As a creative species that dominated the whole world, I, a human, would always chase to understand myself better. Who am I? How did I get to be who I am today? How are these little things called experiences made me who I am? How do I fit into this world? Getting to know myself is one thing, but to maintain my love with Joan is way more important.
In search of ways to understand myself, the world and to have a better way in a relationship, I always refer to myself as a third person. How would this half idiot would fit in his life better? Just like GTA, how can I make this character to obtain a sports car and a dope home?
I can't do this by myself. I need to have someone to discuss these problems that I've observed throughout my entire life. I want to find the answer to all of these behavioral pattern without the help of books by expert. Though it doesn't do me a purpose, I felt like it was an instinctual thing to do. I want to find these patterns. Are these patterns in the life that I've been observing an instinctual thing that is in most of young males because of evolutionary reasons?
For that, I need a support from Joan.
However, the more I seek these patterns, the more I felt that Joan is less... I really can't express that word. Though, I had a slight feeling that she starts to see my ideas as nothing but a fabrication that I randomly make. The only prove I've got is that, the more I discuss this with her, the more I felt that I'm being treated as a kid who talks garbage and thinks that kid knows everything. Why? She gets colder towards me, I really felt that she treating me more like my mom. My mom would never believe what I would say. The more complex the conversation go, the more she would think I talk non-sense; therefore, see me as an utter idiot who is like nothing but a child. Ever watch the cartoon Family Guy? Yep, I felt like I'm the Stewie, trying to say something right to my mom and Joan (who are Louis), but all I get was "you are so cute."
As a matter of fact, I found the missing word that I couldn't think of just a few moments ago. Joan did not grow "less," but more like being constant. All I did, was finding her weaknesses in taking care of this idiot boy of hers. Just a year ago, I thought things were well between us, like we went through the whole year without seeing each other because we solved every problem we encountered. But apparently, not many were solved, but it was rather me, who never complained about her mistakes.
All I though was the perfect relationship, was actually a hidden unpleasant aria.
Sunday, 25 June 2017
Friday, 14 October 2016
14th October 2016
Hazard: Stubborn and selfish.
Hello. I find it funny though, everytime I write this blog thing, it's always about me feelings sad or unhappy about us.
Today's one is nothing in particular. Simple matter, me releasing gas on times of indigestion. From this though, I begin to recall something about you. You do not wish to change your traumatic things for me.
You keep repeating to tell me that you will never ever want to learn. To be honest, I find it a very disgusting statement. I couldn't tell you straight in face because I might hurt your feelings or whatso ever. I however, respect your feelings about this.
What saddens me is the fact that there are things that you won't even do for me. I can just imagine myself being in a condition that you don't like, instead of helping, you run away from me. If I were you, I wouldn't mind because I love you. But of course, that is if you were me. What makes me even sad for today is when you told me "I hated you for that" when I have been telling you to make me happy. Is it fun I ask you? Repeating something about hate between us? Is it so traumatic that you can just say something like that to me?
This is all my fault anyway. I expected too much of lovers sometimes. I always expect the people that I love to treat me the same as how I treat them. You have your own choice and you made your stand. But even me, I wouldn't spew out "I hated you for that", " Don't make me hated you for that again". Why do you need to repeat yourself?....
You told me with a serious face, which makes me feel really shocked. How could you? I have some things that I hated you for before. After learning that we should not ever talk about something we hated about, so what I did is to learn and change it as much as I can. I always try my best to eliminate something that I find hateful into something ignorable. When you get that from me, you complain it to me, when I get it, I prefer to just change by myself without trying to argue most of the time. From my blurred perspective right now, I feel like I always change what I don't like about you all the time, making you feel like there's nothing I dislike for. But when there's something that you dislike me for, you straight tell me not to do, instead of doing what I do.
To how certain extend do you love me? That's the real question for now. Really. Till to the point of trauma only? Not beyond that? Not like what I expected?
Actually, you are fine. I think is because I always idealizing you as my "perfect" girl. I want to feel happy in this life for assuming that you are my new "perfect" girl. All these things really taught me something. I never believed the fact that lovers cannot love and accept each other 100%, but I guess, I have to put it down as a new fact. In addition to that, I can also assume that, you won't be there with me at a complete 100% of my time; for 0.000001% you are going to let your believe out and push me away. Of course I won't tell you this. I'm sick of having to skype you with me having to feel like this everytime. If you sad, I get the blames. Why is it that it is easy for you to open you mouth but not me?.... You know I really cannot make you sad..
If you want to know how I can change my thinking of hate towards you into something ignorable, this is what I usually think: Life is already susah. Why need to put more factors of susah into life again? We can minimize it, but not eradicate it.
To think about it now. I think the main thing that I'm sad of is realizing that you can't always be there with me under certain condition that is applied to me.
P.S. I was happy in skype until you repeat "I hated you for that", I close eyes and acted smile. Actually you destroyed my smile and I felt even worst.
Hello. I find it funny though, everytime I write this blog thing, it's always about me feelings sad or unhappy about us.
Today's one is nothing in particular. Simple matter, me releasing gas on times of indigestion. From this though, I begin to recall something about you. You do not wish to change your traumatic things for me.
You keep repeating to tell me that you will never ever want to learn. To be honest, I find it a very disgusting statement. I couldn't tell you straight in face because I might hurt your feelings or whatso ever. I however, respect your feelings about this.
What saddens me is the fact that there are things that you won't even do for me. I can just imagine myself being in a condition that you don't like, instead of helping, you run away from me. If I were you, I wouldn't mind because I love you. But of course, that is if you were me. What makes me even sad for today is when you told me "I hated you for that" when I have been telling you to make me happy. Is it fun I ask you? Repeating something about hate between us? Is it so traumatic that you can just say something like that to me?
This is all my fault anyway. I expected too much of lovers sometimes. I always expect the people that I love to treat me the same as how I treat them. You have your own choice and you made your stand. But even me, I wouldn't spew out "I hated you for that", " Don't make me hated you for that again". Why do you need to repeat yourself?....
You told me with a serious face, which makes me feel really shocked. How could you? I have some things that I hated you for before. After learning that we should not ever talk about something we hated about, so what I did is to learn and change it as much as I can. I always try my best to eliminate something that I find hateful into something ignorable. When you get that from me, you complain it to me, when I get it, I prefer to just change by myself without trying to argue most of the time. From my blurred perspective right now, I feel like I always change what I don't like about you all the time, making you feel like there's nothing I dislike for. But when there's something that you dislike me for, you straight tell me not to do, instead of doing what I do.
To how certain extend do you love me? That's the real question for now. Really. Till to the point of trauma only? Not beyond that? Not like what I expected?
Actually, you are fine. I think is because I always idealizing you as my "perfect" girl. I want to feel happy in this life for assuming that you are my new "perfect" girl. All these things really taught me something. I never believed the fact that lovers cannot love and accept each other 100%, but I guess, I have to put it down as a new fact. In addition to that, I can also assume that, you won't be there with me at a complete 100% of my time; for 0.000001% you are going to let your believe out and push me away. Of course I won't tell you this. I'm sick of having to skype you with me having to feel like this everytime. If you sad, I get the blames. Why is it that it is easy for you to open you mouth but not me?.... You know I really cannot make you sad..
If you want to know how I can change my thinking of hate towards you into something ignorable, this is what I usually think: Life is already susah. Why need to put more factors of susah into life again? We can minimize it, but not eradicate it.
To think about it now. I think the main thing that I'm sad of is realizing that you can't always be there with me under certain condition that is applied to me.
P.S. I was happy in skype until you repeat "I hated you for that", I close eyes and acted smile. Actually you destroyed my smile and I felt even worst.
Tuesday, 27 September 2016
27th Sep 2016. 12:59 AM
So, you finally came back from Penang trip and we skyped for the first time in weeks. Eventhough I was doing my work, I don't mind giving the time up to skype with you. Hey, happy mind makes us more motivated right?
I'm happy to see you again, and so do you. You have so many untold and forgotten stories that isn't shared to me yet. Due to exams and etc. Like how much you are closer with your friends now, without updating me little minor stuffs like you did before makes me feel distant from you. It's like... I really feel like I don't know the now you, which really disturbs me. I really wished that you can tell me small things in your days eventhough they are boring. I really want to keep up with your life, you know that? For example, I really wish that you can send me all of your snap stories, as it makes me feel special. I guess, it's very hard for you to do it right? Having the need to click my name everytime you send a story. It's already obvious from the start when I request for that, you told me to just look up your own story. This is where I always notice the difference in between us. I can admit that I'm the type to really do what ever you tell me to do that helps you to feel better or happier so that our relationship from your perspective is always good. If I'm really a heavy snapchat user and you request me to send you everything that I send, I will never say no. I'm used to make people happy by doing more work, and making people happy seems to make me even happier. You are like this as well right? Then why simple things like what I requested cannot be fulfilled? I admit that I'm the type of person who desires special attention in order to feel happy about our relationship. I know I'm special to you. But... right now, because of all the degrading of good relationship perspective from me I really need your special attention. To be honest, I really scared to ask you this. Later you say I'm spoilt and come to hate the me who is just seeking attention for love. And then you sad, and then our conversation becomes dull and haih. I already have enough workload from school, so I really don' want to deal with this.
Our first skype.... Expected nice and relaxing skype with you, but you keep singing that apple pen blah blah pineapple pen, which is rather annoying for me. But oh wells, darl is darl. I just wondered though, what if I said "I'm going to mute you if you sing again", something you always tell me when I'm annoying. Will you be sads?
I was honestly felt really excited to tell you about my day... Because telling someone about my day is really something that I rarely talk to others but like to do. I only have a few people who I talk about my days with darl. But guess what, halfway you slept. Honestly, in my point of view, telling someone story and fall asleep without notice is extremely rude. I love you okay? But still, please treat my boring story some respect. If you sleepy, tell me you are sleepy and may not be able to hear my full story. I'll rather hear that rather than wasting my voice to no one.
Well... I would rate this first skype horrible. As if I really want to erase this memory and start over again.
Love you.
P.s. from what i feel right now. I wished i hadnt skyped you today....
Wednesday, 7 September 2016
7th September 2016
Dear darl.
I do not have much right now. I just told you i'm going to sleep, but in actual fact I don't. These days we don't skype as much, which makes me feel a bit detached in feelings. It's just I feel so not updated by your days, even thought it's all full of studies only.
I really remember that you told me about watching train to bushan together, but in the end you watch with your sister and others; cause you say I wanted to watch with you, but you did not mention about agreeing to me. However that is false. You were the one who introduced me to this movie, I don't recall getting you into these kind of movies at all. LET'S SAY what you said was true, even so, why don't you agree straight with me? I don't get it, really. We don't have much activities to do together, and when this can be one, you did not agree to it. The last time we watch movie together 'Me before you' was horribly distracted by the police and parties. I really want to watch movies with you... don't you know that?... That activity could atleast cover up the feeling of watching movie together with you.
Sometimes I wonder if you do exactly know what I'm really feeling. People who are close tend to say they know one another, but they don't. Their thinkings had already been taken to a level where they are being superior of one to another. It's funny isn't it, if someone says "I know you are thinking about.........", but in actual fact the other partner doesn't even have the slight idea of what the "close" partner just mentioned. It is relatively common in people who thinks they dominated over the another. And when the true fact comes, the person will get into denial, saying the facts are lies.
So, let me ask you, just now in skype, you know I'm sad like this :< Are you sure it's like that? Or is it like this :| actually (disappointed to a level where each individual won't argue to anything). That's why I call it a night. I don't want to argue with you. I see no point, really. You'll still go to watch that movie, and you keep to your own senses that I feel is false and deny to what ever statement I'm going to say. It's not your fault, it's human nature, we follow our senses. My senses are telling me to end call you to avoid argument, so that you can enjoy your night. All this lonely man hope is for you to not always trust your senses directly, always doubt. Rene Descartes, a philosopher, mentioned "We cannot trust our senses, as they are influenced by factors." Therefore he mentioned that we have to doubt every memories we had and make sure they are correct by consulting someone we can trust before saying it out loud.
The train movie? Be it good or bad, I won't watch the movie. Thank you.
P.S. I honestly been thinking why most of the time you go to cinema, I always be the one here feeling sad. Is it worth it?
Friday, 5 August 2016
5th August 2016
Hi there... It's been a while since I write here. Today you told me that your friends are celebrating your birthday. I honestly feel happy for you while having myself to be very jealous. I mean, imagine to have friends and chat around while celebrating your birthday, isn't that fun? I didn't have that for quite awhile already. I have my birthday celebrated many times in the past compared to you, I guess now it goes other way round.
This summer so far devastated my mental. From unexpected results, to unnecessary stress, to unexpected problems.... There are too many. Let me try to recall the times that made me pissed off.
1. You going out with group of guys to Malacca. From here I learned you are not the type of actually care about my feels? I kindda think you are the type to expect me to be happy when I'm not. I do understand that you have to go adventure, if not you become sad and trapped in the house. You know that going out town with bunch if guys only is what I don't like. Yet you still go without trying to convince me to be happy and make me feel like I'm in part of your trip. When I said about this 'permission' idea, straight away you think that I'm restraining you like a father, when all I want is to receive updates from your adventure and share share your day. I don't get it. Isn't this what normal couple should be doing?
2. Taking wrong classes and high expectation for myself. Took hard class in short quarter is bad (referring to philosophy). Took a bad and hard online class where I sometimes couldn't understand what the question was (not clear). Listening to music especially. How the heck are we supposed to know 'Which one sounds scary'. We have our own perspective, I hear the cello plays creepy sound, but the answer is the violin that plays it. This quarter makes me learn that no matter how hard I learn for certain subjects, as long as my skills are not good enough for that subject, I'm just a sole looser who took the poison candy. I always think of getting perfect results. If I don't I stress like hell. Every week I have to do all those weird listening exercises hoping I could get 100% , which nowadays I seem to have fail at. I guess this is what the meaning of 'don't care about good result' supposed to mean.
3. When I thought that I won't have anymore English exams anymore, behold, IETLS. I really find this a stressing matter. Grammars/Vocab is what I hate, and I have to be tested for that. Just what? Why?
4. You going to Penang. I was so stressed until the day you said you are going with YM. Before knowing that, I already felt so much anger in me. I did mention that you have to ask this 'permission' from me but you take it like a joke. I kind of ignore it because it was out of my thoughts. Why would I even ask you to ask if you don't actually take this properly. What happened is you straight away have the trip without asking me, and when I remind you about it, you asked me if you could go. But before I answer you fully, you potong me and talk about something else, which leads you to have a roadtrip with a guy I don't know. Just wow. I felt much better in the end of course. But you'll be staying by yourself... which I'm still quite worried about.
5. Realizing that most probably no one will care about my birthday this year. Hearing that lemon invited others for your birthday is a good news to me; however like what I mentioned up there, I'm really jealous. You asked me if it's okay to hand feed them, said it's okay, followed by telling you I'm 'skull' inside already. In the end I told you it's just a joke, but I do feel quite numb. Numb means I don't really feel much anymore. Because those things happened to far, I really felt so haih till I don't care. Honestly speaking, why are you sad when I tell you I'm dead inside?
It's a honest statement actually. Why do you have to be sad for a honest statement that I repeat myself over and over again? I don't get it really. You know I have a bad quarter and bad moments, isn't it natural for me to be very sad? Instead of you sad, why not make me happy? I've been waiting for you to actually make me happy when I say that to you.
All these numbs I think is called ignorance. Because honestly I have been very ignorance towards things these days. When you told me that you can't skype, I don't feel sad. When you have things to do that I don't really like, I just say okay and just go. Ofcourse things like going out with guys will still affect me, but if right now, most probably I'll take it as another shit of the summer and move on. Being 'dead inside' seem to make me less sad and makes you more free. So why are you not agree with that? I'm not gonna ask you this, but I'll give you hints as we go along.
For now, I'll just play nice because your birthday is soon.
Love you.
This summer so far devastated my mental. From unexpected results, to unnecessary stress, to unexpected problems.... There are too many. Let me try to recall the times that made me pissed off.
1. You going out with group of guys to Malacca. From here I learned you are not the type of actually care about my feels? I kindda think you are the type to expect me to be happy when I'm not. I do understand that you have to go adventure, if not you become sad and trapped in the house. You know that going out town with bunch if guys only is what I don't like. Yet you still go without trying to convince me to be happy and make me feel like I'm in part of your trip. When I said about this 'permission' idea, straight away you think that I'm restraining you like a father, when all I want is to receive updates from your adventure and share share your day. I don't get it. Isn't this what normal couple should be doing?
2. Taking wrong classes and high expectation for myself. Took hard class in short quarter is bad (referring to philosophy). Took a bad and hard online class where I sometimes couldn't understand what the question was (not clear). Listening to music especially. How the heck are we supposed to know 'Which one sounds scary'. We have our own perspective, I hear the cello plays creepy sound, but the answer is the violin that plays it. This quarter makes me learn that no matter how hard I learn for certain subjects, as long as my skills are not good enough for that subject, I'm just a sole looser who took the poison candy. I always think of getting perfect results. If I don't I stress like hell. Every week I have to do all those weird listening exercises hoping I could get 100% , which nowadays I seem to have fail at. I guess this is what the meaning of 'don't care about good result' supposed to mean.
3. When I thought that I won't have anymore English exams anymore, behold, IETLS. I really find this a stressing matter. Grammars/Vocab is what I hate, and I have to be tested for that. Just what? Why?
4. You going to Penang. I was so stressed until the day you said you are going with YM. Before knowing that, I already felt so much anger in me. I did mention that you have to ask this 'permission' from me but you take it like a joke. I kind of ignore it because it was out of my thoughts. Why would I even ask you to ask if you don't actually take this properly. What happened is you straight away have the trip without asking me, and when I remind you about it, you asked me if you could go. But before I answer you fully, you potong me and talk about something else, which leads you to have a roadtrip with a guy I don't know. Just wow. I felt much better in the end of course. But you'll be staying by yourself... which I'm still quite worried about.
5. Realizing that most probably no one will care about my birthday this year. Hearing that lemon invited others for your birthday is a good news to me; however like what I mentioned up there, I'm really jealous. You asked me if it's okay to hand feed them, said it's okay, followed by telling you I'm 'skull' inside already. In the end I told you it's just a joke, but I do feel quite numb. Numb means I don't really feel much anymore. Because those things happened to far, I really felt so haih till I don't care. Honestly speaking, why are you sad when I tell you I'm dead inside?
It's a honest statement actually. Why do you have to be sad for a honest statement that I repeat myself over and over again? I don't get it really. You know I have a bad quarter and bad moments, isn't it natural for me to be very sad? Instead of you sad, why not make me happy? I've been waiting for you to actually make me happy when I say that to you.
All these numbs I think is called ignorance. Because honestly I have been very ignorance towards things these days. When you told me that you can't skype, I don't feel sad. When you have things to do that I don't really like, I just say okay and just go. Ofcourse things like going out with guys will still affect me, but if right now, most probably I'll take it as another shit of the summer and move on. Being 'dead inside' seem to make me less sad and makes you more free. So why are you not agree with that? I'm not gonna ask you this, but I'll give you hints as we go along.
For now, I'll just play nice because your birthday is soon.
Love you.
Friday, 1 July 2016
1st July 2016
Hi darl. Something just opened my mind today after we discuss about a certain topic. So it goes like this. I asked you if I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you. Instead of you going in lovely like how I always want, you said 'Maybe.' You then added on 'Fall out of love', 'Disappointed in you' and 'death'.
Talking about if I 'gone', you said that you are going to one day find someone new and then you are going to do more stuff with him than with me; which I always thought you know that I do not like to discuss about. I always then imagine you with someone else, which pisses me a lot.
I always thought our relationship is that special, where we literally can't find a perfect love anymore after that. I'd most probably find someone, but will not experience the love like ever again. Basically I do stuff just to continue my generation, not love. I believe that every thing that I got until today comes from the lord himself. I'm pretty sure that he build me life up to today. I felt so much happiness for these years that I really can tell everything is all planned by himself. Just imagine to topple very thing off, what would have become of me? Love is the problem that I always had since young, but now it seem to progress very well. If that happens to go down, don't expect me to go the same. REMEMBER, my mental state is not very strong. Everyone's significant affects me as long as I'm living; whereas my significance only affects others as long as I'm breathing. You keep mentioning that I'll forget about you someday if something were to happen. Truth to be told, that is you, not me. You say we all the same, yes , we are MOSTLY, the same. There are things that we are not the same because of our mental properties. I can see something you can't see, and vice versa.
I REALLY always thought we are that couple that is very perfect, where if I asked you if we are going to be forever, your answer will always be 'yes', not 'maybe' or 'depends'. I HATE THOSE PERSPECTIVES. One of my motto is, "It will happen if you say 'yes', and no when you say 'no' or 'maybe'." I hate to continue this, but it's really what's in my head right now. How much of not a significant I am to you, as someone that can to be forgotten one day. It's not your fault, people always say to move on. I moved on from many thing, but never forget the feelings and passions. I can't blame you for who you are anyway.
I wrote alot because I remember that you told me if I'm gone, you'll live alone with cat. I actually took that very serious :/ I always thought our love is that strong. So much of everything that I thought you won't fall of someone else. I guess all those feelings are fake? Just a sugarcoat to this merely stereotypical relationship that can be seen everywhere?
I really feel.... rather disappointed. Not in you, but in this world overall. How much my existent won't be seen after I'm gone. I just... always have this thought of our relationship being so clingy to each other... Until those became a fact in me.
Can you just..... be that girl who just say yes to make me feel better? I'm thousands of miles away from you, don't say some 'truths' or anything to break my picture of this relationship.... Can you just say yes to everything I say for now? You can shoot me all the truth when we meet again yea? Haih, that's the one thing I'm kindda still disappointed in you.
ONE THING, DON'T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT YOUR IMAGINARY MR A AND MR B DOING STUFF WITH YOU. I DON'T CARE IF THEY ARE IMAGINARY, DOING STUFF WITH YOU MEANS DOING STUFF WITH YOU. I still don't get it though.Why do you have to add on the conversation at that moment with 'doing more far things'.
I guess my mom was right after all, she said if one day you leave me, you'll go on like I'm forgotten.
Unlike me who won't feel the same.
Love you.
Talking about if I 'gone', you said that you are going to one day find someone new and then you are going to do more stuff with him than with me; which I always thought you know that I do not like to discuss about. I always then imagine you with someone else, which pisses me a lot.
I always thought our relationship is that special, where we literally can't find a perfect love anymore after that. I'd most probably find someone, but will not experience the love like ever again. Basically I do stuff just to continue my generation, not love. I believe that every thing that I got until today comes from the lord himself. I'm pretty sure that he build me life up to today. I felt so much happiness for these years that I really can tell everything is all planned by himself. Just imagine to topple very thing off, what would have become of me? Love is the problem that I always had since young, but now it seem to progress very well. If that happens to go down, don't expect me to go the same. REMEMBER, my mental state is not very strong. Everyone's significant affects me as long as I'm living; whereas my significance only affects others as long as I'm breathing. You keep mentioning that I'll forget about you someday if something were to happen. Truth to be told, that is you, not me. You say we all the same, yes , we are MOSTLY, the same. There are things that we are not the same because of our mental properties. I can see something you can't see, and vice versa.
I REALLY always thought we are that couple that is very perfect, where if I asked you if we are going to be forever, your answer will always be 'yes', not 'maybe' or 'depends'. I HATE THOSE PERSPECTIVES. One of my motto is, "It will happen if you say 'yes', and no when you say 'no' or 'maybe'." I hate to continue this, but it's really what's in my head right now. How much of not a significant I am to you, as someone that can to be forgotten one day. It's not your fault, people always say to move on. I moved on from many thing, but never forget the feelings and passions. I can't blame you for who you are anyway.
I wrote alot because I remember that you told me if I'm gone, you'll live alone with cat. I actually took that very serious :/ I always thought our love is that strong. So much of everything that I thought you won't fall of someone else. I guess all those feelings are fake? Just a sugarcoat to this merely stereotypical relationship that can be seen everywhere?
I really feel.... rather disappointed. Not in you, but in this world overall. How much my existent won't be seen after I'm gone. I just... always have this thought of our relationship being so clingy to each other... Until those became a fact in me.
Can you just..... be that girl who just say yes to make me feel better? I'm thousands of miles away from you, don't say some 'truths' or anything to break my picture of this relationship.... Can you just say yes to everything I say for now? You can shoot me all the truth when we meet again yea? Haih, that's the one thing I'm kindda still disappointed in you.
ONE THING, DON'T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT YOUR IMAGINARY MR A AND MR B DOING STUFF WITH YOU. I DON'T CARE IF THEY ARE IMAGINARY, DOING STUFF WITH YOU MEANS DOING STUFF WITH YOU. I still don't get it though.Why do you have to add on the conversation at that moment with 'doing more far things'.
I guess my mom was right after all, she said if one day you leave me, you'll go on like I'm forgotten.
Unlike me who won't feel the same.
Love you.
Monday, 27 June 2016
27th June 2016
Hello darl. Writing this cause I misu. Darl ish having flu, wish i could be there to jaga darl.
Me love, when you shared to your girl friends about this cute angmo guy, I began to have this one thinking. You still share guys in social media and praise them? It's not wrong, it's just I really didn't think you would still do. I know like how guys always share sexy girls around their social things, but I though after relationship, all of that has to stop? Cause like me, I don't share girls no more after I had you. I also have never seen any women that are married sharing those pictures in their social media. (Actually, one of the requirement that I have for my girl is the type that not to post random people and say they are cute or handsome) I really don't feel right at all actually. Like it feels to say there's someone better than me. I know that in our relationship, we are free to talk about the truth. But when I actually wished you to praise me more and say something like 'he is not much la' or anything that would make me feel better than that guy, you didn't. (I actually wanted to click 'hide post' on that share, but scare if it would hide everything else you are going to share).
I'm not writing this because I very jealous or something, it's just I really expect you to be like who I am alittle. I know you love me yea? But there's some actions that if you take, you must properly face the consequences. For me, IF I ever post a sexy girl, if you complain or say something, I'll always praise you as you are better than her. I actually said "I'm not as cute as him." And instead of you telling me "you are always better", you said "you are who you are." You really have to learn how to use 'white lie' sometimes. I think you start to share hot guys because you said your 5 guy friends always post random girls, and in which, you may have gotten influenced by them. I actually had never seen you sharing a random guy and act as those normal girls and start to call them handsome and cute. If those 5 guys really did influenced you, I really am getting vexed by them. I say that cause I don't know them, and they always do something that make me jelly and sads and much of those events where you told me to get used to them.
This is my confession actually... I actually expects you to treat me like how I treat you. I know the moments where it can make you feel abit sad, and I always try my best to remove it instead of defending it, instead of saying that it is normal to do such thing. I don't find anything 'normal' that includes making you jelly or sads. I really wish you could just understand the fact that I'm very weak hearted when far away from you, instead of telling me to get used to you all the time. I easily feel sads from small changes and stuffs you know that? If this happens when I'm next to you, I'll be just meh and bully you abit. Atleast for now.... can you just.... always praise me more, instead of telling me 'you are yourself', which automatically will make myself to hate myself more.
I'm not like who I am before, remember that. I'll be back to my old self when we start living together. Honestly though, I may not be high maintenance person in terms of cash, BUT I AM IN TERMS OF EMOTIONAL AND FEELS. Maybe that's new to you. Can't always expect me to change all the time.
Love you.
Me love, when you shared to your girl friends about this cute angmo guy, I began to have this one thinking. You still share guys in social media and praise them? It's not wrong, it's just I really didn't think you would still do. I know like how guys always share sexy girls around their social things, but I though after relationship, all of that has to stop? Cause like me, I don't share girls no more after I had you. I also have never seen any women that are married sharing those pictures in their social media. (Actually, one of the requirement that I have for my girl is the type that not to post random people and say they are cute or handsome) I really don't feel right at all actually. Like it feels to say there's someone better than me. I know that in our relationship, we are free to talk about the truth. But when I actually wished you to praise me more and say something like 'he is not much la' or anything that would make me feel better than that guy, you didn't. (I actually wanted to click 'hide post' on that share, but scare if it would hide everything else you are going to share).
I'm not writing this because I very jealous or something, it's just I really expect you to be like who I am alittle. I know you love me yea? But there's some actions that if you take, you must properly face the consequences. For me, IF I ever post a sexy girl, if you complain or say something, I'll always praise you as you are better than her. I actually said "I'm not as cute as him." And instead of you telling me "you are always better", you said "you are who you are." You really have to learn how to use 'white lie' sometimes. I think you start to share hot guys because you said your 5 guy friends always post random girls, and in which, you may have gotten influenced by them. I actually had never seen you sharing a random guy and act as those normal girls and start to call them handsome and cute. If those 5 guys really did influenced you, I really am getting vexed by them. I say that cause I don't know them, and they always do something that make me jelly and sads and much of those events where you told me to get used to them.
This is my confession actually... I actually expects you to treat me like how I treat you. I know the moments where it can make you feel abit sad, and I always try my best to remove it instead of defending it, instead of saying that it is normal to do such thing. I don't find anything 'normal' that includes making you jelly or sads. I really wish you could just understand the fact that I'm very weak hearted when far away from you, instead of telling me to get used to you all the time. I easily feel sads from small changes and stuffs you know that? If this happens when I'm next to you, I'll be just meh and bully you abit. Atleast for now.... can you just.... always praise me more, instead of telling me 'you are yourself', which automatically will make myself to hate myself more.
I'm not like who I am before, remember that. I'll be back to my old self when we start living together. Honestly though, I may not be high maintenance person in terms of cash, BUT I AM IN TERMS OF EMOTIONAL AND FEELS. Maybe that's new to you. Can't always expect me to change all the time.
Love you.
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