime feel ma girl prefers being with her friends that being with me. I know that aint true. But im overly sensitive you know when im all lonely. Still though, if she needs me when im not busy doing school work, i'll get on to her. Name it, games, sports, music and all other things i can do, i'll always prioritize ma girl over them. I dont know how she thinks but, ofcourse what just happened i do predict that she doesn't know when i really need her. What happened was that she was busy playing games with her friends when i texted her, she kindda read my message and went offline, i hate the word, but it can mean she ignored. When i told her that she went offline, she just send me a kiss emoji,thats all, and i honetly feel that doesn't make any fucking sense. So i had to tell her an embedded message if she does notice that i really miss her and needa talk to her, apparently she doesnt get it and said sorry that she is busy playing games. I just raged of ma chat and said imma sleep. Ofcouse thats a bullshit i told her, what im doing now o the prove that i aint sleeping. Im getting all fed up with these problems. If im all lonely, i couldnt imagine her at all, which means my connection to her is damaged. And when i really need her, which is just right few minustes ago, i actually want to fix the damages i feel. I thought i told her hat already, and i thought she's smart to know these, man, i many need to rethink twice.

You know what dawg? Fuck this shit. I might as well be 100% independent and need no contact any shit to make my shit feel better. Im out.