27th June 2016

Hello darl. Writing this cause I misu. Darl ish having flu, wish i could be there to jaga darl.

Me love, when you shared to your girl friends about this cute angmo guy, I began to have this one thinking. You still share guys in social media and praise them? It's not wrong, it's just I really didn't think you would still do. I know like how guys always share sexy girls around their social things, but I though after relationship, all of that has to stop? Cause like me, I don't share girls no more after I had you. I also have never seen any women that are married sharing those pictures in their social media. (Actually, one of the requirement that I have for my girl is the type that not to post random people and say they are cute or handsome)  I really don't feel right at all actually. Like it feels to say there's someone better than me. I know that in our relationship, we are free to talk about the truth. But when I actually wished you to praise me more and say something like 'he is not much la' or anything that would make me feel better than that guy, you didn't. (I actually wanted to click 'hide post' on that share, but scare if it would hide everything else you are going to share).

I'm not writing this because I very jealous or something, it's just I really expect you to be like who I am alittle. I know you love me yea? But there's some actions that if you take, you must properly face the consequences. For me, IF I ever post a sexy girl, if you complain or say something, I'll always praise you as you are better than her. I actually said "I'm not as cute as him." And instead of you telling me "you are always better", you said "you are who you are."  You really have to learn how to use 'white lie' sometimes. I think you start to share hot guys because you said your 5 guy friends always post random girls, and in which, you may have gotten influenced by them. I actually had never seen you sharing a random guy and act as those normal girls and start to call them handsome and cute. If those 5 guys really did influenced you, I really am getting vexed by them. I say that cause I don't know them, and they always do something that make me jelly and sads and much of those events where you told me to get used to them.

This is my confession actually... I actually expects you to treat me like how I treat you. I know the moments where it can make you feel abit sad, and I always try my best to remove it instead of defending it, instead of saying that it is normal to do such thing. I don't find anything 'normal' that includes making you jelly or sads. I really wish you could just understand the fact that I'm very weak hearted when far away from you, instead of telling me to get used to you all the time. I easily feel sads from small changes and stuffs you know that? If this happens when I'm next to you, I'll be just meh and bully you abit. Atleast for now.... can you just.... always praise me more, instead of telling me 'you are yourself', which automatically will make myself to hate myself more.

I'm not like who I am before, remember that. I'll be back to my old self when we start living together. Honestly though, I may not be high maintenance person in terms of cash, BUT I AM IN TERMS OF EMOTIONAL AND FEELS. Maybe that's new to you. Can't always expect me to change all the time.

Love you.

26th June 2016

Hello darl. It's been a few days since I happy happy. Today many bad stuff happened to me. For example, I got lost when trying to find Target, and also I missed many buses. But since these days we happy happy skyped, I actually feel to sadness nor anger. All I did was laugh normally and told myself better up next time, just like what I would do if you are next to me.

So then... We discussed about vaping today... You did get me right at non-containing nicotine vape. But... how are you going to try? Is there any girl friends that you know vapes? Do you accept vape by other guys? :/ I'm not very happy when that happens... Other thing is... I told you that if you do, I'll do as well. And if mine contains nicotine.... I might die darl. Also... Like I said... What if our children see? I don't want our family to be the smokey smokey type actually. Later they start to some cigaratte and waste money on those.... I really don't want our children to be like that darl.. :( Like my whole father side lineage, none of them smokes (even drinks). I just feel not happy to break that trend.... Not to mention that you REALLY DON'T suit doing these kind of things. It's really.... frustrating in a way for me to see you do such thing. I know is harmless... but it's really... not cool. Imagine I'm doing something harmless to my body, but the action itself is not cool... What would you feel?

You always say me that if you get the opportunity, then you get, eventhough I against. I don't get it darl.... Why? Why can't you just don't do it for me. Done. I always do that you know? What ever you don't like me doing, I always change without you telling me to. Do you feel is right to actually do something that I don't like you doing? Does it really not affect you? Let's say if I have a trip to Mexico and you tell me you are not happy with it because it is dangerous, I'll definitely decline the trip. Why? Is it love? Well, it's because when I know I'm doing something that the people I love not happy me doing, I would not enjoy it at all. It just hurts for me to continue doing something that would not make my people happy, eventhough I have the permission to. Even if you allow me to go for a dangerous trip, I'll decline the trip until you feel relaxed and happy about it. If you are not going to be happy, then I'll just drop the case. It's easy for me to sacrifice any thing for you. What about you? I don't doubt you or anything. I just feel so...indifferent? I really don't get why you would continue doing something even though I told you I'm not happy about it. I know you like to try new stuff... But... Is it worth my sadness? In this matter, even if I allow, I'll always be not happy inside, no matter how much you debate or discuss with me. These kind of thing is a COMPLETE FULLS STOP. Please darl... I know it doesn't harm you, but IT CAN harm me and my future dreams, as well as the view I have on you....

Well... In relationship, you should understand that sometimes you have to drop some of your bucketlist stuff and dreams for your lover in order to have a stable relationship ESPECIALLY long distance. If I'm next to you,  the chances of allowing you to vape is actually higher because I'm there with you. So darl... in the end is your choice... I'm not sure I'm being childish or what... It's just what I really wanna say you know? One thing, if you ever do and put it as a secret for yourself, I'll really hate you for that. We are together as one, if you dare to put something to separate that 'one' I'll really.... will be very disappointed in you. I trust that you don't put any secrets between us oke? And your choice to vape is depending on yourself, but please don't always expect me to go your way. I'll always follow your decision, but in these kind of matter, no.

Love you.

21st June 2016

So... you were deciding weather or not should you go to Malacca with your 5 guys friend. Honestly I really don't want you to go, since all of them are guys. In the end... I guess you can't read me. I really wished to just skype and make myself feel better. I honestly feel very sads right now. My friends are going back to China and have fun.... Whereas me, I just stuck here alone. My plan of skyping you day and night is ruined.You know that all I want now is really just attention whole day? Just 1-2 days do this with me..... But everytime we can, you busy with assignment, or the most coincidental moment of holiday which you have to go out with your friends. I'm laughing right now. Because everything goes shit.I really feel like going nowhere right now. Darl.... you know i'm still not happy with you going out with 5 guys right? Why did you just accept so quickly before planning ahead ...?  And consider about my feelings....I really am disappointed with you right now. What ever decision I gave you, you always give me the opposite answer. How amusing. Bye darl. For I'm leaving my city.

21st June 2016

Well... hello darl. Nothing much to say... Just, I'm not in that very good mood though.

These days we skyped less cause you were busy. I'm fine with that actually, but I feel darl doesn't show me much affection as before.

I'm having my 2 weeks holiday now and I've been waiting for this moment to skype you as much as we can without having to look at the clock every single minute. Did you know? When I Skyped you during school days, I always cannot put my skype on fullscreen? I do that because I  always watch the clock at my taskbar so I won't be late for class. It is not comfortable to not skype you in fullscreen you know that?  But now when we can, darl ish busy. Not your fault tho... I'm just saying cause you know how much I hate when things I planned doesn't really work out.

Today, you told me first thing in the morning that you want to relax and told me to wait another 30 min. I was like.... is it.... not relaxing for you to skype me? I really donno though. You told me that you ish lazy to go and move around? (from your room to living room) that's why you wanna relax by watching youtube in your room? You told me something like that. You know? This may sound bad, but.... I actually never wanted to skype you in the morning. Now now, don't get alll worked up ye? I have reasons behind everything. It's just.... everytime I wake up at 8 in the morning, I really wish I could just not open my tired eyes you know? It's really pain for me to wake up by my alarm and text you and check your availability. Sometimes when you don't reply fast or messages got only 1 tick, I had to quickly move my legs down the floor and walk to computer eventhough I hate it. Try one day.... no no no. A  MONTH, wake up at 8 just to skype me. You'll feel the pain. So much pain that Skyping < Sleeping. But I always have to fight my sleepy side just to see you. My one and only motivation to wake up early and being tired everyday is the hope that darl would cheer me up. But truth to be told, it's not always guaranteed that you'll always make me happy. Sometimes I'm happy, and sometimes I sads because of what you expect me to be. I can't be very talkative all the time darl... So sometimes you've gotta be the one that talks alot in the convo... Every morning I always put the bet on you making me happy, you know that? So now you know.... how to ruin my day and make me sien of skyping you in the morning. You may have the want to relax at that time, but just to tell you, every morning I have to fight that similar feelings just to see you.

Darl said tomorrow you gonna go Malacca. I was sad. You know why? I wanted to have a fun and proper Skype with you. Most of these days, you browse browse stuff while skyping me, making me speechless. Even sometimes when I talk to you, halfway you just cut me off and go do something else. That's why today you said I ish quiet. I am tired darl. I am tired in the morning, and become more tired because when I use my morning energy to wake up and set up computer, and talk to you, you don't seem to appreciate it. Right now I'm kidda saying that it's your fault, but if it is really my fault to be quiet, please tell me, I would love to settle this problem in anyway peaceful. I'm that kind of person who would let the people I love to put the blame on me, so that problem solved faster. But sometimes I do fear that one person would think that it's always my fault in the end. And I'm afraid that you'll be that person. I'm really not good in saying who's right and who's wrong you know.... especially towards the people I love. It feels bad to say they wrong... because in the end I would exaggerate it and make them feel worst. In addition to the problems we have, you don;t remember this but, I asked you "Where you know?" 3 times and you did not answer my question. You were busy with your going Malacca group.... I find it weird le... Because for me, I respect every thing someone said/typed and I would go scroll up to check if missed anything. Other reason why I learned to respect what people text me is also because I rarely get any text. I appreciate any words that are given to me. If someone give me lots of questions in separate speech bubbles or in one big speech bubble, I would read everything and make sure I answered everything. In order to ask someone a question, a trust is given. Why would you ask questions to someone who won't answer? Haih. This happened before when you told me you only answer my last question. Until now, when I want to ask you questions, I prefer to ask you one by one, which I find it sien. I mean it is easier to I ask you in one go, and you answer me in one go. That's all....

Back to what happened... Even when you chat other groups or other people, if you gonna switch convo back to me, won't you see the notification that I replied you? I don't know you, but I do see that. When I switch back from different convos, even if I want to repost something to you, I would still check what you said or ask, and reply them all before I repost or start a new topic; so that I can still read what you typed. That's what you do as well, I asked you stuff, you repost me something from other convo, and usually you ignored what I typed above and start new stuff. Haih. Maybe that's the reason why I hate to text you while you text others.


Today you told me you going Malacca and you noticed that I said something dodgy and followed by a "ttyl". You told me that I'm being secretive, but I denied. The truth is, I am not feeling happy right now. I'm not happy with everything right now. Even your half day trip to Malacca. Because of those things that are happening between us, I actually wanted to isolate myself. Oh, I said I was gonna make strawberry sauce... which ofcourse I lied. I didn't want to tell you that straight cause later you no mood. Then is all my fault again. Sometimes I felt like I'm restrained to tell you some truth about what I feel. In the end you no mood, then it's my fault.... You know what? Yes, I am tired of thing right now. So... love you lots. Nights.

9th June 2016

Hello. Just now seemed like I made you mad. I just had a tiring and haih day... All I wanted to do is to get alot of attention. Darl always play phone and stuff.... Then I acted that I sads (I was too tried to play drama) and wanted to get your reactions. I always want you to spoil me you know? Like when I very demanding, I expect you to act properly and show that you lovey. We didn't skyped this morning, that's why I ish very misu and such. Well, I always thought you understand what to do when I change my act, I guess you don't. In the end you geram me. I feel so wrong and so WTF of myself. Just wanna get you off that phone or your Facebook, but in the end I kena. Might as well I don't seek attention from anyone anymore lol. I also realized that we get into this when I act In want attention. Maybe I should not be clingy to you AT ALL. Or maybe I expected too much from you?

Or maybe I'm just a loser. Can't be a chooser.

Love you.

21st May 2016

Hello the darl. It's so long since I wrote this letter thingy to you. This quarter really busy... Quiz after quiz...Exams after exams......I no likey no more. Me wanna just give it up and place my head on your lap and pat pat me and say "good boy". Hehehe

These days I don't really feel that much of a lonely now. Don't know why. Maybe I know more people? Or is it that you don't spend much time with your friends anymore because of your exams.  I always thought because I know more people, but in a way I feel the point 'spend less time with your friend' actually is the main reason. I don't really dig much into this topic anymore, cause I really tried of this problem. Just let it flow away. 

In my Grammar class, there are these group of people that acts so similarly like me. When I look at them, it's like looking at the younger me. I can't really tell you much how they act, but just imagine a group of younger me. Ehe. I went to makan pho with them yesterday, wasn't that bad the food. Well, sad thing is that I won't be seeing them much anymore, simply because we won't be in the same class anymore. Well, I never expect a joy that last long, so I guess it's just part of me life to enjoy things temporarily. Temporary, but doesn't mean they have to go permanently. Like the darl, our time together physically was temporary last year, but after we do this, it will be permanent. Right? You think so? ehehe.

Forgot to put this at the beginning. This letter doesn't contain any naughty stuff likey the previous one. I know it's sad, but no can do... cause I have no sexual story right now. ehe. 

Right now if you remember, you are in Kuching with your family. To be precise, you are sleeping as I'm typing these. You just went to the old dun and watch some performances for 4 hours. I didn't ask if you enjoyed it though. Most probably you are, ehe.

By the time you receive this letter, most probably it's already past half year anniversary of being together without physical contact. YAYYYY we made it quite far!!! Hehehehe. I ish happy. You happy? If you ish happy for the fact that we survived for more than half a year together without physical contact, draw your happiness here:

You have to show me what ever you draw. This drawing can be 'a pass' if you meet the criteria: 

-colored

-got love

-more love

-something cute

-draw yourself in it.

-what does that picture mean to you.

Hehehe. I look forward to your drawing ;)

Let's see... what is there for me to write about....

Darl, since half year already, let's talk about something that we don't feel... quite right about each other? (the matter must still exist)

I don't have much though, we get high doing stuff together, we love each other, we do this and that, we even plan for sex. Hehe. I guess.... maybe....gimmie 4 min. 

5 min later. There's one thing that popped in my head. ... So I guess, 

WARNING: IF THE DARL IS NOT IN THE MOOD TO LISTEN TO COMPLAINS, OR TOO TIRED TO PROCESS THINGS, IT'S RECOMMENDED NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER AND SAFE IT FOR NEXT TIME READ.

Sound like a heavy warning. XD Hahaha. I really don't like using blog to make emojis like XD. The serif font add edges to the emojis, make it look so.... formal? Hahahaha. Like :D the mouth.... honesly it looks better with edges for that emoji, it emphasizes the smile XD Not 'XD' though, the edges in the 'X' looks so weird. Hahaha.  So... let's get started.

As you see, I'm rather a sensitive person who feel like, whatever you have, I have the permission to it (except religious stuff ofcourse) ,vise versa. Sometimes if you don't allow me to have access to it even until future, I would consider myself not loved enough by you. I remember that time when I asked you if I can follow your tumblr? You said tumblr not 'meant' to have anyone to follow you? That is one thing that causes gap up between me and you. We kindda argued or discussed about it, but I don't really want to discuss it further cause the more the reason, the deeper you stab me with that knife. I... simply... don't care if the 'trend' of tumblr is to not have someone follow you? the fact that you put me into that 'trend' feels like as if you just close the door on me. We always talk about something deep, but if this is not resolved, why bother go so far? I've been trying to see how you see, so I can understand you and let go of the matter. But this thing simply.... don't get me anywhere. I'm that type of a person who lets his lover have the access to everything because that's how I show my love, and I want to be treated the same. Do you think I'm that person who easily let someone access his things? Well, you decide based on this fact, 'Even before I feel uncomfortable with Sheldon, I actually don't like him touching my phone, same goes to Jordan and James.' 

Usually when I type these things, I would end up with a nice conclusion of how I finally understand one other's perspective, but for this matter with you, it's still a dead end. Why though? I really have no idea why, not even the slightest. I assume this as one of the new thing that I never see in life. Let me try to see how you see, based on this tumblr problem.

1) Naughty posts? 

- We've been to naughty... So I think if I see that on your site... It it the same feeling as seeing you posting cat posts? Simply because it doesn't affect me no more.

2) Privacy?

-You have the other tumblr page where you post about your feelings. I was referring  to the one with your 'repost' tumblr only. I understand that the other one is more secret ( and you tell me we gonna access it one day together), so I let that go. Kindda like, as long as you say I can access or follow or anything in future with a privacy reason, I just let it go and wait. 

3) You just want to keep it with 0 followers?

- This one may be the reason? Do you have followers there tho? I don't know. Even so, am I like 'others' that I'm still not qualified for this? I can't tell. IF I have a blog or tumblr account full of something I like, and may contain a few NSFW....Of course I DO NOT want anyone to follow it. BUT in the case of you, I don't get why I would reject you to follow me. It just doesn't make any sense when I reject you out of it. 

4) Trend of not letting anyone you know to follow you? 

- Let me imagine if my deviantart have such a trend... I have few followers but no one I know. I have the account for years, making me used to it (of not having anyone I know to follow). I honestly feel that it will be weird if my friends beg me to follow. I would tell them over and over again 'No'. But for you, I just can't find the reason for me to say no. Because you my lover, you have the access to anything (not my blog tho). The blog is special case, because I want you read it with you in future. As I recall, you didn't mention anything about... letting me follow your tumblr anytime in future. All I remember is 'no'.

I really can't find it darl, for that one particular issue. I really can't see it. I can't see how I won't let you access anything of me. The one and most obvious reason out is 'not enough love'. But I don't really think that's the problem at all. There's is just something you need to shed light upon for me to understand you. Explain to me nicely, I'll listen and try my best to understand you in anyway. You are one special and naisu girl, some things you really need to explain to me okay? 

This thing came out because I was thinking about you bear doll. Just recently I joked that I if he is your 'daughter'.... erh?... erh?....erh?.... you said... that doll is he.... but you call him your daughter?.... I'm pretty sure I did not hear wrong.... so.. is it guy a girl?... Half also can la. haha.

So I joked around and say that if he/she is your daughter, means it is also mine. Then you strictly replied, no. Because he/she is yours and not shared to me at all. Well, one thing first, I don't have any intention to take over your doll in any angle. You said you gonna murder me if I take it from you. The way you pronounce your 'murder' sounds... cold? I don't know, maybe my life is not as important as your doll? Hahaha. It sounds like as if I can just to hell with it than I can even hug or touch the doll. Maybe my death is not much compare to that? Who knows? You always surprise me a lot anyway. I'm not here to argue if I can have the doll la, it's just your reply for that, sounds like, as if our relationship is temporary in the case with your doll. Maybe it's just morning that why I sensitive? I'm fully awake right now and still think about your replies. What you said doesn't sound like play play, doesn't sound normal basically. Which in a way... I'm.. kindda scared? You'll tell me it's nothing... but I can actually relate your behavioral change to something... supernatural? I may sound off... but when you said something about 'aura', I kind of... not wanting to play or joke around anymore? I notice your behavior changes suddenly from that... like... I don't know.....

Let's out the 'supernatural' thing away. Well.. when you say you gonna murder me if I hug it or take it away ( my take it away mean just hug it infront of you, not running away with a car), sounds like.... you really did creep me out. Honestly speaking, I do not like the word murder to be joked around us. I really feel like, in just that instance, our tonnes of happy memory got dissolved just by one small act. That's human ofcourse...Just one misunderstood, all the happy memories are in danger. But one happy memory would not dissolve all the other sad memories. Imagine our plans of the future, the happy happy plans, like going around the world, live together and stuff, got corroded by that one matter..... I'm trying to detect if I'm overthinking. But if I overthink, I do give out some symptoms. Most likely is fear and the wants to discuss it badly. I'm in none, I'm really calm, but just... felt weird.

Talk about your doll only, I just thought that if you would share that with me, it means to me that you really have your childhood accepted me. Some lovers, they are happy couples, but either one or both conceals their childhood, for their childself do not accept the other person yet, or may never. If you would share the doll with me, I would feel... like your younger self would accept me? It would really make me happy you know that? I'm not sure if you understand about this childhood thing. If it doesn't, think about it further, want to discuss about it? We can discuss about it right after you read this. I give example, if I don't accept you to my childhood, I will tell you that I'll never want to show you my hometown. Just like that. My present self accepted you, what about the past? 

You might wonder why is this important to me tho? Why do I want you to give me the access to everything? Simple, my goal in relationship is to love one another COMPLETELY. When I say completely, means everything. I want to prove myself that perfect relationship does exist, and it is now up to you to prove it to me. If you want me to have my life ended one day with no such believe, that's fine by me, but happy or not, the answer is obvious. Why I search for such relationship tho? What benefit would it bring to us? Well, one thing, we can cross out 'being uncomfortable in any way' out of the problems that every married or not married couples always face. Many couples always feel like, 'oh I can't show this to him, I can't let him know this, I cant' blah blah blah'. I want to eradicate that problem from us. I want us to get comfortable in everything. You many not ever experience this because, firstly, I'm your first and will be the final guy you'll be with in your life, and lastly, I actually let you access a lot of things almost immediately because I don't want you to feel sad and uncomfortable with me. 

So about that tumblr and doll thing, I honestly still feel incomplete with you. Until then, I'll just keep this matter in my closed case. I'll open it when the time is right. Darl, sometimes I don't feel fair because it's hard for me to say no to you, but it is easy for you to say no to me. You asked me before, 'Why am I not tired of you?'. Sometimes.... I really am. Like sometimes how you treat me differently ( in a way I don't really like) when I gave you the obvious signs that I want you to treat me like how I treat you? I always give you many signs that I want you to treat me the same as how I treat you in some things. Like accessibility, I always give you sign that I let you have access anything of me, and I would like you to do the same, but instead you didn't. I'm not referring to private parts because one day in far future, it's something that we will definitely do. I'm only referring to your doll and your tumblr for now. I guess until the day you say 'You can', I'll finally be able to feel more at ease. 98.9% at ease is not 100% for me. I want to strive for 'perfect'. 

So darl. That's all to it now. I'm going back to sleep. Darl, what I really want to tell you is that... I want you to give me ways so I can access everything of you, instead of 'murder', 'no' and 'reason of no and no, without telling me any possible way to overcome it.' It's really, in a way for other couples as nothing, but in our relationship, I'm still going to make a stand for myself. Whether you like it or not... it's really my policy to make everything perfect between us. And so far we have been doing good, and I wish to make it even better for both of us. There's a saying, 'Something may require scars, to make a better future.' Simply means, even though we don't like to do it, we still have to do it IF we want to archive something better.  

So, love you lots darl. Please give me your opinion nicely to me darl. Don't scold me okay? Don't say bad about me okay? Please don't say my remark is childish... you other approach if you think it is, because saying my remark is childish makes me a person who is scared to give opinions. :( These are my opinions (some facts) about us....No marah ye? Ehe. As you can see the obvious mark here, it shows that I'm really scared of you after giving my opinions.... I actually always do this to you, so.... I don't know if you already know it or not. We discuss it nicely ye? So that we can avoid biased remarks.. Love you lots. Be safe me love. Stay healthy. Byee~

 Below are actually some thing I always want to archive long ago when we still new in relationship. Please cross out the one that you already let me in.  

1) I have the access to your full body.

2) I can sleep with you.

3) I can have the access to your room (your permission)

4) I have access to any of your tumblr or blog.

5) Whatever you make, crochet or sewing or anything like that. I want a copy for myself. 

6) I can hug Charlie.

________________________________                                 ________________________________

The darl ish sign here if he still loves darl alot.          The darl ish sign here ONLY if all the above is                                                                                        crossed, and also loved the darl.

11th April 2016 (5 min after previous post)

Darl. you told me that you are going to climb hill and view the sunrise.... and you didn't tell me prior time because you forgot.... I really hate it when you suddenly go out for trip like that you know?..

Not hate in bad way... just... ask me permission please.. make me feel that I'm in that trip as well... So that I can feel like you tagged me along in a way. Haih. I know you didn't know any about this, but I'll definitely tell you soon. I just felt if you just do that, I won't like any picture that you are going to gimmie. That's just who I am. I just.... want in a way tag me along with you. You just told me the day before going whereas you planned it for a week already. This time I really feel very detached from your trip. I guess... Don't expect me to be very happy about this matter.

I actually thought I were the type to ask permission just to make me feel in part with you....

I'm not that type to randomly inviting myself.

I know that I ish very cham person... but... haih

I know you feel like... why should you even do that? Asking permission and stuff? Why can't I just feel like always invited by you?

I'm not that simple darl.... Sorry. Guys are actually complicated, but we don't make matter bizarre.

By doing so... I can really feel that journey with you.

Love you.